KP's trip north

Kevin Pietersen surveyed the away dressing room with distaste.

"Do you know how far we are from Chelsea?" he sniffed. "Edinburgh. That's not even in England."

Coach Flower perked up.

"Perhaps we can pick up a few batsmen while we're here," he said. "Anyone heard of any disillusioned Scotsmen?"

"There's my cousin, Hoots McMorgan," ventured Eoin Morgan. "He's a caber-tosser by profession, but he hits a long ball, he's already sick of Scotland after only two games, and he's got a Young Person's railcard to help with those pricey journeys down to Lord's."

Coach Flower reached into his bag for an ECB "So You Think You Might Be English?" information pack, and began addressing the envelope to McMorgan.

Seemingly oblivious to the conversation around him, Pietersen was still muttering.

"I just can't believe Hampshire would expect me to drive all the way from the luxury multi-million pound Chelsea penthouse I share with my popstar wife Jessica Taylor, the prettiest one out of Liberty X, just to go and bestride the county game like a colossus a few times a season," said Pietersen.

"It goes against everything I believe in, to travel a long way from home in order to play cricket."

"To be sure," agreed Morgan. "How dare they?"

"Ja, bru," said Craig Kieswetter. "Ek miss my mummy."

"And all this travelling, never knowing which passport to use," said Morgan. "This international cricketing business is harder than they make out."

"Well, maybe I'll just give up on international cricket altogether, like Chris Gayle has done," said Pietersen.

Stuart Broad put down his dumbbells.

"Maybe you just need a break, like me during the Bangladesh matches, to get ripped in the gym, like a tiger, like a tank. A 180-pound, six-foot-five fast bowling tank. With a tiger in it. Roooarrrrr."

"Yeah, maybe," said Pietersen. "A few weeks admiring myself in the mirror could be just what the doctor ordered.

"Or maybe I just need a change of scene. Did you know, the traffic on the M3 has apparently got so bad, it's actually quicker to commute to Bangalore to play for the Challengers?"