Stumpy v Batty, and the PM's intervention

When the ICC revealed the elephant "Stumpy" as the mascot for the 2011 Cricket World Cup, the public reacted with what can only be described as "the opposite of unbridled excitement". However, the ICC has been quick to defend its choice, insisting that Stumpy is the ideal mascot for the occasion.

Speaking to the press, CWC director Ratnakar Shetty said, "The elephant has been chosen since it is an iconic animal that truly represents cricket in the subcontinent. It's a lumbering, inflexible and inconveniently powerful beast, just like the BCCI. It doesn't bite and shows absolutely no signs of bouncing, just like the SSC wicket. It does not even remotely resemble the Bengal Tiger, just like the Bangladesh cricket team. It's a perfect symbol for a tournament hosted by these three great cricketing nations."

Shetty also defended the widely panned choice of name. "The name Stumpy was chosen after lengthy deliberations by a panel of creative experts, including professionals from the advertising and marketing fields, and, for some reason, Ravi Shastri, who seems to be on every single panel and committee constituted by the BCCI. We carefully considered and rejected many outstanding alternatives - including "Pitchy" (mildly obscene), "Batty" (insanity connotation), "Bally" (hoo), "Paddy" (too Irish) and "Abdomen Guardy" (rhymes with Michael Yardy)."

"Stumpy is just perfect. Other than the fact that it conjures up some vaguely disturbing imagery of ICC officials without hands or feet, there's absolutely nothing wrong with it. Besides, with all the other options ruled out, it was the only cheesy, obvious cricket reference left," concluded Shetty.

The appointment of Anil Kumble by the BCCI as an "off-field behaviour" coach for the Indian team has been closely followed by another, even more ridiculous, initiative by the Indian board - they're looking for a coach to train millions of cricket fans around the world in proper in-stadium behaviour. Apparently the BCCI believes that teaching huge numbers of fans not to irk their players is far easier than teaching players like Yuvraj Singh not to act like immature, overgrown schoolboys and take offence at random jibes from the stands.

"It's clear that spectators all over the world are in dire need of instruction on how to behave towards the Indian team. Can't have ill-mannered fans calling our dear players all sorts of nasty things like 'water boy', 'tax collector' and 'history professor'. Further, these louts in the stands keep making rude and boorish comments about our inept fast bowling, pathetic fitness levels and tendency to collapse so that Virender Sehwag's percentage contribution to the team total remains in the high fifties. Not done. They need to be taught a lesson," thundered Ravi Shastri, chairman of the BCCI's newly constituted fan management committee.

Denying that the authorities had overreacted in arresting the fans who called Yuvraj Singh a "water boy", Shastri retorted: "Nobody, with the possible exception of lookalike Michael Bevan, likes being associated with Adam Sandler. How do you think Kumar Sangakkara would react if I suddenly walked up to him and called him 'Happy Gilmore'? In fact, they're lucky that they only called Yuvi a water boy. If they'd called him 'The Last Airbender' or 'Raavan', it would have meant the death penalty."

Commenting on who will perform the role of "in-stadium" behaviour coach, Shastri said, "It's got to be a really nice guy, well respected, and with a lot of time on his hands. Perhaps the prime minister, Dr Manmohan Singh?"