The Heavy Ball
Uncapped Pakistan youngster announces Test comeback
And Suresh Raina admits he doesn't know who his team is playing against
Anand Ramachandran
17-Jun-2011
A young Pakistani cricketer named Mohammed Waris, who has yet to play an international game, has announced that he will be returning to the national Test side for the upcoming series against Sri Lanka.
Speaking to the press, Waris confirmed news of his comeback, saying his decision was influenced by public demand as well as personal requests from the president of Pakistan, former players, and someone named Azeez.
"It is true that I had decided never to represent my country again in Tests - a decision made easier by the fact that I was never picked, nor was I anywhere in the selectors' future plans. But if my country needs me, then I am always available," he said, before adding, "If selected, I will be proud to be the first international cricketer to make his debut in his comeback Test."
Full postTest cricket haters, come here to be slapped
Twenty20 is a ridiculous diversion. The five-day game is the real thing, and any articles that say otherwise are rubbish
Sidin Vadukut
13-Jun-2011
On the 31st of March I was shocked to read a bizarre Page 2 article titled "Shut it, Test cricket fans". As a Page 2 contributor myself, I am not personally averse to the occasional digs at the formats, tournaments, advertisers, administrators, Manjrekars and the players that make and keep this game great.
After all, loving a sport does not mean we can't enjoy the occasional harmless joke. Otherwise what is the difference between a cricket fan and an extreme terrorist who responds to any levity with pipe bombs containing ball bearings? For instance, this is a pleasant cricket joke that I think all fans can enjoy without feeling offended or outraged:
Q: Why did the poor fielder shave his track bottoms and deposit the fluff in a Swiss bank?
A: Because he has always wanted safe hair of pants!
Full postA: Because he has always wanted safe hair of pants!
What didn't break the window at Lord's
Leaked: the contents of the meeting called to draft the official England board statement on Glovegate
Daniel Norcross
12-Jun-2011
The cricket world was rocked to its foundations on the last day of the second Test between England and Sri Lanka at Lord's. Following the breaking of a dressing-room window by Matt Prior, the ECB accidentally came clean and revealed the mundane circumstances behind the incident in a startling contravention of their own Charter For Treating The Fans Like Credulous Morons. Thanks to an anonymous source who sent me the taped transcript of the ECB's Media Damage Escalation Committee (MDEC), I can exclusively reveal the contents of the intended official explanation which until now have never seen the light of day.
Kim Jungle: (out of breath) Hello all, I'm Kim Jungle, Head of Contempt For Public Relations. First off I'd like to welcome you to this Extraordinary Meeting of the MDEC and ask you to introduce yourselves. Starting with you and going round the table in the usual sinister fashion.
Paul Pott: I'm Paul Pott, Director of Fabrications & Propaganda.
Full postThe IPL is over. Do you know where your off stump is?
Top players misplace vital item of cricket furniture during Twenty20 league
R Rajkumar
02-Jun-2011
With the IPL finally over, batsmen settling down in earnest to preparing for a new season of Test cricket have been complaining of a strange and troubling new phenomenon: their off stumps seem to have gone AWOL.
"What am I going to do now?" said a rather contrite-looking Jacques Kallis as he pondered facing an entire day's worth of line and length. "Like most batsmen, I hadn't paid any attention to where my off stump was during the IPL. In fact, I never even gave it a second glance. But I didn't expect to lose sight of it entirely."
Other cricketers have also complained of missing sticks.
Full postShut it, Test cricket fans
You elitist bigots with your superior attitudes, you think you're too good for the IPL, don't you?
Sidin Vadukut
31-May-2011
Chauvinistic, elitist, snobbish, upper-class, income-tax-evading, black-money-hoarding, tax-haven-using, anti-social, imperialist, capitalist, post-modern Test cricket fans have always been dismissive of Twenty20 cricket and the millions of knowledgeable, sophisticated fans - including your truly - that the Twenty20 format has.
Look at what happened throughout the most extraordinary fourth season of the Indian Premier League in 2011. Every moment of every day these so-called "Text cricket aficionados" would constantly try to point out faults and shortcomings with the IPL format. Constantly they tried to undermine the cricket, the administrators, the cheerleaders, the bookmakers and - most arrogantly of all - the fans. The moment some small thing went wrong somewhere, these "defenders of the pure and true cricket" would jump up and down and scream and blog and tweet and make fun of us.
For instance, when the BCCI told that cheerleader that she should focus on cheerleading and not on writing blatant lies about cricketers, suddenly these fellows got upset. They said that the BCCI was acting in a petty and immature fashion. They said that it was unfair to target the cheerleader because she wrote a few things on her blog that everyone knew but no one talked about.
Full postDid someone say club v country?
Who has it easier - an international captain or the bloke who's been handed the reins of the local club? Here's a scientific analysis on various parameters
Steve Coleman
29-May-2011
Team selection
International A selection committee will traipse the country to find a player who has got "something". Like with a cult handshake, if you have to ask what "something" means, then you don't need to know. Pore over a laptop and statistical analysis forms to pick a squad relative to conditions, opposition weaknesses and form, then "liaise" on the morning of the game to select a final team.
Club Pick the best 11 players available. Write this team down, sit back and take a moment to enjoy what you have done. This will not be your team on Saturday. Spend the rest of the week finding replacements as weddings, dubious-sounding injuries and ill-advised Friday nights out decimate your team. Take to the field with nine bowlers, no batsmen, four Under-15s and an over-60.
Full post'Could you open your eyes wider, Suraj?'
Sri Lanka are in England and they have got their bowling attack planned. Just one little snag...
Alex Bowden
27-May-2011
Dilshan: Okay, let's start with the openers. Any ideas?
Sangakkara: Well, we could get Murali on early and… oh.
Dilshan: "Oh" indeed. We've no Murali. We need some different plans.
Full postHow to talk about cricket without knowing anything
It is a problem even the stars are not immune to. Help is at hand, though
Sidin Vadukut
24-May-2011
Earlier this week I received a letter from a frequent reader of my ESPNcricinfo columns. This fortnight I would like to use this space to respond. As you will see from the transcript of her letter below, the concerns raised by this reader are universal:
Dear Sidin Vadukut,
Would it be an exaggeration to say that I am your biggest fan? I think not. I have been reading your Page 2 columns ardently for months. I love them very much indeed, and if I could I would have adopted you a long time ago. (Or can I still? Tee hee.)
Full postThe brillsomeness of Chris Gayle
Runs, records and Statsguru crave him
Anand Ramachandran
20-May-2011
I wanted to write about something else - perhaps the delightful fact that Jacob Martin will now lend his cover-driving skills to the Tihar Jail cricket team, or that charming exchange of pleasantries between SK Warne and that Dixit fellow - but this column ended up being about Chris Gayle. Why? Because Chris Gayle is unstoppable.
Chris Gayle is so tremendously magnificent, we need to make up new words to describe his awesomeness. Chris Gayle's strike rate is frobifistic. Chris Gayle generated so much power, the ball practically jaddets to the fence. When opponents see Chris Gayle walking out to bat, they simply give up and roddle. Chris Gayle is so KVLT, even Ant Sims can't help kumnubulating about him.
Chris Gayle scores runs so fast, he breaks the laws of nature. He once scored a hundred when the team total was only 64. He scored 77 off 18 deliveries in the match between the Kolkata Knight Riders and the Pune Warriors - and he didn't even play in the game. It's like that whole Einstein-Rosen bridge concept, which explains how travelling faster than light could send you gambolling cheerfully through timespace, into the past and the future. Chris Gayle's runs are scored at such tremendous velocity that they are crossing multiple Einstein-Rosen bridges every day and turning up in unexpected places, such as in innings played by Shane Watson against Bangladesh. Going forward, the ICC must make provisions in the rules to include runs scored by Chris Gayle in every match played. Regardless of who is playing in them. ESPNcricinfo should have a separate Statsguru just for Chris Gayle.
Full postCaptaincy for dummies
What to do if you're at the helm of an international cricket team
Nishant Joshi
17-May-2011
There is only one universal rule to captaining a cricket team: you must instill fear in your players. Do this by making an example of a younger player, preferably by shouting at him for failing to bring you your beer/lassi/tea at the correct temperature. Make sure to violently spit out the beverage for extra effect.
Top Tip: If your team is aging, try using a player who might well up relatively easily, e.g. Mitchell Johnson, Sreesanth.
However, every country has its nuances, and so some personalised advice for the captain of each cricketing nation:
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