Around the mulberry bush

Goody. Just when we all thought it was going to be a teeth-rattlingly dull start to the year, along comes old Percy Sonn and puts his foot in it with his whole racial quota thingummy. Never a dull moment, every day a new furore, Allah be praised. It's just not cricket, of course. But then, nothing is cricket anymore, least of all cricket, so that's okay. Four thousand some miles away, Jagmohan Dalmiya smiles a smile full of paternal pride as he plots his next storm in a teacup which - pardon the mixed metaphor - will have become a full-fledged mountain, crafted with skill and care out of a molehill, by the time this sees the light of day.

In auld England meanwhile, the game is afoot. Beneath the slumbering darkness a familiar shape stirs. Can it be...? Yes, shock, horror, it is Mike Denness, gradually inching his way back into polite society.

Well, not really. The image of Denness skulking back to civilisation, penitent, with head bowed, may be tempting but it's no secret that Mr D is a very long way from being a villain in some parts of the world. Just the other day, the Daily Telegraph reported how the said worthy was "lifted by the standing ovation he received from 1200 people from many sports at the Lord Taverner's Christmas luncheon" at the Hilton. Apparently, in a splendid reversal of roles, Denness is now officially the victim in the fiasco that even now is burgeoning into a whole inglorious new chapter. "Sharjah call lifts Denness," the Telegraph headline said, referring to Denness's first call-up for Test duty since Bloemfontein. Further, we are informed that he is now "prepared to put his head above the parapet". Warms the cockles of your heart so much, you just have to retch.

And the question must be asked: whatever happened to Steve Waugh at Melbourne when it came time to walk the walk? It was deeply saddening to see such a fine specimen of uprightness struck senseless by incomprehension on an occasion that demanded some close communion between the proverbial money and the mouth. Doubly baffling, it came from a man who knows all about the importance of discipline and gentlemanliness on the cricket field and has, in the recent past, shown himself willing to expound on the dangers of letting people who are less well-informed than him about the value of sportsmanship get away with murder.

Or maybe it was the old deep-vein thrombosis flaring up again. Spoilsports will, of course, be inclined to point out that Waugh could not have seen Darrell Hair raise the finger, seeing as how he was prostrate on the ground at the time (Waugh, not Hair). But such trifles as fact should not be allowed to stand in the way of the pursuit of schadenfreude. Like V S Naipaul would have advised if Stephen had only bothered to drop in on him instead of that bloody Edward De Bono: take it on the chin and move on, kid.

Speaking of which: three defeats in a week in the VB series for Captain Invincible and his merry band of pirates. Conclusive proof that there is a God above. Also, more schadenfreude than you can shake a stick at. Like the old man beside me in the train said after hearing of the defeat against New Zealand, "That'll fix them buggers". Except, he said it in Bhojpuri and he didn't put it as politely as all that, but this is a family sort of publication, more's the pity.

Next month: The Return of Hansie. Produced by none other than Percy Whatsisname. Small world, no?