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The Kevin Pietersen reintegration package

England's players work together to bring KP back into the fold

Alan Tyers

Comments: 6 | Text size: A | A
Kevin Pietersen checks his notes, Colombo, October 3, 2012
Kevin Pietersen is puzzled by the clause: Please give us the number of your stylist, when you get the chance © Getty Images
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Series/Tournaments: ICC World Twenty20
Teams: England

The "reintegration of Kevin Pietersen into the group", aside from making him sound like an exotic zoo creature that has been bullied by rival males for having an intimidatingly gaudy plumage*, has necessitated some concessions and commitments on all sides. Like the following:

Kevin has agreed to…
… nod politely and pretend to be interested when senior professionals express concern about important matters of squad harmony, such as the vital question of who gets first go on the team PlayStation after nap time.

… not walk around in favourite t-shirt that carries the message "Moores… Strauss… You're next, buddy".

… not laugh at team-mates about World Twenty20 efforts or wave wads of money he got from commentary duties while they were gibbering helplessly in face of Harbhajan, etc.

… switch from Blackberry to iPhone.

Stuart has agreed to…
… continue to focus on taking the positives going forward.

… not defriend anybody's likes or direct message their tweet profiles or whatever the hell it is these sporting enforcers get up to in their spare time.

Jimmy has agreed to…
… not accuse Kevin of cashing in on his England status for personal financial gain; read more about this in Jimmy's book, available in all good bookshops for £19.99.

Swanny has agreed to…
… not making off-putting farting noises when Kevin is getting ready to face a ball in the nets.

Graeme Smith has agreed to…
… cackle with glee at a job well done.

Andy has agreed to…
… choose words extremely carefully in interviews, stare intensely, not give in to temptation to throttle any of the little sods.

Giles has agreed to…
… acknowledge that his magnificent handling of this situation has allowed a resolution to occur, and to accept the humble gratitude and adoration of his public.

* Actually this is almost exactly what has happened.

RSS FeedAlan has ghost-written a book for Premier League legend Ronnie Matthews. It is called I Kick Therefore I Am.
All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?

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© ESPN Sports Media Ltd.

Comments: 6 
Posted by Sunman81 on (October 8, 2012, 7:15 GMT)

Swanny has agreed not to make farting noise during KP's net session? lol...good one...No agreement reached with Cook then? :D

Posted by   on (October 5, 2012, 12:51 GMT)

Good sports humor to share here in these States...not the kind one might see written about baseball or football...was refreshingly good piece. On another note, I do admire the style of cricket KP plays, but I still think he is not going to be well received by the team or fans... I had a chance meeting a while ago with a retired teacher-couple from England, the man clearly stated that he did not think he'd live to see a non-englishman captain the England team and that maybe one of the issues with KP and at least one of his predecessor....yes I know he is not the captain today, but still seen as a critical contributor and may be rubbing some Brits the wrong way...just an opinion of someone looking in from the outside....

Posted by Garp on (October 5, 2012, 11:33 GMT)

KP will have the last laugh is this saga. While Broad and Swann struggle to take wickets, especially Broad, and both toil aimlessly with the bat KP will stroll in and bash the oppositions bowlers all over the pitch once again providing the only real intimidation and quality within the England side.

Posted by rojclague on (October 5, 2012, 9:00 GMT)

I laughed.

Bring back KP. He is great and entertaining batsman, especially in Tests. England need him to have chance of getting back to being best Test team.

Also he inspires such fun as in this piece.

Posted by Selassie-I on (October 5, 2012, 8:42 GMT)

That is great Alan, very funny. And it sums up the entire KPgate situation complelty - a massive joke from all corners! Should never have got to this stage, I really wonder what all these managers, psycologists and the such like do with the ECB to bring home a paycheck. Their jobs should be under serious scrutiny.

Posted by   on (October 5, 2012, 8:25 GMT)

very good sign for English team that they get back their player.. the player who proved himself in every format of game.... England should have realize what they have don in world t20 without him? kids like bristow they cant be a replacement for player like KP

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Alan Tyers
Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.

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Alan TyersClose
Alan Tyers Alan Tyers writes about sport for the Daily Telegraph and others. He is the author of six books published by Bloomsbury, all of them with pictures by the brilliant illustrator Beach. The most recent is Tutenkhamen's Tracksuit: The History of Sport in 100ish Objects. Alan is one of many weak links in the world's worst cricket team, the Twenty Minuters.
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