BCCI tries to take the positives

Man intends Warner "punch" pun
Sources have confirmed that as recently as an hour ago, a man was found shamelessly intending a pun that featured the words "Warner" and "punch".

"Warner must be pleased as punch that he's probably going to be opening the batting for Austalia the rest of the series," said the man to a friend, before needlessly adding, "Get it?" Sources further confirmed that the man could barely contain his delight at what he apparently considered to be a novel play on words.

In what is probably the most dispiriting news of all, it has come to light that the man is a commentator employed by the broadcasters of the ongoing Ashes series.

Embattled BCCI just trying to focus on the positives
In the face of ever-mounting legal problems, the BCCI is just looking to keep positive. "Sometimes, when all else seems hopeless, it's important to count one's blessings, take stock of the things that one normally takes for granted, and look to focus on the positives," said a spokesman for the board.

"To that end, can we just say how humbled and grateful we are to note that the DRS hasn't been working out of late? I mean, thank God for small mercies!" he added, before jumping up and clicking his heels in joy.

Panesar blames poor coaching for urinating on bouncers
Monty Panesar has blamed poor coaching methods for his involvement in a fracas outside a nightclub that ended with him being fined by the police for urinating on a couple of bouncers.

"Look, I'm just a tailender; I dealt with the bouncers the only way I know how," protested the spinner.

"Oh, I used to hate it when he did that!" said Zaheer Khan, who has had some experience of Panesar's tactics against the short ball. "I remember bowling a few at him when England toured India, and instead of ducking under them or swaying out of the line, he'd... do that thing he does. It was awkward, to say the least. Needless to say, we had to change the ball more than once because, well, it was soaking wet," added Zaheer with a shudder.

"Poor coaching or not, it's actually the most effective ploy I've seen a batsman use against a bouncer, to be honest. I stopped bowling them at him after getting tired of having to wash my hands after each over."

Zimbabwe thrash India 5-0 in commentating
Never before has an Indian team been so upstaged and cruelly exposed for its limitations. One would have to cast one's mind back to the upset against Bangladesh in the 2007 World Cup to find a similarly shocking and embarrassing defeat at the hands of a much less favoured team. But then again, that was a one-off match, and not a 5-0 pasting as India received at the hands of a Zimbabwe team filled with unknowns.

In each of the five ODIs played recently, the Indian commentary team, conspicuous through their absence, were shown up time and again by their more professional, amiable, and just plain more listenable Zimbabwean counterparts.

Clichés were kept to a minimum; there were no telltale changes in inflection and tone of voice after a fall of a wicket or boundary scored, betraying the commentator's all-too-obvious fidelities; there was no race to fill the comfortable silences for no good reason. In the face of their team's repeated defeats on the field, the professionals in the box cracked good-natured jokes, were as generous in praise as they were in criticism, and were for the most part refreshingly neutral.

"To be upstaged in so naked a fashion hurts," conceded Ravi Shastri, speaking from Mumbai. "In fact it hurts like I've been hit by a tracer - ah, forget it."

Why the Afridi film will flop
Main Hoon Shahid Afridi (I am Shahid Afridi), the long-awaited film inspired by the life of the Pakistan allrounder, is set to be coming to a theatre near you.

The film is a heart-warming rags-to-riches-to-descent-into-brainless-mediocrity tale of a Pakistani youth, who for reasons best known to himself models his life after the cricketer, a life that should have theatre-goers pulling their hair out in exasperation by the end of the show, which, according to sources who have already seen the film, ends abruptly and without warning just when it seemed to be getting good.

According to others who were treated to a sneak peak, there were also issues with the main character. "Seems quite one-dimensional, if you ask me," said one viewer. "He didn't seem to learn from his mistakes; there was no growth, no character arc, etc. The director should have known better."

In his defence, the director said he could only work with the material at hand.

Kohli explains Rasool omission
Virat Kohli has sought to explain the strange omission of spinner Parvez Rasool from all five ODI matches against Zimbabwe.

"Giving Rasool a game would not only have given a lot of young cricket fans in Jammu and Kashmir a lot of pride and satisfaction, it would also have inspired many to pick up the game themselves, thereby providing some welcome distraction from decades of war and conflict in the region," said Kohli.

"But unfortunately, doing so would have meant dropping Ravindra Jadeja," he shrugged sadly. "You have to understand, Jaddu has been through a lot himself. He's just coming off a nasty fight with Raina, and then there was that time he was docked his IPL wages for trying to independently negotiate a new contract. Plus, there's that moustache he needs to justify keeping on his face. No, it just wouldn't have been fair of us to have suddenly dropped him for a dead rubber."