Test cricket says she's fine

Test cricket has spoken out for the first time in 100 years and proclaimed that she is doing just fine and she wishes for everybody to please stop bugging her about the state that she is in.

"Really, I am fine. I have been fine for over 100 years, despite everybody prodding at me, and being rubbed up the wrong way by the hands of some shady, unsavoury characters. I'm old and hardened, like an old wicketkeeping glove or the stubborn brain of Ijaz Butt."

Recent claims by fans and players alike have caused concern in many circles, and some are heralding the end of the greatest game ever known to man.

"Look, I can even be like those cheerleaders from the IPL. They've got nothing on me," said Test cricket while standing on one hand behind the stumps on the pitch at Lord's and taking a catch.

"Bet Kamran Akmal can't do that," she added.

"I could do with some more people coming to watch me live in some countries, but I understand that not everyone is the Queen of England and some people have to work."

Fans across the world are, however, not convinced, and a revolution is starting to bubble that will soon come to the boil. In fact, a foundation has been started to get people to go watch less-heralded series, in an attempt to prove that there is an interest in Test cricket.

"We've started a fund for people to go watch the next Zimbabwe v Bangladesh series," said fund founder Ms Wright-Madde. "We know that people will probably be asleep on the grass banks for the entire Test, but it doesn't matter. If we can get just 15 people to sleep on the grass for five days, it will still be more than those who were at the Wanderers for the final day of the South Africa v Australia Test match, thus proving that there is a significant interest in Test cricket."

Ms Wright-Madde, a British national, added that while it would have been ideal to pay for fans to go watch real "icon series" Test matches instead, it's simply not financially viable.

"It's vital for us to campaign to save things the rest of the world doesn't really give a crap about," she added. "This ensures we stamp our authority and prove that we are still better than them. After this, we're also going to start a campaign to preserve the art of queuing. No more highways! That'll show them," she concluded.

Test cricket said she was shocked to hear these claims and even more stunned to hear that England wicketkeeper Matt Prior believed that Test cricket was endangered.

"Well, what would he know? It's not like T20 or ODI ever had eyes for him. Of course he'll say all that stuff. If I am sick, who is going to pay his salary?"

Test cricket said that if there was anybody who needed saving, it'd have to be her brother, ODI cricket. "Look, I'm cool. Our baby sister, T20 cricket, is also cool, but ODI cricket has kind of become the ugly, ginger, middle stepchild. If you want to worry about anything, worry about him."

Her claims were backed up by esteemed and former No. 1 ODI bowler Graeme Swann. "Swann agrees with me, but probably only because he is no longer much good at ODIs. It seems the English are only ever upset about stuff they're poor at. Do you remember how much they moaned about the Jabulani ball during the soccer World Cup last year?" asked Test cricket while eating a scone with cream and ordering in from her local fish and chip shop.

"Apparently Swann also wants to get rid of coffee across the world so that we can all carry forth the English tradition of drinking tea. I don't want to spread rumours, but I've heard he's about as good at making coffee as he is at rescuing his cat while he's drunk.

"Cricket is very English, you know, despite what the nationalities of our team will tell you. In fact, we hope that one day the whole world can unite around Test cricket, just like our national team. But they probably won't, because five days is a heck of a long time to pretend you're interested in people standing around in white flannels."