The Heavy Ball

Even phrases aren't safe with the Pakistan Cricket Board. "If you can't beat 'em, join 'em" has been inverted, as the Pakistanis now plan to host their own version of the IPL.

A number of names are being considered. The frontrunner appears to be the Non-Indian Premier League, or NIPL, which is followed by the catchy tagline "Suck on That".

Location is proving more of a twister. The Pakistanis can't play at home because it's too dangerous. Thus the no-man's-land-but-cash-rules city of Dubai is the likely site for the tournament. However, according to some dude on Facebook called Zulqarnain Haider, even Dubai is too dangerous. But my mom told me not to believe everything on Facebook.

Investigators in Mumbai are believed to have chanced upon a young man whose favourite cricketer of all time is not Sachin Tendulkar.

The 13-year-old, whose name has not been released, to protect him and his family, is alleged to have said that while he quite liked Tendulkar, his all-time favourite player was probably Vivian Richards. "It keeps changing," he said.

While it is too early to speculate on the reasons for the boy's aberrant behavior, theories have been put forth that his parents are partly to blame, beginning with their failure to name their son Sachin, though he was born in 1998, the year Tendulkar was at the peak of his powers.

The Haven
In the human body, fat has a tendency to settle around the waist. In the IPL, around the west. (Har har.) For proof, look no farther than Pune, where the league's most imposing agglomeration of pudgy boys is to be found. Count them: Jesse Ryder, Graeme Smith, Yuvraj Singh, and former fatty, the still chunky Robin Uthappa. The plot thickens.

The Heavy Metal
Who's the Chris Gayle of top-level umpiring? That blingy blighter Asad Rauf, that's who. In the Kings XI v Chennai game, we watched fascinated as Praveen Kumar ran in and took wickets with each of his first two deliveries, seemingly not weighed down by his neckwear: a substantial gold chain of the sort you'd use to tether your pet cheetah to a hydrant with, if you were a rapper out on the town, stepping into the nearest Hermes store, as you do.

Then, disillusioned by the early success, PK took the necklace off and gave it to Mr Rauf for safekeeping. And proceeded to not take any wickets in the rest of the match.

Shortly after Kochi's cakewalk win over the Mumbai Indians a few days ago, I rang my father, who lives in Kerala. We shared some pleasant positive thoughts about the team. We discussed, among other things, the clever move to rest Sreesanth so that he is fully fit for the semi-final and final stages of the IPL.

Eventually we got to talking about good old Premraj and Kapadia.

Shah Rukh Khan's seemingly innocent, though cheesy, gesture of dedicating KKR's victory over the Deccan Chargers last week to former skipper Sourav Ganguly, who was earlier ignored by KKR during the auctions, has led to a rush of similarly bizarre and meaningless dedications being made by players, team owners and officials

Ganguly himself started things off when, on waking up this morning with a nagging toothache, he dedicated it to Khan.

"I experienced a throbbing sensation in my jaw. It was extremely annoying, painful and made me wince. So I have decided to dedicate my toothache to the one other entity that makes me feel exactly the same - Shah Rukh Khan," said Ganguly, holding his jaw and grimacing in pain. "However, unlike Shah Rukh, the toothache will be gone in a few days. If only there were painkillers that could get rid of gratuitously irritating, cloyingly cheerful team owners, eh? mused the former India captain.

The IPL

Age: 4 (but I've developed real quick)
Sex: Not much since the after-parties stopped
Location: India, South Africa and a few undisclosed tax-free locations
Profile: While I don't quite put the fun in profundity, I do bring the action in satisfaction for all those who take a chance on me. I'm hotter than the Kardashian sisters rolled into one, easier than Rebecca Black's lyrics, and as insistent on long-term commitment as Gadaffi is on democracy. Some people think my attitude is as revolting as a butt-jiggling contest but I say to them that if it's Beyonce who's doing the jiggling, it's not so bad, is it?
Hobbies: Attending auctions. Participating in hyperbole contests. Retail therapy.
Turn-ons: People richer than me. Ravi Shastri.
Turn-offs: Anti-trust laws.
Looking for: Cricket virgins. If you've always been curious about the game but been too afraid to ask, I'm the one for you. I'll take you on the ride of your life. It'll be a short one and you may not remember it after we're done but it'll be sweet while it lasts.
Ideal first date: A cheerleading class.
Favourite drink: Tequila shot.
Catchphrase: Wham, bam, thank you ma'am

World Cup

Age: 10 (but I look older).
Sex: Once every four years.
Location: Currently India. But even if I move out my heart will always remain there.
Profile: Let's be brutally honest, ladies. I'm the only one who matters. If I'm around, there's nothing else to look at. Even Shahrukh Khan won't release a movie while I hold court. Rajnikanth came to see me. Only a privileged few get to have me. Tendulkar waited 20 years. People say I'm partial to Australians but that's true only because they do their damndest to please me. Having me is a life-changing experience.
Turn-ons: Trips to the subcontinent. Exclusive clubs.
Turn-offs: Minnows. Caribbean vacations.
Ideal first date: A Sonu Nigam concert.
Favourite drink: Champagne.
Looking for: Someone who can help me get trim but without costing me any money.
Catchphrase: The cup that counts. Up to 10.

Test Championship

Age: Yet to be born.
Sex: The sort that doesn't look exciting but is truly satisfying in the end.
Location: England. But I'm open to moving.
Profile: No one knows it yet but once I come into the picture, the world will be a better place. I might appear confusing at first but at least I'm not designed with the idea of favouring India (like some people). And with me you're guaranteed a proper lunch and tea.
Turn-ons: White clothes, freshly cut grass, red balls.
Turn-offs: Tiny attention spans. People who ask, "When is it going to finish?"
Ideal first date: A walk in Regent's Park.
Favourite drink: Pimm's
Looking for: A deep, meaningful, long-lasting relationship.
Catchphrase: White is right.

I'd taken a day off work to queue for this ticket. Lancashire v Yorkshire in the County Championship, day three - they don't come much bigger than that. The War of the Roses.

One way or another, almost every page of this morning's newspapers was given over to the County Championship. The back pages were all about this match. The front pages were devoted to the ongoing negotiations surrounding the next TV deal. In between, the gossip pages only had one focus - cricketers.

Kent's captain and star batsman, Rob Key, had been spotted with Beyoncé the night before and the tabloids were trying to make out that there was something going on between them. It wasn't the strongest story. It was clear to everyone with half a brain that the pop singer was merely basking in the reflected glory of one of the world's biggest stars.

Following a slew of international post-World Cup retirements, a Napier man has decided to call it quits on a glittering backyard cricket career.

Forty-eight-year-old Dennis Lowry claimed he had just lost the zeal for the game that made him one of the town's most fierce competitors, but also that his backyard had been turned into a mud pit after his kids played rugby on it on Saturday, making him not feel like playing cricket anymore.

"I just think the timing is right," Lowry said to his family, who were mostly busy ignoring him. "The mind wants to go on, but the body just won't cooperate.

India and Chennai Super Kings captain MS Dhoni has expressed his delight at carrying his winning ways into the IPL after the successful World Cup campaign.

"It all started with the semi-final win against Pakistan, which, for us, was the final before the final. Of course, we went on to win the next game, against Sri Lanka, which really was the final after the final before the final. Thankfully there was no final after the final, eh? Might have been one too many - confusing for the punsters," he grinned, starting his press conference off on a cheery note.

Dhoni denied that there was any loss of intensity for the IPL after an emotionally draining World Cup victory, and insisted the players were taking it very seriously. "For us, the World Cup was the IPL before the IPL. So there's no question of taking the IPL lightly. Besides, our team boss is N Srinivasan, who is the Lalit Modi after Lalit Modi. He keeps us on our toes. Like a Boss. Gives team talks. Like A Boss. Hands out paychecks. Like A Boss. Cements our relationships. Like A Boss," he added, succumbing to that mysterious rap epidemic once again.