'Abhi nahin toh kabhi nahin'

It was the first time I had wanted to go and talk directly to a selector. I knew this was Rajasthan's last match of our Ranji season, and so I knew we would not be able to meet anywhere else. I wanted to know what are the things I should do (to get picked for the national squad), what is going wrong with me. That was because I wanted to get an answer as to what else I could do to get there because I want to be there (in the Indian team).

Ultimately I want to play for the country, a dream, a goal virtually every domestic player aspires to at some point. Now steadily as my age is increasing, I have started to doubt whether I would be able to reach that dream. Also the criteria which are needed to make the India team, which I have been achieving in domestic cricket in the last four years, and still if the selection is not happening then I would obviously like to know what more I should do.

The other option is to keep silent and continue playing which I have been doing. But my intention was to understand exactly why I am being sidelined or if they have given up on me. Then if that is the case I do not need to fight within myself or with people/things, then I can just calm down and plan my future. And if the selectors say that we have seen enough of you and we are not going to select you then I don't need to put myself under pressure each time hoping my name would be included every time a selection meeting happens.

I know that every year I cannot perform the way I have in the last four years. I am going to turn 29 so the age is going to soon turn against me. I know I can still play for four to five more years. And if I am just left to play domestic cricket, then my goals would not be that strong. And without goals I would not be able to put in this kind of effort, hard work and perform.

But in 2010-11, when Rajasthan won their first Ranji Trophy I was 26. I had taken 53 wickets that first-class season. I had many expectations considering India were going to tour many places like West Indies and England. So many other fast bowlers were picked and replaced others who were injured or unfit. But I never was included. So now I have reached a stage where I have started to think: abhi nahin toh kabhi nahin (if not now then maybe never). If it is khatam (end) then maybe I could even leave playing cricket possibly in two years. So these were the questions I wanted to ask.

Possibly. The Indian selection system has predominantly never given chances to a bowler over 30. Since four years I have waited ab mera number aayega, ab mera number aayega. Nahin aa rahan hein (My chance would come. It has not come). So even if I speak to someone it might not come and the selector might even get angry, or someone might inform me the areas I am falling short of. At least this way I could improve or at least I would tell myself that I did my best and only then I left.

Definitely. Not just this time, but last year when we were playing in Kolkata against Bengal in our Ranji season opener, I picked nine wickets. A national selector, who was present, walked upto me and said I had bowled really well. I was expecting a call-up for the home Test series against England but I did not get included. Till now I have no idea where I fell short. Even the selector appreciated my performance. Then in Mohali, against Punjab, the same selector said I was doing well. Even this season I started slow but started to get wickets steadily. At the start of this season I did not believe my name would be discussed. I knew I was not being counted in the top 10 fast bowlers in the country considering I had not been called for any A tour or Emerging Trophy series or even a national camp for fast bowlers.

I know that is not bad. But if a selector is encouraging me, I am doing well, and I am (still) nowhere. These are the people who are going to pick you in the team, make your career. Even this season, in Chennai against Tamil Nadu I took a five-for, all top-order wickets. Sandeep Patil (national selection panel chairman) while taking a walk said, "very well bowled. Good bowling." I did not say anything. As a player I can only perform and that I am doing from the last four years.

I will play maximum of one or two years then. Simple. Why would I like to continue to play if I am not going to play for India. I am not going to play just for money. I have earned enough and invested in the right places. Every player has a reason to continue playing. A good player does not hang in just to earn money. The main thing is dedication towards the job. Say if I had been picked and not performed then I would be angry to prove myself and play for another four or five years.

The biggest challenge is you are unable to decide what you should. You doubt whether your state association is weaker and not promoting you. Then sometimes you doubt if selectors are backing a player(s) from a particular zone. No player wants to think such questions. When you are performing you do not want to raise such doubts in your head. But if the same questions keep repeating in my mind then I am bound to doubt the system.

It because of the meeting my dream, the zid (stubbornness). Having come from a small place, Amethi in Uttar Pradesh, to this place where I am now, I do not want to give up.

Many times I heard I was not quick, so I worked on my pace. But importantly started first by working on my fitness and strengthening to make sure I was bowling at lively pace. In the last two years even I felt I was bowling quick - consistently 135kph. Barring Umesh Yadav, show me one fast bowler in India who has bowled consistently over 140kph. I have tried to tick every checkbox a selector thinks with regard to a fast bowler.

Yes. But right from when I was 26, I have never been considered or included. There are other players like Vinay Kumar and RP Singh, Dhawal Kulkarni who are around my age and still have played or been included in the squad. I am not nitpicking. Some of these guys have played more cricket than me, but my numbers show I am doing much better than many other fast bowlers.