Rohit Sharma May 14, 2012

Hair, sweaty men, self-destruction

Need any more reasons to watch the games just before the pointy end of the IPL?
16

The IPL’s television ratings may be a few viewers short of a full sofa but those people who are wasting their time watching other shows really should give it a try. It has more preposterous posing than an episode of Jersey Shore, more outlandish dance moves than a Bollywood flick, and some of the strangest hair styles you’ll see outside of English football. There are also sweaty men in polyester, if sweaty men in polyester are your thing.

Most importantly, it is really very close this time. Usually at this stage in the IPL cycle, we are sitting around twiddling our thumbs, trying not to look too bored, and sneaking furtive glances at the calendar when the players aren’t looking. When do the playoffs begin? As battles go, the battle for fourth place is not exactly Gettysburg. Many of the games at the fag end of the league stage have all the gripping tension of the Shopping Channel.

But not this time. As we speak, the IPL is poised as delicately as a priceless Greek vase on a rickety wooden trestle table in the foyer of a really busy hotel. You know it is going to fall eventually. But which way will it fall and when? And how many pieces will it break into? And who will clean the pieces up? And who will fill in the insurance claim forms? You get the idea. Will plucky Rajasthan escape their mid-table peril? Stay tuned to find out!

Credit for this state of affairs has to go to the former pace-setters, Delhi and Kolkata, who rather than ploughing on tediously with the victories, have seen the bigger picture and thrown in a stinker or two. Consequently the others have been able to catch up and the viewer has some reason to tune in for the rest of the league stage other than the chance of seeing Ganguly’s hair call a press conference to announce its resignation.

Kolkata went first on Saturday by losing to Mumbai. Losing is too small a word to describe what happened but it will have to do because I’m saving “catastrophe” for the Delhi paragraph. I also own an apology to Rohit Sharma. I thought the man who has been impersonating him was doing a reasonable job, but now that the real Rohit has showed up, I can see the difference. Rohit can bat, after all.

He was helped on his way by Jacques Kallis who has clearly watched Fire in Babylon once too often. When one short ball was despatched, Kallis said rude things to Rohit and followed up with another one, which went in the same direction. Big Jacques lingered for a moment, glaring, with the deeply etched frown of the school bully on whom it is slowly dawning that he might possibly be wasting his time.

But then Jacques, not so much Whispering Death as Lumbering Groin Strain, asked himself: what would Michael Holding do? Inevitably, there ensued a third bouncer, which this time provoked the new IPL signal of umpiring disapproval from Simon Taufel, in which the official places his right palm against his face and shakes his head slowly. Oblivious, Kallis went to plan D. A long hop disguised as a bouncer! Take that, Rohit! And so it went on.

And what Kolkata can do, Delhi can too. Their catastrophe in Chennai was a homage to previous Delhi teams, who often forgot to pick any middle-order batsmen on the basis that they had Sehwag so they didn’t need any. With KP off playing for Somewhereshire in the English Precipitation League and Mahela having mislaid the plot, Delhi are once more dangerously dependent on their tiny openers, Slashy and Swipey, the deadly dwarves of destruction and, on occasion, self-destruction.

Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England

Comments have now been closed for this article

  • vinod on May 28, 2012, 7:34 GMT

    more Lumbering Groin Strain than Whispering Death ha ha ha hilarious man

  • Sagir Parkar on May 15, 2012, 11:08 GMT

    Thanks for a brilliant start to my day Andrew.. i admit i thoroughly enjoy your articles cos they come across as something written by a passionate cricket lover, and someone who is unbiased.. says as he sees ! besides your use of words and humour is something i like and enjoy.. really do enjoy reading every one of them.. so please keep them coming ! it is like succour in the current age of county championships and sour grumpiness from the ECB.

  • safwan on May 14, 2012, 19:25 GMT

    lolol .... andrew you are definitely upsetting the men in charge of the IPL!.......... the best thing about this league is that it can make its viewers puke in disgust! leaves no need for digestion-enhancing medication. :)

  • prem on May 14, 2012, 13:31 GMT

    awesome.. one of the best pieces in the series...

  • Vic on May 14, 2012, 11:11 GMT

    Great piece of writing!!!

  • miloo on May 14, 2012, 10:50 GMT

    this is so f***g hilarious man. keep on writing. good luck!

  • alloy on May 14, 2012, 10:37 GMT

    articles such as this one are prolly why the nation grinds through 2 months of peak summer cricket torture.......way to go andy! with very little team loyalty among most viewers, the IPL is like a tv serial that is splashed across newspapers , and tv channels..... a gigantic media envelope is being passed around and guys like SRT and SG are dying to find some praise in this little self-obessed puddle..... test matches can go take a hike ..eh "little master"?

  • Anand S K on May 14, 2012, 9:31 GMT

    "Slashy and Swipey, the deadly dwarves of destruction and, on occasion, self-destruction." Hahaha... Brilliant...

  • Phaedrus on May 14, 2012, 9:19 GMT

    ... and what of Deccan? Two games, two scores above 180 and two shellackings. I guess Steyn's current state of mind merits a piece from you. Cheers.

  • Harsh on May 14, 2012, 9:07 GMT

    Andrew, you are amazing.... at one time i thought that those zaltzman days of reading funny articles about IPl are over but claerly there arent. THank you

  • vinod on May 28, 2012, 7:34 GMT

    more Lumbering Groin Strain than Whispering Death ha ha ha hilarious man

  • Sagir Parkar on May 15, 2012, 11:08 GMT

    Thanks for a brilliant start to my day Andrew.. i admit i thoroughly enjoy your articles cos they come across as something written by a passionate cricket lover, and someone who is unbiased.. says as he sees ! besides your use of words and humour is something i like and enjoy.. really do enjoy reading every one of them.. so please keep them coming ! it is like succour in the current age of county championships and sour grumpiness from the ECB.

  • safwan on May 14, 2012, 19:25 GMT

    lolol .... andrew you are definitely upsetting the men in charge of the IPL!.......... the best thing about this league is that it can make its viewers puke in disgust! leaves no need for digestion-enhancing medication. :)

  • prem on May 14, 2012, 13:31 GMT

    awesome.. one of the best pieces in the series...

  • Vic on May 14, 2012, 11:11 GMT

    Great piece of writing!!!

  • miloo on May 14, 2012, 10:50 GMT

    this is so f***g hilarious man. keep on writing. good luck!

  • alloy on May 14, 2012, 10:37 GMT

    articles such as this one are prolly why the nation grinds through 2 months of peak summer cricket torture.......way to go andy! with very little team loyalty among most viewers, the IPL is like a tv serial that is splashed across newspapers , and tv channels..... a gigantic media envelope is being passed around and guys like SRT and SG are dying to find some praise in this little self-obessed puddle..... test matches can go take a hike ..eh "little master"?

  • Anand S K on May 14, 2012, 9:31 GMT

    "Slashy and Swipey, the deadly dwarves of destruction and, on occasion, self-destruction." Hahaha... Brilliant...

  • Phaedrus on May 14, 2012, 9:19 GMT

    ... and what of Deccan? Two games, two scores above 180 and two shellackings. I guess Steyn's current state of mind merits a piece from you. Cheers.

  • Harsh on May 14, 2012, 9:07 GMT

    Andrew, you are amazing.... at one time i thought that those zaltzman days of reading funny articles about IPl are over but claerly there arent. THank you

  • abhijith l m on May 14, 2012, 8:42 GMT

    too good :)

  • Abu Balanandan on May 14, 2012, 7:47 GMT

    absolutely superb piece!!this is how subtle it should be!! indian writers pretending to be funny take note!!

  • sayan on May 14, 2012, 7:12 GMT

    What a flamboyant style of narration - awesome piece of writing.Well Done!

  • Rahul J on May 14, 2012, 7:00 GMT

    this is too much man, 'the deadly dwarves of destruction and, on occasion, self-destruction.' too freaking much ;)

  • Ashok Vasan on May 14, 2012, 7:00 GMT

    Dear Smutty, During the Strategic Timeout, Slashy and Swipey were each handed a Slurpee and a copy of this article. Neither of the items went down too well with them. They have despatched Smiley - a deadly enforcer - to put you back in your place.

    Well done Andrew..enjoyed it.

  • Gowtham on May 14, 2012, 6:29 GMT

    Andrew, you are hilarious. Please don't stop writing. One, for losing out on your set piece articles, and the other for the fear of having you in any other profession. More so, the later. Cheers !!!!!!

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  • Gowtham on May 14, 2012, 6:29 GMT

    Andrew, you are hilarious. Please don't stop writing. One, for losing out on your set piece articles, and the other for the fear of having you in any other profession. More so, the later. Cheers !!!!!!

  • Ashok Vasan on May 14, 2012, 7:00 GMT

    Dear Smutty, During the Strategic Timeout, Slashy and Swipey were each handed a Slurpee and a copy of this article. Neither of the items went down too well with them. They have despatched Smiley - a deadly enforcer - to put you back in your place.

    Well done Andrew..enjoyed it.

  • Rahul J on May 14, 2012, 7:00 GMT

    this is too much man, 'the deadly dwarves of destruction and, on occasion, self-destruction.' too freaking much ;)

  • sayan on May 14, 2012, 7:12 GMT

    What a flamboyant style of narration - awesome piece of writing.Well Done!

  • Abu Balanandan on May 14, 2012, 7:47 GMT

    absolutely superb piece!!this is how subtle it should be!! indian writers pretending to be funny take note!!

  • abhijith l m on May 14, 2012, 8:42 GMT

    too good :)

  • Harsh on May 14, 2012, 9:07 GMT

    Andrew, you are amazing.... at one time i thought that those zaltzman days of reading funny articles about IPl are over but claerly there arent. THank you

  • Phaedrus on May 14, 2012, 9:19 GMT

    ... and what of Deccan? Two games, two scores above 180 and two shellackings. I guess Steyn's current state of mind merits a piece from you. Cheers.

  • Anand S K on May 14, 2012, 9:31 GMT

    "Slashy and Swipey, the deadly dwarves of destruction and, on occasion, self-destruction." Hahaha... Brilliant...

  • alloy on May 14, 2012, 10:37 GMT

    articles such as this one are prolly why the nation grinds through 2 months of peak summer cricket torture.......way to go andy! with very little team loyalty among most viewers, the IPL is like a tv serial that is splashed across newspapers , and tv channels..... a gigantic media envelope is being passed around and guys like SRT and SG are dying to find some praise in this little self-obessed puddle..... test matches can go take a hike ..eh "little master"?