Shoaib and Sania bring the peace, love and understanding
Our intrepid reporter caught up with the poster-children for India-Pakistan amity ahead of the semi-final
Samantha Pendergrast
30-Mar-2011
"I told you, Max Factor foundation makes you look like a zombie." "Oh, when I heard 'zombie' I thought you were talking about your team's running between wickets." • Associated Press
Sania: India, India, India!
Shoaib: Whoa, girl, pipe down.
Sania: Or what? You'll ban me? Coz that's all you "former" Pakistani cricketers know how to do.
Shoaib: Ouch. If only you could serve something that unplayable on the court…
Sania: Tennis pun? What next, a volley of abuse?
Shoaib: Okay, what are we fighting about again?
Sania: We're not fighting. We're just trying to tell people that we should be the official mascots of all India-Pakistan matches henceforth. So can you try and act cuddly?
Shoaib: Whoa, girl, pipe down.
Sania: Or what? You'll ban me? Coz that's all you "former" Pakistani cricketers know how to do.
Shoaib: Ouch. If only you could serve something that unplayable on the court…
Sania: Tennis pun? What next, a volley of abuse?
Shoaib: Okay, what are we fighting about again?
Sania: We're not fighting. We're just trying to tell people that we should be the official mascots of all India-Pakistan matches henceforth. So can you try and act cuddly?
Haroon Lorgat: (clearing throat) Excuse me. By using the words "official" and "mascot" in conjunction you have triggered our anti-ambush-marketing clause-hunter. You'll shortly be receiving a show-cause notice and should you fail to respond to it within a week of receiving it…
Shoaib: Oh shut it. Go find a suit to not look good in.
Sania: Yeah, and then stone some poor Indians for wanting tickets to watch the final.
Shoaib: Oh shut it. Go find a suit to not look good in.
Sania: Yeah, and then stone some poor Indians for wanting tickets to watch the final.
(Lorgat runs away crying)
Shoaib: But, really, I don't get you Indians. Why such gluttons for punishment - getting lathi-charged and then coming back for more?
Sania: We're doing it for Tendulkar.
Shoaib: Getting welts on your behinds? I really hope that if India win, he doesn't thank the people of India for their support. Such a cliché.
Sania: (snorts) So he should be like Immy and just thank himself?
Shoaib: Missy! You did not just sledge Imran Khan!
Sania: Sure I did. He may be a sex god but modesty ain't his middle name - unlike Sachin's.
Shoaib: Please! I'm sure he's thinking of nothing but his 100th hundred. That dinosaur.
Sania: (frothing at the mouth) Let me tell you exactly how many of those hundreds came against Pakistan…
Shoaib: Let me tell you exactly how many knee-length boots Veena Malik wore during her appearance on Big Boss…
Sania: You're sure you're not related to Ijaz Butt? Because your attempts to obfuscate the point are just as pathetic.
Shoaib: You are pathetic.
Sania: You are.
Shoaib: You are.
Sania: We're doing it for Tendulkar.
Shoaib: Getting welts on your behinds? I really hope that if India win, he doesn't thank the people of India for their support. Such a cliché.
Sania: (snorts) So he should be like Immy and just thank himself?
Shoaib: Missy! You did not just sledge Imran Khan!
Sania: Sure I did. He may be a sex god but modesty ain't his middle name - unlike Sachin's.
Shoaib: Please! I'm sure he's thinking of nothing but his 100th hundred. That dinosaur.
Sania: (frothing at the mouth) Let me tell you exactly how many of those hundreds came against Pakistan…
Shoaib: Let me tell you exactly how many knee-length boots Veena Malik wore during her appearance on Big Boss…
Sania: You're sure you're not related to Ijaz Butt? Because your attempts to obfuscate the point are just as pathetic.
Shoaib: You are pathetic.
Sania: You are.
Shoaib: You are.
(News reporter looking for a free lunch and a phone charger bumps into the happy couple.)
Reporter: Oh my god! Shoaibania!
Sania: I think we prefer Sanaib.
Reporter: You two are a symbol of Indo-Pak ties - that despite all the political hoohaa, there's very little that separates the two countries.
Sania: Yeah, only wins and losses.
Shoaib: And fast bowlers versus slow-medium pacers.
Sania: Ball-swinging versus ball-tampering.
Shoaib: Power-hungry versus…
Sania: … the power-mad.
Sania: I think we prefer Sanaib.
Reporter: You two are a symbol of Indo-Pak ties - that despite all the political hoohaa, there's very little that separates the two countries.
Sania: Yeah, only wins and losses.
Shoaib: And fast bowlers versus slow-medium pacers.
Sania: Ball-swinging versus ball-tampering.
Shoaib: Power-hungry versus…
Sania: … the power-mad.
(Both laugh)
Reporter: Well as I was saying we really are one people. There's so much similar between us…
Sania: Yeah, we have equally inefficient cricket boards.
Shoaib: And maniacal fans.
Sania: And equally nutty fast bowlers.
Shoaib: And irritating cricketer-based cola ads.
Sania: And really stupid domestic team names. Kochi Tuskers?
Shoaib: Er, I play for the Sialkot Stallions.
Sania: Yeah, we have equally inefficient cricket boards.
Shoaib: And maniacal fans.
Sania: And equally nutty fast bowlers.
Shoaib: And irritating cricketer-based cola ads.
Sania: And really stupid domestic team names. Kochi Tuskers?
Shoaib: Er, I play for the Sialkot Stallions.
(Both laugh again and prepare to walk away hand in hand)
Reporter: And that's what makes this rivalry so unique, so enduring, so full of hope, so heart-warming, so soul-stirring…
Shoaib: Oh shut it, go find some fans outside the PCA stadium to annoy.
Sania: Don't forget to ask them how they are feeling.
Shoaib: Oh shut it, go find some fans outside the PCA stadium to annoy.
Sania: Don't forget to ask them how they are feeling.
All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up (but you knew that already, didn't you?)