Wonder what Jimmy Neesham's on about here?

Could it have been a foolish review in the India v England Test?

No, it was, of course, the US election.

But he did have one positive thing to say about the winner.

And now another horror story. Skip past this tweet if you're the sensitive sort.

Harrowing.

We use quite a lot of KP's tweets in this column. As of now, we consider this a personal service for Ed Cowan.

So here you go, Ed. Aside from the coffee catastrophe (Cofftastrophee? Catastrocoffee?) KP's been training - although he didn't seem to be fully into it.

Chris Gayle's mind didn't seem fully on the job either.

Perhaps, as Tim Bresnan says…

Perhaps Gayle was just weary from all the self-promotion.

When you're sitting around in your own bar and feel the need to tweet about it, there's only one thing to brandish…

… a copy of your autobiography.

You don't need to do the hard yards in the gym to justify a selfie anyway. If you're a cricketer, all you need to do is board a flight.

Or if you're Umar Akmal, you've long since transcended the need for selfie excuses. These days they just pour out in a veritable torrent with no justification for any of them.

This week his default standing-in-the-garden-wearing-sunglasses pic has been given an innovative twist. He's experimenting with standing slightly at an angle.

Innovative.

Meanwhile, old lags Younis and Misbah are still labouring under the misapprehension that they need to have been engaged in some kind of activity to warrant a photo.

You don't need props, lads - although if they make Younis look like the happiest man on earth, then maybe it's worth it after all.

Providing people with a window into their personal lives is one reason why it's not uncommon for celebrities to attract stalkers. However, it's less common for a celebrity to begin stalking a member of the public.

Have a productive day! That's a demand. He's watching you. He's watching you and the other 12.5 million people who follow him on Twitter.

He'll even watch you in the dark.

Somewhere in the world there is always a cricketer complaining about air travel.

Stuart Broad had a request before James Anderson boarded.

And don't forget to take a selfie.

Alex Bowden blogs at King Cricket