The Heavy Ball
An Ode to Kevin Pietersen, An Agent
Our in-house bard whips up a hymn to KP, now branched out and diversified
Alan Tyers
09-Mar-2012
News reporter Charlie Sale
- that's the man from the Mail -
has revealed that KP
now owns a sports agency
- that's the man from the Mail -
has revealed that KP
now owns a sports agency
It says in the paper
Kev's taken over this caper
to give him some loot
when he hangs up his boots
Kev's taken over this caper
to give him some loot
when he hangs up his boots
If he carries on batting
like he did in the Tests
that might be sooner
not later
Full postlike he did in the Tests
that might be sooner
not later
India return to zero's welcome
Details of arrival scanty since no one really cares
R Rajkumar
08-Mar-2012
Thousands of fans screaming the names of their favourite players and trying to get autographs and pictures at almost any cost (one of them lifting up his shirt to show Virat Kohli the likeness of him he had tattooed across his stomach) didn't show up to greet the Indian team at the airport as the players arrived from their tour of Australia.
Instead, the airport wore a deserted, almost unrecognisable look, as players stood around waiting for their bags to be brought to them before realising they were going to have to do it themselves. Media crews assembled outside the arrivals hall, cameras popping wildly and reporters at the ready, failed to do any of those things, as they weren't actually there either.
Neither was this reporter, having had something more important to do instead, like download the latest version of Angry Birds, if there is one. In fact, he had to rely on reports from players' families and friends for the purpose of this article.
Full postBCCI investigates un-Sri Lankan team
Victories and absence of long names raise red flags
Damith Samarakoon
04-Mar-2012
Following a string of unfathomable wins over Australia and Sri Lanka's immediate about turn after that game in Hobart, the BCCI has questioned the authenticity of the current Sri Lankan team. Although many pundits are calling this an outlandish PR move to take some heat off its own team, the BCCI maintains it has long suspected this team isn't quite what you expect from a typical Sri Lankan side.
"Our initial suspicions were raised when our analyst pointed out that Dinesh Chandimal had only three names. Just three names for a Sri Lankan cricketer? We were astonished. From then on we kept a close eye on him," said a BCCI official who wished to remain unnamed.
"A typical Sri Lankan youngster comes in the form of a Kapugedera or Mubarak. As soon as they hit the international area they turn to jelly. But this Chandimal has been scoring runs everywhere like a consummate pro. It doesn't add up. Young Sri Lankan cricketers aren't meant to score runs in difficult conditions or guide the team home. Clearly questions need to be asked."
Full postDon't label Samit
Bits-and-pieces player? Sorry, you're wrong
Alex Bowden
02-Mar-2012
It was put to me this week that Samit Patel is a bits-and-pieces cricketer. I bridled at this assertion without quite knowing why.
Now, I'll be honest, early exposure to the sight of Ian Austin barrelling in to bowl has left me with a deep-seated appreciation of well-fed cricketers, but I don't consider Samit to be one of my absolute favourites. I'm pretty sure my reaction to this pejorative labelling was based on logical but unconscious reasoning rather than being a purely emotional response. After all, the newly svelte Samit is a fading star in the fat-cricketer firmament these days.
So what was it then? Why was I so instantly convinced that Samit Patel is not a bits-and-pieces cricketer? Well, I guess the obvious thing to do is to first try and define what constitutes a bits-and-pieces cricketer.
Full postIndian seniors try to sort out their feelings
The following are the minutes of a meeting held to address allegations of a rift in the Indian team
R Rajkumar
01-Mar-2012
A meeting was apparently held yesterday to address allegations of a rift in the Indian team, recent success against Sri Lanka notwithstanding. The following are the minutes of that meeting, presented to ESPNcricinfo by regular Page 2 contributor at large Julian Assange.
TEAM INDIA Meeting [Date: 25/02/12]
Meeting was called to order at 7:00pm at the Sydney Airport Budget Holiday Inn, in Conference Room C, adjacent to the Poore-Sapp wedding reception in Conference Room B. Quorum was established, whatever that is.
Full postZaheer Khan. India. Chicken Tikka Masala
A revolutionary idea to make certain aspects of cricket broadcasting more entertaining
Sidin Vadukut
27-Feb-2012
You know how some people get original ideas for books, novels and plays while doing the most mundane things at home, like shaving a potted plant? A similar thing happened to me the other day while I was meticulously programming the treadmill at my local gym prior to launching into a rigorous running routine.
While keying in the settings - desired speed (9.5kph), track incline (1.0%), age (youthful 32) and weight - I casually looked up at one of the TV screens on which the management usually beams out programming of a motivating nature for gym users: professional wrestling, extreme mountaineering, Rihanna precipitously vibrating as if due to a medical condition associated with defective motor neurons in her derrière, and advertisements by a local kebab and pizza purveyor.
But on that day, one of the TVs was tuned to a cricket match between India and Sri Lanka. Or maybe it was India and Australia. I just remember the other team was one that Ricky Ponting is no longer a part of.
Full postThe 20,000th T20 match report
From our predictive future news reporter, Mystic Glenda McGrath
Alan Tyers
24-Feb-2012
Stardate 24 February 2212
The 20,0000th Twenty20 international was played today between Domino's Pizza (Kolkata) West Indian Mercenaries and the People's Republic of Sachin Tendulkar.
The 20,0000th Twenty20 international was played today between Domino's Pizza (Kolkata) West Indian Mercenaries and the People's Republic of Sachin Tendulkar.
The recalled Rahul Dravid accumulated in his customary fashion, but was comprehensively outscored by his partner, the Rainabot T20. The genetically engineered batting unit is possessed of incredibly powerful metallic arms and has an enlarged chest area to allow for the maximum number of sponsorship logos. It is powered by inserting shiny objects into its face.
The Rainabot is seen by its manufacturers, the sinister (although not secretive) Shastricorp, as being the future of Twenty20 cricket. Capable of shooting tracer bullets from the space between its ears previously occupied by the brain, the Rainabot quickly raced to 66 off its first 11 deliveries but suffered a short circuit when faced with a bouncer. Smoke began to pour from the Rainabot as it bleeped and gibbered unhappily. It was ordered off the field of play by the umpire, the cryogenically frozen head of umpire Richard Kettleborough.
Full postGuptill calls for player-specific rules
New Zealand opener bored at how easy it all is
Andrew Fernando
22-Feb-2012
Martin Guptill says cricket is too much of a cakewalk for him now, and has warned that unless the ICC makes the game harder, he will be forced to take drastic action to prevent boredom.
Guptill has made 499 in his last seven international innings, with six half-centuries, at an average of 99. He was also the top scorer in the HRV Cup.
In a series of angry tweets following his 78 not out against South Africa in the first Twenty20, Guptill bemoaned the ease with which he guided his team to a comfortable win, and called for "anti-me" laws, which would make the game more challenging for him.
Full postAjmal's bowling exceeds tolerance limit
Of England's abilities and patience. And subcontinental pitches become Cullen-esque
R Rajkumar
19-Feb-2012
After a series of exhaustive studies by a panel of experts, it has been decreed that Saeed Ajmal's bowling arm did, in fact, exceed the tolerance limit of England's abilities.
Ajmal's action had come under a cloud of suspicion following the Test matches, with some England players and Ajmal himself hinting that his bowling arm exceeded the legally allowed limit to challenge England in Tests.
"There can be no doubts about it now," said David Lloyd, who was pulled out of commentating to head the hastily convened panel, which featured other former-players-turned-commentators and current-commentators-turned-further-bores.
Full postFan gives up watching T20 to concentrate on county cricket
Australian cricket watcher says he hopes to correct technical deficiencies with move
Andrew Fernando
17-Feb-2012
A New South Wales cricket watcher has chosen to forego the lucrative IPL in order to focus on watching cricket at the highest level. Twenty-two-year-old Brian Nichols says his Test match-watching form has suffered significantly as a result of his involvement in viewing the Big Bash and New Zealand's HRV Cup, and he hopes to rectify several technical deficiencies with a county stint watching Northamptonshire first-class matches.
"I think as a cricket watcher you always dream of watching well at Test level, especially here in Australia, and my inability to knuckle down and sit out the tough spells has really been disappointing," Nichols said. "I've struggled with leaving the remote early on and have poked at it in the channel button repeatedly. Once, I missed an entire session watching a Kardashian marathon."
Nichols said he first noticed a problem with his Test watching during the Border-Gavaskar Trophy, when he was disappointed Ed Cowan's first scoring shot on day one at the MCG wasn't a switch-hit over long-off. But he says he didn't fully realise the extent of damage Twenty20 had done to his Test-watching form until day five of the fourth Test in Adelaide.
Full post