Tendulkar forced to retire after failed apocalypse

Fletcher proves he's not a robot
Duncan Fletcher has long been derided for not being as expressive as he should be. Some might even say that he is the very personification of the phrase "wooden-faced". But tell that to his computer. For what Fletcher doesn't get from his fellow humans - recognition, validation, love? - he finds in abundance online.

The beleaguered India coach finds solace and confidence in the simple act of registering himself on at least one website a day, successfully retyping captcha words, an act he has become addicted to. "I can't describe the feeling you get when you have successfully proven to a website that you are, in fact, a human being and not a robot," Fletcher admitted on a talk show recently. "After a long, hard day of sitting poker-faced through matches, meetings and media scrums, being told that you are human after all is not just validating but a relief. I was beginning to wonder myself."

Man remains seated during Mexican wave
A man remained seated during a Mexican wave recently, and after giving it some thought, decided that he felt pretty good about himself for doing so. "I saw the wave coming round the stadium," said the strangely smug man, "and decided well in advance that I wasn't going to stand up and throw my hands in the air like everyone else."

Eyewitnesses say that the man remained defiantly seated with his arms folded across his chest through most of the game, while passing withering looks and making snide comments under his breath at his boisterous neighbours.

"Yeah, I'm quite proud of myself," the man said. "My mama always told me I was special, and damned if I didn't prove her right tonight."

Ravi Shastri reviews Life of Pi
The New Year has apparently inspired Ravi Shastri enough to make him want to diversify and channel his considerable talents into other outlets. To that end, the commentator, a self-proclaimed film buff, recently tried his hand at writing reviews.

As the story unfolds, it becomes increasingly clear that for Pi, the main character in the film, something has got to give. The fat lady starts to sing as soon as he realises that he's trapped on a boat with a tiger, and she doesn't let up until the film is over. Talk about putting the cat among the pigeons! I mean, the director is really mixing it up here. So, will Pi avoid a final nail in the coffin or will he find the strength to think outside the box and overcome this acid test? I don't want to give too much away but I'll just say it goes down to the wire.

PS: This is going to be touch and go

Mitchell Johnson to celebrate second wind with new tattoo
Mitchell Johnson has decided to celebrate his recent burst of success with the Australian team by getting another tattoo - this time of a baby unicorn.

"Did you know that unicorns are a symbol of purity, and that in some cultures it is thought that one can only be captured by a virgin?" said the strapping fast-bowling allrounder, who also sports tattoos of a dragon on his arm and a fierce wild cat across his abdomen.

"I'm thinking of calling her Rainbow," added Johnson, whose fiery short-pitched bowling recently sent two Sri Lankan batsmen to hospital.

Tendulkar forced to consider retirement after failed apocalypse
Sources close to Sachin Tendulkar have revealed that the batsman had delayed his retirement because he wanted to see if the end of the world as prophesied by the Mayan calendar would come to pass after all. "Sachin had high hopes for the apocalypse," said a source. "He figured that if the world did end, he wouldn't have to retire."

As things transpired, however, the world didn't end, forcing Tendulkar to consider his place in the game yet again. The disappointed legend duly announced his retirement from ODIs on December 23, two days after the scheduled apocalypse.

Bird takes wing
A sportswriter congratulated himself for not using the headline "Bird takes wing" in describing Jackson Bird's impactful debut against Sri Lanka in the second Test. After further consideration, however, the writer not only went ahead and used the headline, but also made the issue of whether to use the headline or not the entire subject of the small paragraph he was writing as part of a larger collection.

Professor Hafeez there for his boys outside of office hours
Rumours that Mohammad Hafeez is taking the nickname "Professor" a tad too seriously have been confirmed, according to team-mates. "We didn't think too much of it when he started chalking out team tactics against a blackboard," said Umar Gul, "but it was when he started making calls to our parents and asking them to 'come in for a talk sometime about little Umar' that things got a little tiresome." Recently Hafeez has been seen sporting a tweed jacket and telling team-mates they needn't have to wait for office hours if there's "something on their mind they need to talk about". "Think of me as your friend, not your teacher," Hafeez is alleged to have said.