How to write about England: a handy primer
If you're hard-pressed to come up with the right things to say, this DIY template will help
Alan Tyers
04-Jun-2015
What next for the England cricket team? Thrilling performances like Lord's, or grim capitulations like Headingley? It's getting harder and harder for writers and commentators to keep up. Here's a multipurpose deadline-busting news report to help get ahead of the game.
The feel-good factor / familiar sense of crushing disappointment was back for England cricket following their most recent inspiring / useless display.
A group of young / callow cricketers performed with no fear / idea of how to play cricket as England once again demonstrated that they are well on the way to / still light years away from consistent competence.
The question now is whether they can upset* an intimidating Australian side / get through the Ashes without actually crying.
The energy / skittishness was plain for all to see as a succession of England batsmen took the fight to the opposition / ridiculous risks in a batting performance that made their recent dismal World Cup showing feel like a thing of the past / only yesterday.
England's new approaches / perennial failings were there for all to see as a series of batsmen played expansive / brainless shots in ideal batting conditions / an icy hurricane.
The top order provided a solid platform / handy cure for insomnia before the more expressive / daft middle-order men came in and played as if they had a point to prove / train to catch. New supremo Andrew Strauss was noted quietly nodding approvingly / sobbing into his Veuve Clicquot.
The only question for Strauss would appear to be why he didn't take the job sooner / ever gave up cushy number in the Sky commentary box to become associated once again with this shower.
England's revitalised / embattled captain Alastair Cook was slightly robotic / slightly robotic as he praised / defended his team.
"Obviously, there are a lot of positives to take from / there are a lot of positives to take from this victory / defeat," he said. "Belly has shown that he has matured so much / is still prone to the odd lapse and it's just a matter of time before he comes good / someone actually strangles him. And as for Garry Ballance, he has shown once again that he is putting his struggles behind him / should be deported back to Zimbabwe with immediate demands for a refund."
Kevin Pietersen had his say with a supportive / provocative tweet.
16:13:18 GMT, June 5, 2015: "upset" was not in bold, as it should have been, when the article was first published
More such japes in CrickiLeaks: The Secret Ashes Diaries