© A Bellyful of Dreams Entertainment
KP, Kev, Kapes, The Chicken Man (© the late Bob Woolmer, from: "Shoaib, leave the chicken man alone")
Shot-a-minute, switch-hitting superstar who abandoned his native land for fame, fortune, the love of a pop starlet, many tattoos, and being cricket's Dave Beckham (in the Posh role: Jessica Taylor, formerly of Liberty X). Like the story of the prodigal son told by a Bollywood producer, minus the cautionary ending.
Be South African, be legendary for his rubbish catching, have a spray-painted rodent on his head, date a girl called Caprice, be given to lurid displays of badge-kissing upon reaching a batting landmark.
You better believe it. He may not do self-deprecation, but he has spoken in favour of that noble British institution, the TV dance show. He recently asked for permission to nip back home while on the West Indies tour to watch his wife compete in one.
He's made eight ducks in international cricket.
Blond showboating spin sensation Shane Warne (used to, at any rate), and bling-laden cool dude Chris Gayle. Wonder what the attraction is.
"Shaaaaaades of Vivian Richards there," Bob Willis memorably and repeatedly caterwauled of Pietersen in 2005.
KP was once reportedly paid £50,000 to wear diamonds in a Test match.
Turn up in an ad for South African tourism.
Star in The Kev and Jess Show, an all-singing, all-dancing extravaganza, in the year 2016.
Anything, as long as it is red, is a convertible, has vanity plates, and is made by Ferrari.
The hall of mirrors in the Palace of Versailles
To feel loved, which is why he has vowed never to be away from his wife for 11 weeks, like he had to be this season.
Back in July last year, after he made a hundred against South Africa at Lord's. To prove it, he said, "I feel so, so loved."
Not for about another 10 days, during which crowds all over South Africa will get stuck into him for being an ingrate and a traitor, while he captains a bottom-feeder team that contains at least five players from South Africa.
At a performance of Othello, before someone told him the word was "moor".