A guide to Manchester, for David Warner

All right, David lad!

We here at the Manchester Tourism Committee are right excited you might be coming for a game of cricket at Old Trafford. We'd like to welcome you to our great city and hope the following suggestions will help you make the best of your stay.

We don't go in much for Jägerbombs in Manchester, but don't miss out on a pint of JW Lees Bitter. Some say it's a bit of an acquired taste, but we know you'll give it a right good crack.

We know you like a night out, and we've got a ton of night spots where a punch-up is not only tolerated but welcome. While we're all for giving people from Yorkshire a slap every now and again, be aware that not everyone in the city is as small or as pleasant as Joe Root.

In fact, it might be better if you didn't try to start any fights at all. Even the women here are tough.

If you've seen the Old Trafford ground on telly before or what have you, you might think that everything is confusingly turned through 90 degrees. Don't worry, that's not the drink: we moved the wicket.

Our most famous TV programme is Coronation Street, which is a soap opera about some very ordinary people who lurch from one sad disaster to the next. You and your team-mates can probably sympathise, so to speak.

Manchester has been the home to one of the UK's great newspaper institutions: The Guardian, formerly known as the Manchester Guardian. Do feel free to send some abusive messages to any of the journalists should you so wish. We don't call people a "goose" in Manchester, though, although we do say "chuck".

We in Manchester are proud of our great bands. You might like Oasis. There was one brother who was gobby but right talented, and then another brother who was just gobby. Don't think Twitter had been invented when they were getting big though.

Another one of our great groups was the Smiths, who were dead miserable and intellectual. Ask your clever mate Ed Cowan about them.

On the subject of nightlife, your moustache, cropped hair and muscle-top combo will fit in perfectly in the Canal Street region of the city, which is famous for its exuberant party scene.

Talking of parties, you'd have liked the summer of love here back in the 1980s: everyone wearing sun hats, shorts, brightly coloured t-shirts, calling each other mate and talking rubbish. It was just like Australia.

Don't get tiddly and start a fight with a tram! Ta-ra for now.