The most awesome things that didn't happen this year

Dear cricket fans, once again we have come to the end of another calendar year of outstanding cricketing action. Personal and team records have been set and then broken. There have been controversies but also champions, scandals but also surprises, outrageous behaviour but also outstanding performances.

What a year it has been.

Unfortunately at this very moment I am not able to pick my favourite memories from 2010. Due to too much exposure to cricket on TV and the internet, my mind is no longer capable of distinguishing between cricketing memories. The only ones I remember with any clarity are Shane Warne's ball of the century to bowl Mike Gatting, Yuvraj Singh's six sixes and a VVS Laxman Test innings that must have been against Australia. I think.

I intend to go through Youtube for fresh 2010 memories as soon as possible.

However I am also left a tiny bit disappointed. There was potential for plenty more cricketing drama and suspense and thrills in 2010, none of which actually transpired. Which is why I have decided to assemble a collection of 12 imaginary cricketing highlights from 2010, one for each month. None of these things happened. But if they had, it would have been awesome. I sincerely hope that in 2011 the ICC and other cricketing bodies will be able to achieve landmarks like these.

And here they are:

January 2010 After months of legal wrangling, conclusive rulings have finally been passed on all IPL ownership cases. In a verdict that upheld the stay order on a lower court decision that overturned an appeal following a show-cause notice issued by the BCCI, the Bombay High Court has decided that Rajasthan Royals will now be owned by the Bombay High Court. Justice Kulkarni says: "We are planning to dismantle the entire team and build it up from scratch. So far we have decided to retain only Shilpa Shetty."

February 2010 Chaos ensues during a friendly Afghanistan-Pakistan cricket match. Halfway through the Pakistani innings, just as Misbah-ul-Haq tickles a ball down to fine leg, the ground is attacked by a unmanned US Predator drone aircraft. Thankfully none of the players are hurt as the drone manages to fire only one round at the commentator booth. A dazed Ravi Shastri says: "It was a tracer bullet."

Afghanistan win the match after Kamran Akmal scores 13 off 122 balls, runs out two out of the first five Pakistani wickets, drop-kicks Salman Butt, who was trying to take a quick single, sledges profusely in Urdu while Mohammed Sami bats, drops four catches and leaks 77 leg-byes.

March 2010 Cricketing and international sporting history is achieved when Bangladesh defeat Australia and South Africa in a triangular series in Hong Kong. The Tigers win each match by an average of five wickets or 80 runs. The final match between Bangladesh and Australia is a chaotic affair as the match is interrupted by seven power failures, one pizza delivery guy and 13 drinks breaks. After the match, player Justin Thomas of Lismore, New South Wales, switches off his Xbox 360 and goes to sleep.

April 2010 There is mounting evidence that the international cricketing calendar is too burdensome when Virender Sehwag scores a scintillating 113 off 79 balls for Kenya against a flabbergasted New Zealand side in the Twenty20 World Cup. After the match Sehwag clarifies that he woke up in the morning and simply lost track of the schedule. "Also," Sehwag tells reporters, "I thought it was a Test match."

May 2010 Crisis hits Pakistani cricket as the special commissioner appointed to look into charges of match-fixing against Kamran Akmal, is secretly taped accepting bribes from a News Of The World journalist in London. But it turns out the commissioner himself was secretly taping this secret taping to trap the journalist. Who, it was later revealed, was secretly taping the secret taping of the secret taping. In the ensuing chaos an undercover policeman working for Scotland Yard is deported to Pakistan.

June 2010 An astounding 18,234 spectators attend the first match in a three-match series between the women's cricket teams of India and Sri Lanka in Rajkot. "This is wonderful for the sport of women's cricket. Whenever I am stopped at traffic signals and talk to people I tell them how much I love watching women playing with each other," says chief guest MS Dhoni, who inaugurates the series. Dhoni quickly leaves after the ceremony, along with 18,223 spectators.

July 2010 An impasse is broken when the BCCI finally agrees to trial the new Umpire Decision Referral System. However, the system will be implemented with some modifications. Players will now have to make referral requests in writing, on a prescribed UDRS (Bharat) 7B form, at least three days before a decision is expected. Each referral must come attached with a demand draft for Rs 250 (Foreigner: $25,000) payable to the BCCI's bank account in Mumbai. Foreign players must attach a copy of passport with valid visa page. If the referral is found to be valid, a final decision will be posted to the concerned umpire's postal address. If the referral request is invalid, no further communication will be sent.

August 2010 Spectacular scenes unfold at ICC headquarters in Dubai when Qatar wins the right to host the 2023 cricket World Cup. Experts are taken aback that a country without a single cricket pitch or cricket team has been awarded the event. "The idea is to take cricket to new countries and markets. This is a brave new step!" says an ICC executive committee member before driving away in a new Ferrari P540 Superfast Aperta convertible with full leather upholstery, steering wheel cut out of a single diamond, solid gold dashboard equipped with permanently attached midget human being constantly reading out the speed, and jacuzzi.

A representative of the Qatari bidding team says the country was looking at various ways of building cricketing infrastructure including "buying Bangladesh or maybe one or two West Indies".

September 2010 The 2010 edition of the Twenty20 Champions League tournament is called off at the semi-final level after three teams from Australia and one from South Africa make it to the final four. "Yesterday's match between the Johannesburg Wanderers and the New South Wales Somethingortheothers was watched on TV by one man in Guwahati. Who already has an Airtel connection. Without the Indian teams this is an exercise in futility. We have decided to cut our losses," said an insider who did not want to be named.

October 2010 British prime minister David Cameron tells a shocked world that the Ashes urn seems to have been misplaced. "We've looked everywhere," said Cameron in the House of Commons, "we've looked on the beaches, on the grounds, in the fields, in the streets and in the hills." A contrite ECB says that the only option left is to declare England Ashes champions in perpetuity and devise a new tournament format. Surprisingly Cricket Australia agree to this in exchange for Graeme Swann.

November 2010 Cricket fans are both troubled and amused as China announces a new bat and ball game called Tricket. The game uses almost exactly the same rules as cricket but has 25 players per team and costs only one-third as much. But unlike cricket, tricket also plays video in high-definition, has a dual SIM facility, longer battery life and 32 GB onboard memory.

December 2010 The year ends in infamy with startling Wikileaks revelations. Cables from the ICC office to recipients in India seem to indicate that Sharad Pawar tried to buy cricket from the ICC in 2006. Observers are shocked to learn that the ICC seriously considered this for months. But the deal fell through, the cables say, because Pawar wanted to buy only the good bits. "I only want batting and drinks break. You can keep bowling and follow-ons," Pawar is said to have been quoted as saying.

Let us all hope and pray that 2011 delivers us many more cricket surprises and thrills. Have a very happy new year.