The Heavy Ball
What does it take to be Pakistan coach?
Be in touch with your softer side, but don't be afraid to take an eye for an eye when needed
Imran Yusuf
20-Sep-2011
What does the ideal candidate for coach of the Pakistan cricket team look like?
First and foremost, he is actually a she. I envisage a stocky little thing, clad in an elegant shalwar-kameez, with deceptively strong hands, and a faint whiff of garlic, ginger and menopause. Pakistani men are second only to Italians when it comes to loving their mothers. A nurturing, commanding maternal figure would immediately quell the rank indiscipline that has afflicted the side for two decades.
To avoid accusations of regional bias, she has a mother from Lahore, a father from Karachi, and a husband from Peshawar (who himself has four lines of lineage: a separate tribal affiliation from each grandparent). She has done voluntary work for an NGO in Balochistan, is politically neutral on Kashmir, and went to boarding school in England. Just to be safe, she bans Punjabi and Pashto from the dressing room and enrolls the entire squad for Esperanto classes.
Full postLife as a former slinger (still a curly blond)
There's all this free time to spend, but only if the Sri Lankan team stops making all those SOS calls
Damith Samarakoon
19-Sep-2011
August 20
Loving all the free time. Did absolutely nothing today! Lounged in bed in the morning and watched Ellen. Wonder if she's a natural blonde.
Loving all the free time. Did absolutely nothing today! Lounged in bed in the morning and watched Ellen. Wonder if she's a natural blonde.
Think the guys had a game on today. Might call Kule to see how it went.
Signed up for some baking classes. Imagine if the physio knew!
Full postIndia win big on awards night
So India didn't win anything at the ICC Awards? Think again
Alan Tyers
18-Sep-2011
Quite sensibly, India's beleaguered cricket team didn't bother to attend the ICC Awards, thus continuing their almost unblemished record of not turning up on their tour of England. The reason? They were conducting their own private awards ceremony behind closed doors. And the winners are…
Portliest Player
One of the blue-riband categories, and a hotly contested one. Was scooped by Virender Sehwag, who won a sausage roll (later stolen by RP Singh).
One of the blue-riband categories, and a hotly contested one. Was scooped by Virender Sehwag, who won a sausage roll (later stolen by RP Singh).
Busiest Backroom Figure
Joint award to the physiotherapy and catering units.
Full postJoint award to the physiotherapy and catering units.
Players unhappy with use of pink balls
Cricketers are coming to grips with the fact that their game may just have gotten girlier than it already was
R Rajkumar
15-Sep-2011
Cricketers reacted with disbelief, outrage and fear as realisation set in that the proposed use of pink balls in first-class games - with an eye to eventually introducing them in Test matches - will, in fact, not be tied to any charitable cause whatsoever.
"You mean we might all be soon using pink balls for no other reason than that they're pink?" asked an incredulous Stuart Broad. "But, but, I'm The Enforcer," he sputtered. "For god's sake, you can't have me shining a pink ball against my…" he tailed off, struggling to suppress a shudder. "What are the girls going to think? Did anyone think about that? Not enough people at the ECB, in my opinion, care about what the girls are going to think."
Meanwhile cricketers in Australia were similarly sobering up to the fact that the celebrated "red cherry" might well be replaced with what supporters of the new colour have already affectionately dubbed the "pink pansy".
Full postIndia are going to win. Always
If you support the team formerly known as No. 1, your best bet is to become an irrational optimist
Sidin Vadukut
13-Sep-2011
Allow me to be a little self-centred for a moment. Earlier this year, when India were still labouring their way through the early stages of the World Cup, most of my friends on social networks - I don't meet real people anymore. They speak without word limits and usually don't wait for you to finish - were astonished by my optimism.
I was not just expecting India to win all the time. I was not just expecting India to win comfortably every time. I was expecting India to win by hundreds of runs and dozens of wickets, with their players scoring bucketfuls of hat-tricks and centuries in the process.
"Expecting imminent collapse..." was my favourite status update when the opposition came to bat. Later, when Dhoni walloped Sri Lanka into the stands, my optimism seemed spectacularly justified.
Full postButt's clairvoyance and other stories
Pies eaten and chucked, deep psychic powers, and the inadequacy of KP
Andrew Simoes
12-Sep-2011
Highly disputed Test No. 3 India have been found guilty of repeatedly chucking pies at English players this summer. In a severe reaction, England team director Andy Flower summoned experienced pie-eater Samit Patel to deal with the Indians. "Sammy will teach them a lesson," said Flower, a morbid grin spreading across his face. "He is training like never before."
A peek into the English dressing room before the first-ever 23-23 match revealed Samit Patel wolfing down treacle tarts by the dozen while Alastair Cook nodded in approval. Also, a moody-looking Jonathan Trott practising his pitch gardening a little too animatedly, miffed about being replaced by Patel. In the match, though, Patel, discontented at merely eating pies, was found throwing them unsuccessfully at Rahul Dravid and Ajinkya Rahane. More practice required on that score, clearly.
Meanwhile, in sharp contrast to the earthy reaction of the BCCI to Nasser Hussain's donkey jibe (banning him from the prestigious Neo Sports commentary box), the PCB chose the mysterious-press-release path: "It is rather unfortunate that the advertising company became insensitive to the feelings of the Pakistani nation while airing their ad, which is not only unethical but also disrespectful." Close examination of the statement reveals the problem to be not the advertisement in question but the unethical and disrespectful insensitivity in the minds of the Moa Brewing Company while the ad was on air. It would require psychic powers of some magnitude to discover insensitivity in a man across a few oceans, but Ijaz Butt has exhibited this talent in the past, most notably when he discovered the involvement of English players in the match-fixing scandal last year. The ICC may want to look into this unfair advantage that Pakistan cricket has on account of its chairman, which was undoubtedly a factor in the whitewashing of Zimbabwe, a side unbeaten in Tests for the last five years.
Full postAngry cricketers
The much-loved mobile app now has a cricket version
Deepak Gopalakrishnan
11-Sep-2011
On the back of the political drama surrounding Indian activist Anna Hazare's anti-corruption fast came the latest internet phenomenon, Angry Anna, styled on the lines of the runaway hit mobile game Angry Birds. We think that this could be extended to cricket as well.
Angry Pigeons: We start off with a bird of prey, good ol' Glenn McGrath. In order to win this level, Glenn has to hit the same spot on the enclosure holding his nemesis 35 times before Athers gets frustrated and tries to jump out of the enclosure, hence killing himself (and putting himself out of his misery, really). After this level, Glenn has to try the same thing with Lara, Adams and so on.
Cricket descends to new depths
We listen in on a deal to send a certain cricket deity downstairs
Samantha Pendergrast
08-Sep-2011
Cricket's no longer the divine game it used to be, and we know that because information about a clandestine meeting between two heavyweights of this universe to discuss its future was revealed to us
God: Morning, bad boy, another warm day down there, what?
Devil: Your almighty sense of humour never ceases to amaze me.
Full postFormer T20 greats slam India
Blame preoccupation with longer formats for decline. Also, the Federer of Test cricket revealed
Anand Ramachandran
06-Sep-2011
Former Indian Twenty20 greats have blamed excessive importance given to Tests and ODIs for India's decline in the format, criticising veterans Sachin Tendulkar, Rahul Dravid and VVS Laxman for ignoring T20 commitments in order to prolong their Test careers.
"The loss to England in the recent T20 international is a sign of our decline from being world champions to also-rans," said Joginder Sharma, delighted to be asked his opinion on anything at all. "Veterans are concentrating on meaningless Tests and one-dayers, and are not giving due importance to T20, the format most beloved to our players. It's disgusting.
"There's simply too much Test cricket being played, and it's affecting our T20 performance. Look at the recent series - Zaheer Khan, Virender Sehwag, Harbhajan Singh and Gautam Gambhir all picked up injuries playing Tests, and our T20 team suffered as a result," said Sharma. "Now these players may not be fit for the upcoming Champions League.
Full postWelcome to the 3000th Test
Test cricket moved into the 2000s this summer. What will the game be like in a few hundred matches time?
Alan Tyers
02-Sep-2011
3000th Test: Match Report from the year 2061
The much-anticipated 3000th Test ended in farce today. The ICC had hoped the showpiece match would be contested between the USA and China, but despite pleading, guarantees of a huge slice of TV rights (China), and promises of free soda and Chinese government bonds (America), both countries declared themselves "not remotely interested in cricket. Like we keep telling you" and went to play basketball with the West Indies instead.
The much-anticipated 3000th Test ended in farce today. The ICC had hoped the showpiece match would be contested between the USA and China, but despite pleading, guarantees of a huge slice of TV rights (China), and promises of free soda and Chinese government bonds (America), both countries declared themselves "not remotely interested in cricket. Like we keep telling you" and went to play basketball with the West Indies instead.
Instead, England once again stepped into the breach. The Test stalwarts have contested 975 of the last 1000 matches played in the game's longest format, and arrived in Qatar on the red-eye flight the day after the conclusion of their seven-month home Test series against Patagonia.
"Some of those Patagonians found the New Year's Day conditions on the Isle of Harris pretty challenging," said England's boyish skipper Alastair Cook. "But in the end it was a good workout for us, and who knows, if Patagonia's top players hadn't been off competing in IPL 808, it could have been even closer."
Full post