Meat of the bat to be removed from veggie-friendly version

Kevin Pietersen's jawline ruptures face
Kevin Pietersen's new avatar as a World Cup television pundit got off to a horrific start yesterday, when his painfully clenched jawline suddenly scythed through his own face and left him a dribbling, bloodied mess. The horrible moment was captured live on TV when KP was explaining to fellow pundits Wasim Akram and Sourav Ganguly the importance of keeping your head still over the ball before a shot. The accident occurred when Pietersen, dressed in an expensive dark suit by Armani, tastefully offset by a hilarious orange tan by Idioci, appeared to clench his teeth too hard as he strained for a more exaggeratedly defined jawline. His visibly alarmed co-hosts beat a hasty retreat as KP staggered around the stage, one hand clasped to his torn face, the other desperately texting a select few South African cricketers a revealing joke involving Graeme Swann he had sworn he'd tell them before he died.

Meat of the bat to be removed from vegetarian-friendly version
Vegetarian batsmen needn't worry any longer, as Woodworm, a company that will henceforth be known simply as Wood, has come out with a revolutionary new bat which has the "meat" part of the so-called sweet spot removed. In its place, hardcore vegetarians like Virender Sehwag will be pleased to find a massed gob of tasteless soya.

"Indiyaaah, Indiyah!" rallying cry analysed
Some say it is the greatest rallying cry in cricket. Others maintain it is the most creative expression of fan support in any sport. Long admired by professional songwriters, shameless admen, effete literary types and ineffectual aesthetes as much as by testosterone-bleeding sports fans and Virat Kohli, the inimitable chant of "Indiyaaah, Indiyah!" continues to entertain even as it undeniably eggs the team on. What's the secret?

"Personally, I think it's genius," said AR Rahman, owner of the world's smuggest face. "And the secret lies in its near-perfect symmetry. There's the first word, India, which is then followed up by the second word, which also happens to be India, but," he paused, a twinkle forming in his eye, "the first word is drawn out longer. Even I would have struggled for such a level of complexity," he said, playfully stating the obvious.

Nerdy intellectual-type former-player-turned-cricket writer Ed Smith agreed. "It confounds expectations, is what it does," he said. "Just when you think that there's no way on god's green Earth that these two words make up the entire chant, you're slapped in the face with the same two words again, and then again, ad nauseam, until faced with the realisation that these two words are all there is. It's existential, is what it is."

Dhoni to sue Afghanistan
The unlawful use of the helicopter shot by Mohammad Shazad while batting against India may have landed the Afghanistan opener in hot water. Reports suggest that MS Dhoni, the lawful owner of the patent, will move court to sue for damages. When asked to specify what damages, counsel for Mr Dhoni replied that, based on detailed and rigorous examination of the shot unfurled by Mr Shazad, there was "a real and credible threat that Mr Shazad might conceivably play it better than Mr Dhoni", leading to Dhoni losing of face with the Indian Air Force, in which he is an honorary group captain.

Gayle undecided on Bolt impression
Chris Gayle remains undecided on whether he should do the Usain Bolt victory celebration or not upon reaching a landmark in the Twenty20 World Cup. On the one hand, ponders Gayle, it would be the "right" thing to do, what with the Jamaican sprinter's recent Olympic exploits. On the other, however, Bolt still hadn't responded to a friendly tweet Gayle had sent him, congratulating him on his success. "The Bolt impression is way overdone anyway," Gayle glumly anticipates eventually reasoning to himself. "God****, I wish he'd respond to my tweet already."

Fletch relieved when India performs poorly
In his upcoming memoir, India coach Duncan Fletcher has spoken of his secret relief when India performs poorly, as it means that he's not under any pressure to celebrate or "make the necessary series of facial muscle arrangements to constitute what passes for that most godforsaken of artifices, the human smile".