Alex Bowden blogs at King Cricket. All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?
Andrew Strauss and his butler, Carruthers, are standing in the drawing room.
Strauss: It feels fantastic, doesn't it, Carruthers? I'm seeing the world in a whole new way.
Carruthers: What feels fantastic, sir?
Strauss: Being No. 1, of course. Don't you feel it? It's like every little thing in life is suddenly coloured with joy.
Carruthers: I wouldn't know about that, sir. I'm just a humble butler, who despite an unchanging facial expression somehow expresses condescending amusement at his employer at all times.
Strauss: Even this water tastes better. It tastes sweeter somehow.
Carruthers: It's flavoured water. You never normally drink flavoured water, sir.
Strauss: It tastes like success.
Carruthers: If success tastes like elderflower and lemon, I'm sure you're right.
Strauss: This country is a wonderful place to be right now. How's your family, Carruthers? I never ask about your family.
Carruthers: Truth be told, we're struggling, sir. My salary is less than spectacular and Algernon and Bethany are being forced to make do with last year's croquet mallets.
Strauss: Ah, Algernon and Bethany. They're your dogs, right?
Carruthers: If you wish, sir.
Strauss: If only they understood the magnitude of our achievement in climbing to the top of the Test rankings, but I guess that's the curse of being a dog, isn't it? You can never appreciate the finer things in life.
Carruthers: I'll give them your good wishes when I tuck them into bed tonight.
Strauss: Carruthers, what's this I'm drinking again?
Carruthers: Elderflower- and lemon-flavoured water, sir.
Strauss: I feel that perhaps it is too sweet. Could you water it down a touch for me?
Carruthers: I could add some salt? The salt of 50-over underachievement, perhaps?
Strauss: I'm sorry, I didn't quite catch that?
Carruthers: Nothing, sir. I didn't say a word. I was far too preoccupied with the dilution task with which you had entrusted me.
Meanwhile, in Castleford, Tim Bresnan bounds into Townville Miners Welfare Club.
Bresnan: It's me! Is anyone going to get me a drink?
Des: Get out of it. Who do you think you are?
Bresnan: Well, I'm one part of the best Test team in the world.
Des: You're nowt but an ingrate, I tell thee. Comin' in 'ere and givin' it all that. Where were you?
Des: On Saturday. It were Stan's birthday.
Stan: Aye, it were me birthday. Where were thee?
Des: His 60th, no less. Come on. Out with it. Where were thee?
Bresnan: Well, I was in Birmingham. We'd just beaten India to go top of the Test rankings.
Des: Ee, Stan, you 'eard this? Birmingham!
Des: La-di-da, look at me, I think I'm so much better than everyone else. I'm going to go and live the high life in Birmingham, like I'm the king of fashion or summat.
Stan: Who does he think he is?
Des: On Stan's birthday, no less. Ingrate.
Des: Aye, well sorry doesn't cut it, sonny.
Bresnan: How about a pint?
Des: Aye, go on then. Mine's a mild. Stan'll have a mixed.