Pakistan bans the lbw

The Pakistan Cricket Board has broken new ground once again, announcing that they have slapped a life ban on the lbw rule. Under the ban, the lbw rule will simply cease to exist when Pakistan are batting, greatly reducing the chances that their batsmen will be dismissed cheaply, ensuring higher scores, more victories, and fewer parliamentary inquiries.

"We have realised that, over the years, the lbw rule has caused great harm to Pakistan cricket. In the seventies and eighties, it caused much embarrassment to our umpires. More recently, it has caused the downfall of batsmen such as Mohammad Yousuf and Younis Khan, since they tend to fall over on the front foot early on in their innings. In fact, this dastardly and idiotic rule has been silently damaging the game of cricket for several years, far more than mere trivialities like ball-tampering, match-fixing and Shoaib Malik," said PCB chairman Ijaz Butt. "So we have no hesitation in implementing a complete and total life ban on the lbw rule with immediate effect. The rule will be banished from all domestic and international cricket involving Pakistan, and will not be allowed to undertake any related activities, such as coaching or commentary," he said angrily.

The ban has been welcomed by several former Pakistani batting stars, except Inzamam-ul-Haq, who would have preferred a ban on the run-out rule. Former great Javed Miandad went so far as to say, "In my playing days, lbw was always banned in Pakistan, only not officially. It was there only in foreign countries. Like Coca-Cola and Falcons Crest."

However, Mr Butt also admitted that the PCB could temporarily reverse the ban whenever Pakistan is bowling in an international match. "You have to understand that in Pakistan a life ban lasts only as long as the life of the ban," he winked.

The new lbw ban will come as a great inconvenience to umpires officiating in matches involving Pakistan (except Asoka De Silva, who shows no evidence of being aware of the rule's existence).

"As the world's most forward-thinking and decisive cricket board, we always force ourselves to think outside the box. This is why we've realised that there's no real need to limit ourselves to merely banning cricketers. We can also ban rules, concepts, particular deliveries and shots, specific events on and off the cricket field - there's a whole new world of things we can blame for Pakistan's problems, and ban merrily. Ain't it grand?" said Mr Butt, his eyes misting over.

However, he denied everything a few minutes later, so we're not really sure if the ban is still applicable or not. "I never realised I have so much in common with the lbw rule," said former skipper Younis Khan.

Taking the lead from the PCB, other cricket boards are also planning to impose bans on things that have caused harm to the game in their respective countries. The WICB is considering banning Shivnarine Chanderpaul's godawful stance, New Zealand Cricket is toying with the idea of banning anything that isn't Daniel Vettori, and the BCCI is planning to ban the BCCI.

Meanwhile, Suresh Raina's deliciously ironic comment that "young cricketers need to realise that they can't win international matches by just showing up" has led to an outbreak of irony in Indian cricketing circles. According to early reports, Lalit Modi has warned that "administrators cannot hope to get away with doing murky business deals while grandstanding like prima donnas", Yuvraj Singh has said that "fitness is everything", and Ravi Shastri has lamented the "deplorable trend of former cricketers making fools of themselves in the commentary box".