Don't gloat about Australia's supposed decline

I am cast down for several reasons. The first is that it was, well, South Africa they lost to. With Australia v South Africa, who the hell are you supposed to cheer for? “Come on, Satan!” Or do you say: “No, no, sock it to 'em, Beelzebub?”

Let us simply note the result and nod. Let us refrain from sending off gloating texts and e-mails to the southern hemisphere. Let us remember that every talent Australia possess will be doubled when they are in England. So hear this, Australia: we are not gloating, all right? Just noting.

Where had the Australian top order been hiding? Matthew Hayden is now officially over the hill, his return since October reminding me of an economy slipping into recession. Mike Hussey had two failures, Ponting one and a half. Clarke and Katich, neither of them batsmen in the run-accumulating mould of Waugh or Langer, are now the only reliable source of runs. Symonds is patchy, and will always be so. Watson survives in the squad because of his bowling. The highest scorer for Australia at the WACA was Brad Haddin. If that doesn’t send shivers up the selectors spines Ponting’s captaincy should. He was surly, his body language defensive. He did away with slips. He set defensive fields. He opened up after lunch with Krejza and Siddle. He didn’t look at Symonds or Katich, relying on the nude spin of Clarke for variation. There was no paint-striping team talk, little clapping.

Boon once vomited on the outfield at Adelaide before a TV audience of millions (not necessarily, we stress, because of alcohol), and then went on to make a century and be man of the match. A class act. One other thing in his favour was his lack of athleticism, meaning that he often fielded close in to the wicket in the danger areas given usually to young pups. Yet occasionally he could produce stunning chase-and-throws from the deep. They used to have a saying in England: never risk a fourth run to David Boon.