The Heavy Ball
Pakistan v England ODIs: in numbers
All the stats that don't matter, ahead of England's latest imminent whitewashing
Alan Tyers
14-Feb-2012
0
Number of overs that should be be bowled by Pakistan second seamer. Favourite score of England batsmen v spinners. See also: 11 - number of unplayable mystery spinners Pakistan can field in team at any one time, and 5 - number of fast bowlers England will be ideally looking to play at any one time.
Number of overs that should be be bowled by Pakistan second seamer. Favourite score of England batsmen v spinners. See also: 11 - number of unplayable mystery spinners Pakistan can field in team at any one time, and 5 - number of fast bowlers England will be ideally looking to play at any one time.
1
Number of runs awarded for hitting ball away from fielders and running to the other end of the pitch. A mysterious new scoring technique not yet taught to English middle order. Improbably, also number of games already won by England in this series. Experts predict it may increase by anything up to zero more games.
Number of runs awarded for hitting ball away from fielders and running to the other end of the pitch. A mysterious new scoring technique not yet taught to English middle order. Improbably, also number of games already won by England in this series. Experts predict it may increase by anything up to zero more games.
6
Number of runs scored for hitting the ball over the rope without a bounce. A mysterious new scoring technique not yet taught to England batsmen.
Full postNumber of runs scored for hitting the ball over the rope without a bounce. A mysterious new scoring technique not yet taught to England batsmen.
What England can learn from Pakistan
To start with, they can take lessons in parenting, screaming, and not quite being there
Alex Bowden
13-Feb-2012
England were taught a whole series of lessons by Pakistan in the recent Test series between the two sides. The good news is that if England are inclined to take advantage of their education, they'll realise they already have everything they need to become as good as Pakistan.
Get a coach with dad-like qualities
Mohsin Khan is very much a father figure to most of the Pakistan players. He provides advice, wisdom, guidance, and occasional stern words - all of which are delivered with love. The players respect him and the team has grown as a result.
Mohsin Khan is very much a father figure to most of the Pakistan players. He provides advice, wisdom, guidance, and occasional stern words - all of which are delivered with love. The players respect him and the team has grown as a result.
Andy Flower has many great qualities, but being only a few years older than some in his side, he's more of an older brother. Older brothers can do a lot, but they can't prevent their siblings from dicking about. England need a grown-up. They need someone stern and critical. They need someone who becomes enraged when they misbehave; someone who'll deliver a strong message of disapproval using a voice that sounds like a foghorn. They need Geoffrey Boycott.
Full postDevil to stop accepting souls sold at IPL auctions
Hell no longer has a place for those who play in the world's shiniest T20 league
R Rajkumar
07-Feb-2012
In breaking news straight out of Hell, the Devil has announced that he will no longer be accepting souls sold at IPL auctions. In a statement released along with a sulfurous plume of infernal fire and malodorous gases, the Prince of Darkness said that the decision hadn't been an easy one to make.
"Due to unforeseen circumstances, it has become untenable to accept these souls," the statement read. "Hell no longer has a place for them, and I have nothing to offer the owners of said souls in return. We do apologise for the inconvenience, and wish you luck in your future endeavours selling your souls elsewhere."
The news appears to have deeply shaken the cricketing fraternity, and the ramifications of the announcement are expected to be felt far and wide. Some athletes are reportedly contemplating legal options.
Full postThe balls Indians bowl
A cheat sheet for England on what India's bowlers will have in store for them
Sidin Vadukut
06-Feb-2012
Last week I was all set to write a hard-hitting column on the recently concluded Indian tour, titled "Pathetic Performances, Spineless Spirit and Resistance to Change: How Can Australia Recover From This?" The Aussies are in a shambles and there simply isn't thought and analysis going into how they can now bounce back from their indifferent performance at home. The fielders, in particular, have struggled all through the series to occupy the field for any stretch of time.
But then I was shocked to see how the English were being mauled by the Pakistanis in Dubai and Abu Dhabi. Against some excellent Pakistani bowling the English have looked like tottering amateur schoolchildren who lack skill, grace and the dignity to, for instance hypothetically speaking, let an all-time cricket great score a landmark score at Lord's or The Oval so he can retire in peace and let, for the love of god, Rohit Sharma replace him.
As usual the English media and cricketing establishment have reacted by parading out a laundry list of hackneyed excuses: lack of preparation, inadequate coaching staff, insufficient immigration, and, as always, "instant capitulation by the French".
Full postTalk like an England cricketer
Hours of fun with a new device that generates answers to press-conference questions. And they're just like a proper professional player's!
Alan Tyers
03-Feb-2012
Don't worry if you haven't got time to listen to the England cricket team fulfil their media obligations. Just pick one from each section of our automated interview response generator.
Introductory remark
To be fair
Obviously
Very much so
For me
Look
As I say
Being honest
In all fairness
I'd be lying if I said
We acknowledge
Of course
To be fair
Obviously
Very much so
For me
Look
As I say
Being honest
In all fairness
I'd be lying if I said
We acknowledge
Of course
Individual
Monty
Straussy
Cooky
Trotty
Poor old Ravi
Belly
Finny
Priory (wicketkeeper, not depression place)
KP
Morgs
Broady
Jimmy
Swanny
Andy Flower
Giles Clarke
Full postMonty
Straussy
Cooky
Trotty
Poor old Ravi
Belly
Finny
Priory (wicketkeeper, not depression place)
KP
Morgs
Broady
Jimmy
Swanny
Andy Flower
Giles Clarke
English cricket: the psychoanalyst's version
On the couch with a famous Austrian doctor
Imran Yusuf
02-Feb-2012
An extracted case study from a seminal work in the field, "Cricket and its discontents: a pyschoanalytic theory of bats and balls", by an anonymous Austrian doctor. (American title: "What that funny game the Brits play can teach us about self-help". Indian title: "There's lots about Sachin in this book". Australian title: "Mental Integration")
The patient, English Cricket, at first did not give much away. In his lexicon - an obvious defence mechanism - he called this "offering no loose shots".
I soon discovered a method to open him up: beer and Twitter. With this combination, he soon reclined on my sofa and began free-associating. Mein Gott, did he say some fascinating, revealing things. Not since Herschelle Gibbs' autobiography has the cricketing id been unleashed with such untrammelled force.
Full postSri Lanka Cricket does away with fans
Says pesky supporters have been hindering the progress of the team
Damith Samarakoon
30-Jan-2012
In its most dramatic move yet, Sri Lanka's sports ministry has sacked the entire Sri Lankan cricket public and announced that they will be replaced by cheaply built scarecrows. The decision, which many are struggling with, firstly to comprehend and secondly not to chuckle at, has been described by the ministry as long overdue, and part of the natural order of change that Sri Lankan cricket needs to undergo.
"Sri Lankan cricket is currently said to be at its lowest point. But you must ask yourself this. Who judges what the lowest or even the highest point is?" a spokesman said.
"I will tell you who. It is these people who call themselves 'fans'. Now, in my mind, a fan is just something that sits on my desk and propels cold, refreshing air during a hot Colombo day. But these fans are a cancer. Spreading through society like a rainy-season cold. Dictating what a good or bad performance is. So we thought to ourselves - if we remove this unnecessary aspect, then this will open up a whole new opportunity for Sri Lankan cricket to prosper. With no public reaction or interference, which I am sure has been quite frustrating and an annoyance for players, cricket can go on as it is."
Full postTeam India to be rebranded
Product's diminishing popularity prompts stakeholders to take drastic steps
R Rajkumar
27-Jan-2012
Team India® is to be rebranded, following its disastrous tour of Australia, according to reports coming in from the corporate headquarters of India Inc.
With customer satisfaction said to be at an all-time low and consumer watchdog organisations on alert, the poorly performing product is to receive an image overhaul. As a pre-emptive measure against accusations of fraud, and to more realistically match expectations, the team will henceforth be known as India Lite®.
The once-celebrated cricket team, which evolved into a brand over the last few years after enough money had been thrown at it, has of late struggled to live up to its billing. Studies show that people in India have been exercising their right as consumers to choose how best they want to disappoint themselves, with increasing numbers of people opting for Team India's biggest competitor in that regard: male skin-fairness creams.
Full postSunil Gavaskar 36 not out
Our commentary team sits through a World Cup classic, but they won't stand for it
Alex Bowden
24-Jan-2012
Stuart: Gavaskar props forward. No run. The required run rate is now stratospheric. We're just going through the motions here.
Ash: There's not a great deal of motion from Gavaskar's end.
Stuart: You're not happy, are you, Ash?
Full postDubai defeat disaster: the positives
It hasn't all been all terrible for England in the UAE so far, you know
Alan Tyers
23-Jan-2012
If the Andrew Strauss and Andrew Flower era has been characterised by one thing, it has been only ever dropping bowlers no matter how badly the team bat.
Sorry, hang on. If the Andrew Strauss and Andrew Flower era has been characterised by two things, it has been only ever dropping bowlers, no matter how badly the team bats; and chucking in one horror performance per series.
No, wait. If the Andrew Strauss and Andrew Flower era has been characterised by three things, it has been only ever dropping bowlers, no matter how badly the team bats; chucking in one horror performance per series; and taking the positives from a situation.
Full post