A fable of West Indian cricket
In which WIPA and WICB kiss and make up and live to fight another day
Andrew Hughes
24-Sep-2014
"We're happy to say we can now reveal who left all the toilet seats up during the last conference" • WICB Media
A press conference in Bridgetown, Wonderland. At a table sit two rotund gentlemen, one wearing a badge with the letters WICB on it, the other wearing a badge with the letters WIPA on it. They have their arms around each other and are beaming broadly.
Tweedledum: I shall stand up to speak.
Tweedledee: I shall listen with great attention to what you have to say.
Tweedledum: Or perhaps you would like to have the honour of speaking first?
Tweedledee: Contrariwise, it would be an honour to let you have the honour.
Tweedledum: We shall speak together.
Tweedledee: An excellent notion. I am glad that you thought of it.
Tweedledum: I am glad that you are glad that I thought of it.
Tweedledee: I shall listen with great attention to what you have to say.
Tweedledum: Or perhaps you would like to have the honour of speaking first?
Tweedledee: Contrariwise, it would be an honour to let you have the honour.
Tweedledum: We shall speak together.
Tweedledee: An excellent notion. I am glad that you thought of it.
Tweedledum: I am glad that you are glad that I thought of it.
They rise to speak.
Tweedledum: We are happy to announce.
Tweedledee: Very happy indeed.
Tweedledum: That henceforth and heretofore.
Tweedledee: And ad infinitum.
Tweedledum: Not to mention ad nauseum.
Tweedledee: Ad nauseum is not the least of it.
Tweedledum: We declare that the battle.
Tweedledee: The conflict.
Tweedledum: The great war.
Tweedledee: Is over.
Tweedledum: We have agreed that the rattle belonging to my friend.
Tweedledee: Your very good friend.
Tweedledum: Correct, to my very good friend, was not damaged after all and that even if it had been damaged, which it was not, I was not the one to blame, being entirely blameless.
Tweedledee: Contrariwise. We have agreed no such thing.
Tweedledum: Contrariwise. We have indeed agreed it. We signed a memorandum of understanding and we shook hands upon it.
Tweedledee: Contrariwise. Let us look at this agreement.
Tweedledum: Memorandum of understanding.
Tweedledee: Whatever. You will see that here it states that we hereby and heretofore and ad infinitum and
Tweedledum: Get on with it.
Tweedledee: Quite so. It states that we agree to an equitable distribution of income and to move forward with a professional structure for the long term benefit of West Indies cricket. It says nothing about rattles.
Tweedledum: I was certain that it did.
Tweedledee: Contrariwise, I was certain that it did not.
Tweedledum: This is a conundrum.
Tweedledee: A poser.
Tweedledum: A cryptic puzzle.
Tweedledee: A crossword clue. It reads thus: person known to have had a hand in spoiling the rattle belonging to the West Indies Cricket Board. Starts with a T.
Tweedledum: Then the answer is Tweedledee.
Tweedledee: Contrariwise, it is Tweedledum.
Tweedledum: Slander!
Tweedledee: Libel!
Tweedledum: Then there is no choice and we must agree a battle.
Tweedledee: Contrariwise, there is a choice and that is why we must agree a battle.
Tweedledum: En garde!
Tweedledee: Take that!
Tweedledee: Very happy indeed.
Tweedledum: That henceforth and heretofore.
Tweedledee: And ad infinitum.
Tweedledum: Not to mention ad nauseum.
Tweedledee: Ad nauseum is not the least of it.
Tweedledum: We declare that the battle.
Tweedledee: The conflict.
Tweedledum: The great war.
Tweedledee: Is over.
Tweedledum: We have agreed that the rattle belonging to my friend.
Tweedledee: Your very good friend.
Tweedledum: Correct, to my very good friend, was not damaged after all and that even if it had been damaged, which it was not, I was not the one to blame, being entirely blameless.
Tweedledee: Contrariwise. We have agreed no such thing.
Tweedledum: Contrariwise. We have indeed agreed it. We signed a memorandum of understanding and we shook hands upon it.
Tweedledee: Contrariwise. Let us look at this agreement.
Tweedledum: Memorandum of understanding.
Tweedledee: Whatever. You will see that here it states that we hereby and heretofore and ad infinitum and
Tweedledum: Get on with it.
Tweedledee: Quite so. It states that we agree to an equitable distribution of income and to move forward with a professional structure for the long term benefit of West Indies cricket. It says nothing about rattles.
Tweedledum: I was certain that it did.
Tweedledee: Contrariwise, I was certain that it did not.
Tweedledum: This is a conundrum.
Tweedledee: A poser.
Tweedledum: A cryptic puzzle.
Tweedledee: A crossword clue. It reads thus: person known to have had a hand in spoiling the rattle belonging to the West Indies Cricket Board. Starts with a T.
Tweedledum: Then the answer is Tweedledee.
Tweedledee: Contrariwise, it is Tweedledum.
Tweedledum: Slander!
Tweedledee: Libel!
Tweedledum: Then there is no choice and we must agree a battle.
Tweedledee: Contrariwise, there is a choice and that is why we must agree a battle.
Tweedledum: En garde!
Tweedledee: Take that!
Tweedledum and Tweedledee begin to hit each other over the head with their copies of the memorandum of understanding. The press conference breaks up in chaos, followed shortly afterwards by West Indies cricket.
Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England. He tweets here