Ashwin warned for spilling powder on pitch

Player alights from bus without headphones
Reports are coming in that a player recently alighted from his team's bus without his iPod headphones plugged into his ears (note: this website has made the decision not to publish the player's name, in order to protect him and his family from further ridicule and embarrassment). Rumours are aswirl that the player may not have even been wearing sunglasses as he emerged from the bus. The shocking incident, which has sent the cricketing world into a tizzy, is currently under investigation.

Taylor reveals struggle with split-captaincy disorder
An emotional Ross Taylor appeared on TV recently to bravely reveal his struggle with the crippling disease of split-captaincy disorder. "Living with this affliction is no joke," Taylor sniffled in front of a live studio audience. "And I hope that my talking about it here will give many others who suffer from it the courage to open up."

According to doctors, four out of five captains contract split-captaincy disorder at some point in their careers. Symptoms of the disease include imagining hearing decision-making voices other than your own on the field of play, a diminished sense of worth, and vindictively missing important series. There is no known cure for this disease other than taking plenty of bed rest and/or vacuously looking forward to the next IPL.

Cook writing own script
Alastair Cook may be modest about his already considerable achievements at such a young age, but make no mistake, he knows what he is doing. Indeed, Cook is, as they say, writing his own script. "I've got up to the part where I beat Tendulkar's records," said England's Test captain, "but I'm not sure what should come next. Do you think I should end up with 17,000 runs or should I keep it to 15? Should I leave some room for suspense? I don't want to come off as arrogant," he jabbered, licking the nub of his pencil and forging ahead with the manuscript. After his work is done, Cook plans to option the script to major studios.

Spidercam webs continue to disrupt matches
The menace of cricket balls getting ensnared in Spidercam webs was highlighted again recently. At least three potential sixes were disallowed during the one-off T20 between West Indies and Bangladesh in Dhaka as the ball repeatedly got stuck in the webs the Spidercam had spun around parts of the stadium. And if that wasn't frustrating enough, spectators then had to witness the Spidercam scurry over to the trapped ball and spin a cocoon of silk and television wire around it. "I've never seen that much work on a ball since when Shahid Afridi went on that leather diet," said a frustrated Tamim Iqbal.

Ashwin warned for spilling powder on the pitch
It has come to light that R Ashwin has been warned for repeatedly and surreptitiously spilling talcum powder on the pitch while bowling. "There's got to be a better way to get the carrom ball to be more effective," said Kumar Dharmasena.

Samuels loses cool
For a few cringe-worthy moments during his match-winning T20 innings against Bangladesh a few days ago, Marlon Samuels lost his customary expressionless cool and did something no one needed to see: he smiled. "At first I thought he was having a mild stroke or something," said Lendl Simmons, who partnered Samuels towards the end of his innings. "It took me a minute to realise that he was actually smiling. It was the most hideous thing I've ever seen."

Kohli insures his most precious asset
Heidi Klum and her legs, Keith Richards and his hands, Jennifer Lopez and her buttocks. Now you can add Virat Kohli to the elite list of celebrities who have had their most valuable body part insured. After mulling it over for a while, the star batsman finally decided to get his five o'clock shadow guaranteed. The immaculately maintained stubble, which mysteriously stays the same length at all times of the day, week, month and year, has been a Kohli fixture ever since he exploded onto the scene, and some people have gone so far as to say that he was born with it. "Of such details are the stuff legends are made of," said Kohli. Having purchased some peace of mind by insuring his prized stubble, the batsman said he could now concentrate on more important things, like looking good in ads for skin-whitening creams.

"Gayle force" headlines wasted
Scores of unused headlines featuring the phrases "Hurricane Gayle", "Gayle force" and other variants of the same trite theme have been burned, buried and disposed of in a variety of other illegal methods following Chris Gayle's failure to come good against Bangladesh. "I worked so hard on some of those headlines," sobbed an editor of a national newspaper. "My favourite was 'Hurricane Gayle hits Bangladesh.' See what I did there? I came up with that one myself. But now it's wasted," he pouted.