Ricky, the defender of the weak and the useless

Yet again the cricket establishment finds ways to keep Australia down. I don’t see the point. Clearly Australia are the boy in the corner, cutting with rubber scissors. Every Australian sees a simple caught-behind. Haddin is convinced, Ricky is convinced (so convinced he didn’t even feel the need to appeal), Siddle is convinced, yet it remains not out. Then Mitchell Johnson takes the wicket of Prior, only for Aleem Dar to change his mind on a whim. And just to make sure that the Ashes are lost, and the English stay interested in cricket between soccer matches, Ricky’s run-out is denied.

All by “technology”.

A concept that has come into the game to prevent howlers, the officials say. Really it’s there to end Australia’s dominance of world cricket. Greg Chappell’s existence is for the very same reason. Ricky doesn’t need technology, computers, pimply geeks and Tony Greig to tell him when something is out; he just uses his Australian intuition. It’s a simpler system, and way more accurate in his eyes. Next they’ll tell him he can’t even have a quick chat with both umpires and the batsmen when he is frustrated.

Alan Tyers writes The thought of poor Australia being persecuted yet again is of course a terribly sad one for everyone, especially at this time of year. Just because none of the evidence – visual, audio, technological, extrasensory – could show that Kevin Pietersen had hit the ball is no reason at all to deny Australia what they want. What was Aleem Dar thinking – not only did he not do what Ricky decreed to be right, he then refused to overturn a decision that was not within his powers to overturn? He is a very dangerous man, and must be stopped.

There is far too much time and money, to say nothing of punditry hot air, wasted on the discussion and implementation of technological reviews in cricket. What Jarrod is proposing is a brilliantly simple solution: Ricky should just make all the decisions. No more Hotspot, eagleye, pigeon face, snicko, snacko, snocko or BluRay director’s cut. Just do away with all this rubbish and let Ricky decide on a case-by-case basis. So simple, and no more tears. Only Ricky can save the spirit of cricket.

Jarrod replies Thanks, Alan. I’m not saying Ricky never makes mistakes, of course, just that his way is better and more Australian. It isn’t just Ricky replacing technology. When he retires he could also be rented out to teams to fight for their rights out on the field. Why get Daniel Vettori to complain about a bad decision when you can just ask Ricky to come out on the ground to talk it out with the umpire?

Alan replies I have to admit, I do like the idea of Ricky travelling the world as a sort of one-man dissent army, righting perceived injustices on cricket fields in his own inimitably charming fashion. And I am sure if he carries on batting and captaining as he has been doing, he should have plenty more time on his hands to pursue that or any other exciting new opportunities. All hail Judge Ricky!