Another letter to Mr. Hilditch

From Nick Wennerbom, Australia
Dear Mr. Hilditch, I'm sorry I missed your call last Thursday. I know I needn't, but I still feel compelled to explain. I had a supposedly good tip for the horses that day and got to the pub early to take the fixed odds, but they don't like your mobile ringing when the races are on so I turned it off. Anyway by the time I spent next month's mortgage at the dogs that night I was too drunk to remember how to turn it back on. But please don't get the wrong impression.

As I outlined in my previous letter to you I don't drink on match days and besides, I have a lot of Red Bull with my alcohol which gives me heaps of energy for cricket the next day. Having said that, it was good to see Mr. Hauritz go well in Adelaide, wasn't it? I would imagine you must be thinking that now is as good a time as any to break his heart again. It is with this in mind that I am hoping you will be able to give me some indication as to which Tests I will play and the ones where I am likely to be dropped.

I realise this is a difficult question to answer, but I figure that Mum and Dad will want to come and watch and they need to book flights etc. My understanding is that if I perform well in Perth and Melbourne then I will probably be dropped for Sydney. Whereas if I completely stuff up my first two Tests, I should still be a shoo-in for the third. The obvious temptation here is to try and bowl poorly in Perth thus guaranteeing me a Boxing Day Test, but if I am unfortunate enough to actually grab a couple of lucky wickets then I realise this would place my position in some jeopardy.

I'm sure you appreciate the conundrum I find myself in so confirmation of your selection policy would make things easier for me to organise this end. As I am led to believe this selection policy is likely to scar me emotionally, would it also be possible for you to recommend a good psychiatrist in advance? I have been advised that I am likely to suffer some deep-seated personal issues about the way I am to be treated in the coming months and I need to know if my health insurance will cover this. My mate tells that me you are a solicitor and therefore apparently an intelligent man and he thinks that you would have sneaked a clause into our contracts preventing us from taking legal action for chronic depression in years to come. So if I am to play with you guys I would first have to secure my mental well-being for the future.

This mate's friend's second cousin knows this guy who has a brother who has been through it all before, I think his name was Kim Yallop or something like that. Fortunately I'm told, he appears to be recovering quite well now. Should I be forced to carry the drinks for a game and am only needed in a support role, I too can offer my services to players that need counselling and as always, this is a skill I'm prepared to share with the rest of the team. Over the years I have counselled many of my mates when they have had relationship issues and I have consoled some of their wives and girlfriends too. But I can assure you that I wouldn't engage in any improper conduct with any player's partners unless it was consensual. Incidentally like your good self, this mate of mine is an opening batsman who is thinking of applying for Mr. Hayden's position, I told him to stop dreaming. He gets caught at fine leg on the hook way too often for an opener, but he seems to think that as long as you are the Chairman of Selectors that this wouldn't matter as that was your signature shot during your Test career. Anyway, he might apply in the New Year if his wife lets him. She gave him the ultimatum last week of cricket or fishing which caused a fair bit of angst as you could imagine but fortunately I was there to console her.

Mr. Hilditch as you never left a message last week, I can only assume that you called and couldn't get through. So I trust I am not being too presumptuous in giving you a gentle reminder about my availability over the Christmas holidays and as ever I look forward to catching up soon. Kind Regards Nick.