Bazball's last stand: build your own Ashes fantasy adventure

England's rested and chastised pack of fast bowlers cannot believe their luck as they are handed the chance to reset their agenda, and seize it in no uncertain terms. Archer purrs in for the opening over, dispatching Jake Weatherald and Travis Head in a furious reassertion of his prowess against left-handers, before Wood - smarting from his wicketless stint in Perth but all the more lethal for an extra two weeks' conditioning - does likewise to Steven Smith and Marnus Labuschagne.

Australia are poleaxed for 98 inside three hours, giving England ample time to build a lead before twilight. Crawley belts his first ball on the up through the covers for four, before nicking off for 20 off nine balls. Brendon McCullum singles him out for agenda-setting praise after England level the series on the third morning.

Cummins is in no doubt about this one. Make England face their demons from the get-go, even without the man who claimed 10 for 113 in the first Test. Crawley and Duckett, however, are high on Bazball's fumes and they emulate Marcus Trescothick and Andrew Strauss' opening stand of 112 in 25.3 overs at Edgbaston in 2005.

True to form, England opt to go harder and harder rather than throttling back at any stage, but there is method to their mayhem as they skid to a standstill on 407 all out in 79.2 overs. That leaves just under an hour for Archer, Gus Atkinson, Wood and Brydon Carse to give it full beans in the Gabba twilight. Australia limp to the close on 30 for 4, with helmets, elbows and pads taking an utter pummelling. This time, there's no let-up in intensity, as the series is squared in style.

England duly rock up for the second Test with techniques honed but gameplans shot. Pope's century is the bedrock of their first-innings 352, while Root briefly threatens that elusive hundred before snicking off for 79, but the rest of the batting is neither here nor there. England bowl heroically in reply, in particular the indefatigable Atkinson, who pushes through the pain barrier to snag a precious lead with figures of 39-10-82-6, but looks suspiciously hobbly by the end and will never be quite the same again.

Just as they are beginning to contemplate a squared series, however, Starc marches out under the floodlights on the second evening and needs no time to remind the universe of his unmatched prowess with the pink ball. Match figures of 13 for 148 ensue. This disastrous tour is already heading for uncharted depths.

Australia need to reassert themselves after a muddled display in Brisbane, and sure enough, Smith is the man to do so. He dominates the first day with his 37th Test century, his 19th in Australia and his 13th in the Ashes, but despite a hefty 412 on the board by the second afternoon, England are not fazed by the run rate of just above 3.5. Crawley and Duckett blaze a trail in reply, and at the close, England are handily placed at 150 for 2 off 28 overs, with Joe Root well set on 24 not out.

There's a little devil on his shoulder as Root and Pope walk out to face Cummins' first ball on the third morning, however. He's in no doubt that his quarry is planning to hit his length outside off, and there's a tasty gap at deep third winking at him. To ramp, or not to ramp? That is the question ...

To ramp? Go to 9
Not to ramp? Go to 10

The media narrative has turned utterly feral. Australia's headlines have moved on from (mostly) good-natured mockery and are now savagely angry at having to cover yet another inept challenge. England's travelling journos are in existential meltdown, bemoaning the death of Bazball, the futility of resistance, the inevitability of mass sackings at the end of an equally inevitable 5-0 thrashing. Somewhere within the bowels of a besieged dressing room Stokes turns to address his troops once more, and urges them to seize the spirit of 2023, when England once again battled back from 0-2 down to grab the Moral Ashes with a historic 2-2 win…

Which player is first to rise and respond to his captain's words?

Ben Duckett: Go to 11
Joe Root: Go to 12

There's no stopping him. As Cummins hits his delivery stride, Root is already leaping into position, feet parallel as he presents his blade down the wicket… and lifts the ball gloriously, up, up and away over deep third for six! It's a deeply discombobulating statement of intent, and it has the desired effect of thinning out Australia's close catchers to plug this unlikely gap in the field. Root duly throttles back, nudging and dabbing the resultant singles to cruise effortlessly into his day's work. The inevitable duly follows in the afternoon session. A maiden century in Australia, the last demon slain as he begins his final approach towards Test cricket's runs summit. With the rest of the batters riffing off his durability, England rumble through to 582 all out, and on a wearing wicket, it's over to Bashir to deliver the 2-1 series lead.

As he crosses the rope, Root turns to Pope for reassurance. "is this the right option?" he asks, hoping to get the full Bazball backing that Stuart Broad had offered him in identical circumstances at Edgbaston two years earlier: "If it's in your gut, you've got to go for it - that's what we're about." Instead, Pope's glance of mild terror causes a fateful moment of second-guessing. Cummins duly hits his fourth-stump line and length, with good carry. Root's limp-wristed poke is neither one thing nor another, Smith guzzles the edge at second slip to scenes of Aussie bedlam. The indecision is contagious and uncontainable. Scott Boland rumbles through the middle order with 4 for 11 in six overs. It's 2-1 to Australia and Bazball, once again, has blinked at precisely the wrong moment.

England's nonsense-spouter-in-chief is put up for the media two days out from the Test. In a freewheeling press conference, he takes overdue credit for Travis Head's century in Perth, and when asked if there's any doubt about England's ability to fight back, he repeats the response made in similar circumstances after the Lord's loss in 2023. "I'm not sure how to answer that," he says. "I'm surprised about the question."

Having shocked the sport by leaving a handful of deliveries in the series to date, Duckett decides he's going after anything and everything this time around. He duly snicks Starc's second ball to gully after Stokes wins a priceless toss, and the end is swift and pitiless. Root, with a solitary fifty in six innings to date, is again blown away by the still-new Kookaburra. The Ashes are surrendered on just the eighth day of the series. A third whitewash in six tours is a mere formality.

The mindset-first mentality of Stokes and McCullum had been conceived out of the misery of England's experience in the 2021-22 Ashes - as a means for the players to learn to love the game again after the strictures of Covid, and as an attempt to wean the team off its destructive over-reliance on the genuine greats in its midst.

Just as the 2019 Ashes series was salvaged by the genius of Ben Stokes, so Root's miraculous run of form in 2021 (1708 runs at 61) had been the only thing keeping the team solvent throughout their dismal run of one win in 17 Tests. But now, in a reversion to that former type, it is time for England to end the pretence that this is a team of equals.

With the squad's entire apparatus now geared towards giving their greatest player the support he needs to thrive, Root knuckles down to produce the innings of his lifetime: a gargantuan double-century, greater even than the Chennai masterclass that seized a series lead in India during his annus mirablis. For once, Australia can't summon the requisite response, thanks in no small part to Stokes' unyielding 13-over, three-wicket spell on the fourth afternoon. It's 2-1 and the Ashes are alive at Christmas!

Deck the halls with vibes and glory. England are in pure party mode as the Boxing Day Test draws nigh, buoyed by their own Bazballing bravado and by the sudden panic in Australia's ranks, now that the flaws in their ageing outfit are no longer being hidden by their opponents' self-destructive streak. Gladstone Small, the hero of England's 1986 Melbourne victory is invited to give a motivational address at the Christmas fancy-dress party, and his entire supporters' group comes along for the ride. It just so happens that Small still has Elton John on speed dial; the subsequent impromptu gig in Stokes' hotel room is a you-had-to-be-there moment.

All is going swimmingly until Stokes pulls a cracker with Matthew Potts, and feels something go "twang" in his ribs region. Scans reveal an intercostal tear. Uh oh …

Stokes plays through the pain: Go to 15
Stokes plays it safe: Go to 16

Is there anything left to dredge from England's chaotic campaign? Salvation, of sorts, lies in the Plan B that has been going through its motions on the periphery of the tour. Ben McKinney has been solidly in the runs through the England Lions tour, and with Crawley now officially a busted flush, Stokes hands his young Durham team-mate a maiden Test cap shortly before the toss. Josh Tongue, Matthew Potts and another Lions call-up, Matt Fisher, shore up a bowling attack that is now creaking at the seams, and after losing the toss on a cloudy Melbourne Boxing Day, England pray that the green-tinged drop-in wicket isn't the dud that it has sometimes proven to be…

The wicket proves flat: Go to 18
The wicket proves spicy: Go to 19

He's come this far. He's buggered if he's backing down now. "Pain is only an emotion," Stokes grimaces at the toss, as he channels (once again) the spirit of Ian Botham, as well as the ghosts of his own Christmases past… the post-Bristol no-show of 2017-18, the mental and physical shortcomings of 2021-22. In he poddles off three determined paces, swinging the ball lavishly at 62mph and beating Australia for lack of pace, just as Beefy himself had done at the same venue 39 years earlier. It scarcely matters that he follows up with scores of 2 and 10, or that his subsequent absence allows Australia to swipe a consolation win in Sydney. Crawley's century is more than sufficient to set up a series-sealing five-wicket win. A gleeful sprinkler dance ensues in front of a jubilant Barmy Army, packed into the infamous Bay 13 in a further indication of how Australia's mighty citadel has fallen.

With a short turnaround to the Sydney Test, Stokes opts for discretion as the better part of valour, and passes the captaincy over to Brook so that he can embark on an intense bout of rehab. It's not the master stroke he hoped it would be. Brook and Pope, his former deputy, can't quite remember who is meant to be in charge, and key chances go begging for want of an extra leg gully or fifth slip. The inevitable beneficiaries are Smith and Labuschagne, whose twin hundreds drain the resolve of a team that is no longer as bulletproof as it likes to make out. It's all square going into the New Year…

The mood shift is extraordinary as the Ashes descends on Melbourne, certainly among the media and the scores of England fans who've flown in for the festive period. However, after taking their defeat on the chin, it is Australia who emerge the stronger - much as had been the case at Old Trafford in 2019, immediately after Stokes' Headingley heroics. Without getting drawn into details, both sides acknowledge that the series is still alive through the gut-busting efforts of England's greatest run-scorer, and when all is said and done, Australia still lead the Ashes head-to-head down under by 15 matches to one across the span of Root's career.

Try as Root (and Stokes) might, there's no way this fightback can be anything other than a flash in the pan. England's gameplan has been ransacked just to stay alive, and with injuries among their bowlers stacking up, the return of Josh Hazlewood from a hamstring strain is precisely the scale-tipper that they had hoped not to have to factor in. Despite a brace of Root fifties, Australia ease to a 123-run win late on the fourth day, and cap a 4-1 series scoreline in Sydney a week later. After such a wild campaign, it's asking too much of a broken team to bow out with a consolation win.

Boxing Days don't get much more brutal. After a flying fifty from Head, Weatherald and Labuschagne bed in for a second-wicket stand of 281 that spans all three sessions and is only ended by a determined burst from Carse, armed with the new ball late in the day. Smith, Alex Carey and the recalled Mitchell Marsh flog a toiling attack deep into the second afternoon, and with 556 on the board, the Ashes are as good as over…

And yet, from somewhere deep within their residual memory a battle-scarred team finds the will to throw caution to the wind one more time. McKinney is the catalyst, ten feet tall after his debut pep talk from Baz, as he and Duckett surge onto the offensive once more. Spurred on by memories of Alastair Cook's bloodless 244 in 2017, England go harder and harder still, safe in the knowledge that not even Starc is going to find movement on this featherbed. Brook falls short of a triple-century this time, but just as in Multan 14 months earlier, England surge past 800, and at a quick enough lick for a punch-drunk Australia to collapse on the fifth and final day. It's 2-2 heading to Sydney, and true to form, Bazball is taking the chaotic route.

England can't believe their luck, as their patched-up bowling attack find nibble and bounce throughout a cloudy first day. Potts is the pick, with 4 for 24, and at 117 for 6 shortly before tea, an 86,784 crowd is beginning to reconsider its options for the evening session. But Carey has other ideas. He and Cummins seize on England's inexperience to hoist Australia to 256 before stumps. If it feels like a decisive momentum shift, that's because it is. With five awkward overs to see out before the close, McKinney falls third ball for a duck, and after turning down a nighthawk, Pope is yorked by Starc's final ball of the day. England's first innings collapses to 114 all out before lunch. The Ashes are over by tea on the third day.

There's clearly no point in even turning up any more. As the spirit of Warnie circles over the Vulture Street End, Stuart Broad launches a petition for the Ashes to be voided, henceforth and forever more. The most storied rivalry in Test cricket is quietly retired, with one final gathering at a 150th anniversary wake at the MCG in March 2027. Australia win the first, and last, Test20 international by an innings and 45 runs.

Where's your money? Clearly, it was always on a 3-2 scoreline, if the pre-series fence-sitters are anything to go by… but which side of that fence will it all fall? It all comes down to a matter of belief.

After so many ups and downs, how Bazball are you still feeling, honestly? Your answer may determine the destiny of the urn.

Ride or die, baby! Go to 22
Just play sensibly, please. Go to 23

Your journey to this point has more or less adhered to England's basic philosophy, of running towards the danger, of blocking out the noise, of committing to the option and backing it 100%. Thus, self-evidently, it is written. With their mindsets locked in, Sydney provides the grand finale that The Oval could not two years earlier, the stage for a come-from-behind series win for the ages.

After a nip-and-tuck first two sessions, Brook and Jamie Smith cut loose against the old ball to power England past 300, before Wood - busting a gut, and his knee ligaments - bowls like the wind to bow out of Test cricket with 6 for 37. Stokes shoulders the bowling burden for the second innings, as he emulates Strauss, Brearley, Illingworth, Hutton and Jardine in seizing the Ashes on Australian soil.

We've read this script before. Safety first all round. Dig in against the new Kookaburra ball, build a platform, value your wicket, ignore the phalanx of close catchers and the dead weight of a scoreboard that hasn't budged in an hour. It's noble, but it's flawed, as Australia's now fully fit battery of all-time-great fast bowlers lock down their lines and lengths, and pick off the errors one by one. After a valiant series-long fight, England's battle-weariness proves their undoing. It's been their best showing in Australia for 15 years, but the wait for an Ashes series win extends into another decade.