The Heavy Ball
Why the Indians won't play in the SLPL
We got our hands on a letter that reveals all
Andrew Fernando
07-Aug-2011
In June the BCCI cited concerns over player contracts as the reason for withholding their support for the Sri Lanka Premier League. Sri Lanka Cricket promptly informed the BCCI that their concerns were unfounded and that all the paperwork was in order. The BCCI then responded by sending a letter outlining the real reasons they wouldn't back the tournament. Our sources have leaked this letter to us. Here it is in its entirety.
Dear Sri Lanka Cricket,
Let's just cut the bullshit. We kicked up a public fuss about player contracts, but we both know that wasn't the real reason we refused to allow our players to play in the Sri Lankan Premier League. The thing is, we would be too embarrassed to be associated with your half-assed imitation of our tournament. Below are just a few reasons why it sucks.
Full postEngland decide to get more Australian
The team's think tank has realised they have slipped in not imitating the old enemy, and planned to make amends
Alex Bowden
05-Aug-2011
Andy Flower and Andrew Strauss sit at a table with a third man who we do not recognise
Flower: All this talk of series victories and being on the verge of becoming world No. 1 - it worries me. We're getting ahead of ourselves. We've taken our eyes off the ball.
Strauss: You mean like Suresh Raina with short-pitched bowling?
Full postHarbhajan sues Broad for plagiarising dodgy hat-trick
And the world's first "right-arm excessive appeals" bowler
Anand Ramachandran
02-Aug-2011
Ever vigilant in looking for ways to improve cricket and save it from a fate worse than Prashant Vaidya's run-up, the ICC has come up with another proposal that they're hoping will bring audiences rushing back to the gentleman's game.
"After mucking about by eliminating runners, introducing multiple new balls and endlessly tweaking those useless Powerplay rules, we believe that we've come up with a killer idea - all-new batsman and bowler descriptions to spice up the game," said former West Indies great and chairman of the ICC cricket committee, Clive Lloyd.
"Until now, we've only called bowlers 'left-arm medium fast' or 'right-arm offbreak' and so on," he continued. "While this does convey some information about the bowler, we felt that there's room for improvement - so we're introducing more detailed descriptions. For instance, from now on Harbhajan Singh will be referred to as 'right-arm surviving on past achievements', Sreesanth as 'right-arm, so unpredictable he's practically schizophrenic' and Stuart Broad as 'right-arm excessive appealing'. It will bring an added dimension to cricket.
Full postDhoni to overturn other results
Indian captain set to replace DRS and Hawk-Eye, and to adjudicate on other series outcomes
Ant Sims
01-Aug-2011
It has been revealed that MS Dhoni will overturn the World Cup final result, following his decision to overturn the appeal that saw Ian Bell run out in a somewhat controversial manner at Trent Bridge.
According to reports, Kumar Sangakkara, who was watching the match from his hotel room in Australia, thought it would be a good time to take advantage of the spirit of cricket and use Dhoni's good-heartedness to his advantage.
"Obviously we wanted to win the World Cup, but that didn't work out so well, so we thought we'd ask Dhoni if he would consider overturning the result of the World Cup," said Sangakkara. "He seems like a really generous bloke and he did let us redo the toss, so maybe he will let us win the World Cup. It's all in the spirit of the game, after all."
Full postSo all's well with Test cricket then
It isn't actually, as this heart-rending interview shows
R Rajkumar
28-Jul-2011
Contrary to expectations, Test Cricket is reported to be severely depressed after last week's celebrations, and according to the proverbial Old Man and his Dog invariably found attending the majority of Tests for which no one bothers to show, the traditional form of the game has even taken to drink.
"It all just finally got to the old bastard," said the Old Man. "He put up a brave face this last week, but it was a false front. Like my teeth."
"Everyone knows I'm not the belle of the ball anymore, but you know what? Pretending that I am for a while only makes it worse," Test Cricket is reported to have snapped, before stifling a sob and running down to the corner shop to take home a 24-pack of Stella.
Full post'Dad, can't you make them sack Billy?'
We got a confusing set of phone conversations when we went the News of the World way
Samantha Pendergrast
26-Jul-2011
The phone-hacking controversy hit us hard. Why hadn't we thought of listening in on phone conversations before? Why wasn't the ICC using it to control corruption in the game? And does anyone believe Steve Waugh can't beat a lie-detector? Hacking seemed pretty simple, so we gave it a shot. Only, we got a bit carried away and hacked so many phones that the transcripts got all jumbled up, so we don't know who's talking to whom here.
Person 1: Cheeka, what will be our exit strategy... let's not use names, you never know who's listening... for "the only Indians no one hates"?
Person 2: Exit strategy, sir? I thought you said you'll extend my contract?
Full postDon't worry, Fletcher's got a plan
It's a good thing India have a coach who knows England's weaknesses
Alan Tyers
25-Jul-2011
Right guys, gather round… everybody stop clapping Tendulkar. He's only poured himself a cup of tea. Yes, he has done it beautifully. But still. No need to get carried away. Why not look at Dravid there? Look at how he's put the milk in first. Absolutely textbook. Okay, fine. Never mind about him. Let's all just watch Sachin.
It has not been a great first few days. I blame myself. Actually I mainly blame the media. The jackals. But also myself.
Have we prepared thoroughly enough? Well, Laxman got to the match on time, he has all his kit, he walked out to bat when we told him. That is not insignificant. In an ideal world, maybe he would have played some cricket before the first Test, but what can you do? We are not in an ideal world. Even worse, we are in England.
Full postFrank Higginbotham's 100th Test
Lots of milestones at Lord's. Spare a thought for this little-known one
Alex Bowden
24-Jul-2011
I seem to be hearing a lot about landmarks this week. It's the 2000th Test match and Tendulkar could hit his 100th international hundred. Then, this morning, I find out that it's Duncan Fletcher's 100th Test match as a coach. Well, what about me? It's a big match for me too.
Is Frank Higginbotham's 100th Test match as a bacon butty and hot beverage vendor not worthy of celebration? For 20 years I've been up and down the motorways of this fair isle, driving to almost all of England's Test venues with my catering trailer so that cricket fans may nourish themselves on cured pork and white bread sold at slightly inflated prices.
I've seen some things in my time, I can tell you. I was there at Old Trafford for Tendulkar's first Test hundred and I've seen them all since then - curry vans, jerk chicken stands, nacho wagons - they've all come and gone. But I'm still standing.
Full postWhy India played for a draw in Dominica
World-beaters? Us? Could you take the beating part out, it's so violent
R Rajkumar
19-Jul-2011
Much hand-wringing, tongue-clucking, and assorted outmoded ways of showing displeasure have come to pass in the fortnight or so since MS Dhoni and company so gracefully and thoughtfully pirouetted to show their backs to what, if the newspapers are to be believed, was a surefire victory in the third Test against West Indies.
Speaking of newspapers, even Rupert Murdoch is reported to have found time to be offended, and be seen tut-tutting about it all in fine style. What sort of behaviour is this, we demand to know, from a World No. 1? Especially from one aspiring to be a World No. 1 with (prominently seamed) balls?
For those in the know, however, to ask such questions is to miss the point entirely. An Australia- or West Indies-of-yore style ruthlessness on the field of play, where as much quarter was given as prisoners taken, is simply not what the current world champions aspire to. Those legendary teams had their own proven method of world domination and India have their own. It's just more elegant, that's all. If Steve Waugh employed the as-legendary-as-it-was-unimaginatively-titled tactic of "mental disintegration", and a Malcolm Marshall kept rudely waking you into smelling the perfume ball, well, MS Dhoni would like to kill you as well, but with kindness.
Full postMohammad Amir in breach of ban again
Pakistan seamer in trouble for appearing in hallway cricket game
Andrew Fernando
18-Jul-2011
The ICC is investigating claims that Pakistan seamer Mohammad Amir breached his ban by playing in a hallway cricket game at a family gathering in his hometown of Changa Bangyaal. Amir took 22 wickets and made the game's top score of 9, leading his side to an overwhelming victory against the opposition, who mainly comprised overweight men above 45 trying to teach their daughters how to play.
"We are investigating and awaiting a reply," said ICC official Gareth Harris. "Amir's ban is absolute. He can't play for a national team, regional side, club, or for friends and family. He can't play any cricket-themed computer games, no book cricket with classmates, he can't even think about cricket. In fact, if he happens to find a cricket on his clothes while camping, he just has to ignore it or else he is defying our ban."
Harris said the reported hallway cricket incident, if found to be true, falls well inside the ban's reach - from which there is little escape.
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