England losing the plot

Dear Everton

As my maths master used to say when he took a bemused peek at my homework: "What do we have here?" It appears to be an angry text from Antigua, with you threatening serious harm to the authorities who caused the shambolic start to the second Test. And this following your rum-induced email babbling on about the West Indies "revival" at Sabina Park.

I must say, Everton, it was an amazing turnaround in Jamaica. Your beloved team, which couldn't defeat lowly New Zealand - and before that lost comprehensively to Australia - suddenly thrashes England.

Wouldn't it be ironic if your predicted revival is prompted by the selection of a balanced attack? I like the look of Sulieman Benn; he's continued to improve after bowling well against Australia. If some England batsmen insist on favouring the ridiculous "forward press" espoused by former coach Duncan Fletcher in lieu of good footwork, then Benn will continue to have a big influence on the series.

And Chris Gayle is a rare species - a West Indies captain who isn't blinkered to the opportunities good spin bowling provide.

Despite having sacked Peter Moores, England still thinks coaches, not players, win matches. Hugh Morris, the ECB managing director, produced this little gem while referring to a possible successor to Moores: "John Buchanan of Australia has won 75% of matches at all levels; far more than anyone in the history of the game."

I'd be interested in the response if poor, disillusioned Morris asked new captain Andrew Strauss about the possibility of Buchanan coaching England. As you quite rightly point out, Everton, Strauss was playing for Middlesex in 1998, when the club dumped Buchanan as coach, before his contract was fulfilled. Anyway, Buchanan has saved the ECB from themselves; he's politely scotched the rumour.

Not that recent history doesn't suggest there's another one looming. No, Everton, not a period of dominance for West Indies but another ill-advised ECB manoeuvre. It was not so long ago that England under Kevin Pietersen put up a bold showing in India, while Australia was in disarray against South Africa. At that point you wanted to bet a bottle of my favourite Shiraz to Bob Marley's The Legend Live DVD that England would win the upcoming Ashes series. However, true to their form in colonial times, when Australia was allowed to field 22 players, England has since done everything in their power to even up the contest.

They sacked Pietersen as captain, along with the coach, and Strauss has been left with the unenviable task of rebuilding team harmony in a poisoned environment. Then, like true colonial brothers, West Indies and India rallied behind Australia's cause. West Indies thrashed England, and India awarded Pietersen and Andrew Flintoff the most lucrative-ever IPL contracts. If that doesn't make Strauss's job of uniting the dressing room more difficult, then Marley didn't write "I Shot the Sherriff."

Settle down, Everton, I wasn't trying to orchestrate another spirited discussion on the respective merits of Marley and Eric Clapton. Anyway, you know I'm a Marley fan. His "Buffalo Soldier" lyrics were certainly appropriate in the lead-up to this Series: "Fighting on arrival [England], fighting for survival [West Indies]."

Now, Everton, to answer your question on what this means for the Ashes. My bet is Australia will bottom out but be on the rise for the Ashes series as long as they don't panic. Unless South Africa do an England 2005 and "celebrate rather than consolidate", they'll win the return bout against Australia. However, Australia could make some headway if Phil Hughes and Bryce McGain perform well in South Africa. Then Brett Lee and Stuart Clark should return from injury to strengthen the attack.

Meanwhile England has to decide if Steve Harmison is worth the aggravation, whether Monty Panesar is just suffering a form slump, and who is to be the No. 3 batsman. In addition, Strauss has to prove he can unite a team that has some issues. And here's something to ponder, Everton: if the selectors decide to recall Michael Vaughan, Strauss would then have the assistance of four former captains to "help" mould team spirit.

"Colonials unite," I say. Everton, tell your beloved team to continue the good work against England and we can then enjoy our reunion at the Old Swan in Notting Hill while sipping on a South Australian red, with "Buffalo Soldier" playing on the jukebox.