Fake Malinga, fake Shastri, and the shoes from hell
Also, the most golden umpire in the world. All in our look back at the first two weeks of the IPL
S Aga
22-Apr-2011
The IPL opening ceremony: proof that people impaled on stilts can improve the tone of any occasion • AFP
The Haven
In the human body, fat has a tendency to settle around the waist. In the IPL, around the west. (Har har.) For proof, look no farther than Pune, where the league's most imposing agglomeration of pudgy boys is to be found. Count them: Jesse Ryder, Graeme Smith, Yuvraj Singh, and former fatty, the still chunky Robin Uthappa. The plot thickens.
In the human body, fat has a tendency to settle around the waist. In the IPL, around the west. (Har har.) For proof, look no farther than Pune, where the league's most imposing agglomeration of pudgy boys is to be found. Count them: Jesse Ryder, Graeme Smith, Yuvraj Singh, and former fatty, the still chunky Robin Uthappa. The plot thickens.
The Heavy Metal
Who's the Chris Gayle of top-level umpiring? That blingy blighter Asad Rauf, that's who. In the Kings XI v Chennai game, we watched fascinated as Praveen Kumar ran in and took wickets with each of his first two deliveries, seemingly not weighed down by his neckwear: a substantial gold chain of the sort you'd use to tether your pet cheetah to a hydrant with, if you were a rapper out on the town, stepping into the nearest Hermes store, as you do.
Who's the Chris Gayle of top-level umpiring? That blingy blighter Asad Rauf, that's who. In the Kings XI v Chennai game, we watched fascinated as Praveen Kumar ran in and took wickets with each of his first two deliveries, seemingly not weighed down by his neckwear: a substantial gold chain of the sort you'd use to tether your pet cheetah to a hydrant with, if you were a rapper out on the town, stepping into the nearest Hermes store, as you do.
Then, disillusioned by the early success, PK took the necklace off and gave it to Mr Rauf for safekeeping. And proceeded to not take any wickets in the rest of the match.
Plagued by a feeling of déjà vu at the transaction, we racked our memories for the last such instance and found it: Sri Lanka v India in Dambulla last year, when too Mr Kumar, similarly adorned, took a wicket with his first ball. Before handing his golden burden over to… Mr Rauf, no less! Put that in your bejewelled pipes and smoke it, coincidence fans.
That was not the last brush our Asad has had with gold this season. A few days on, we saw him helping Irfan Pathan help disengage his (much-less impressive) necklace from his helmet grille. Whereupon Pathan, clearly overcome, promptly got out next ball.
The Plain Wrongness
Virender Sehwag in shirts without long sleeves. Does nobody else find this strange and reprehensible?
Virender Sehwag in shirts without long sleeves. Does nobody else find this strange and reprehensible?
The Innovation
The structure formerly known as the dugout is now officially called the Pod. This way it makes sense for the presenters who get sent down to do Q&As with whatever hapless victims they find there to inform us that what they're bringing us is a "podcast". Neat!
The structure formerly known as the dugout is now officially called the Pod. This way it makes sense for the presenters who get sent down to do Q&As with whatever hapless victims they find there to inform us that what they're bringing us is a "podcast". Neat!
Next up: referring to the people in the dugouts as peas.
While we're on the subject, team owners are not allowed in the dugouts, since that would be wrong in the new, improved IPL, where rules are sacred. Yes, so the team owners sit on very large couches next to the dugouts, making the arduous three-metre trek across every now and then.
The Opening Ceremony
This one really had it all. Women on stilts, tilting dangerously this way and that! An MC who made Ravi Shastri look good! A fat man with a jiggly belly and a shiny black shirt, and sunglasses. At night! A fat woman in a sequinned top (wondering how much damage this appearance was doing to her career)! An alleged pop star singing, "I've paid my dues, I've done my time"! (No, you haven't brother, not until you've watched this "show".) Nazi firemen dancing! Quasi-naked women! Baggy pants! Magic tricks! Really bad lip-syncing! And they still managed to save Rs 100 crore. Magical.
This one really had it all. Women on stilts, tilting dangerously this way and that! An MC who made Ravi Shastri look good! A fat man with a jiggly belly and a shiny black shirt, and sunglasses. At night! A fat woman in a sequinned top (wondering how much damage this appearance was doing to her career)! An alleged pop star singing, "I've paid my dues, I've done my time"! (No, you haven't brother, not until you've watched this "show".) Nazi firemen dancing! Quasi-naked women! Baggy pants! Magic tricks! Really bad lip-syncing! And they still managed to save Rs 100 crore. Magical.
The New New Thing
Alas, this season there are no after-parties that you can pay money to get into and drink lots and vomit onto your seventh-favourite cricketer's loafers. Worse still, there is no blimp in the sky you can gaze at in rapt adoration because it's, like, a marvel of technology and stuff.
Alas, this season there are no after-parties that you can pay money to get into and drink lots and vomit onto your seventh-favourite cricketer's loafers. Worse still, there is no blimp in the sky you can gaze at in rapt adoration because it's, like, a marvel of technology and stuff.
There are compensations, though. There is a band in the studio, and some rejects from the cheerleader auditions shaking their thang. And one day Sanath Jayasuriya got up and shook his thang also. Never a dull moment in the world's most excellent league.
The Name Dropper
Why does Brad Hogg yell full-pelt all the time? Does he think this is IPL season one? This is a kinder, gentler age, Bradley. If you must scream, why not do it in a singsong, like Danny and Siva? And we get that as a man of advancing years you feel compelled to be a U2 fan. Only, please don't shovel gratuitous declarations of said fandom into every other line.
Why does Brad Hogg yell full-pelt all the time? Does he think this is IPL season one? This is a kinder, gentler age, Bradley. If you must scream, why not do it in a singsong, like Danny and Siva? And we get that as a man of advancing years you feel compelled to be a U2 fan. Only, please don't shovel gratuitous declarations of said fandom into every other line.
"El-eh-vation," Hogg roared as a ball headed to the stands in one game.
Stoked, he followed it up with something about someone still not having found what he was looking for. At which point Mark Boucher, his partner in the commentary box, helpfully pointed out Brad was a U2 fan.
Unrepentant, the Hoggster was at it many days later, warming the cockles of the wrinkliest hearts by shrieking that a ball had gone like a bullet into the blue sky.
The Colour
What's up with the orange-shoe epidemic, like? Also, memo to Mr Adam Gilchrist: wear pads with fluorescent green straps, gloves with splotches of blue, a red and shiny-white uniform, and orange shoes all at the same time again and you'll look like an explosion in a cassata factory, champion walker and bonafide good guy or not.
What's up with the orange-shoe epidemic, like? Also, memo to Mr Adam Gilchrist: wear pads with fluorescent green straps, gloves with splotches of blue, a red and shiny-white uniform, and orange shoes all at the same time again and you'll look like an explosion in a cassata factory, champion walker and bonafide good guy or not.
The Other Malinga
For all the kids out there who haven't been able to decipher Lasith Malinga's action because it's too fast, R Vinay Kumar has taken the trouble to create a slo-mo rendition. Kumar's cunning variation for the season involves pausing in his delivery stride and round-arming it in… wide outside off stump. Artful.
For all the kids out there who haven't been able to decipher Lasith Malinga's action because it's too fast, R Vinay Kumar has taken the trouble to create a slo-mo rendition. Kumar's cunning variation for the season involves pausing in his delivery stride and round-arming it in… wide outside off stump. Artful.
The Replacement
If you fear you may have to do without the refreshing, exfoliating tones of Ravi Shastri at some games, think again. Yes, there are two matches on many days, many hundreds of miles apart, and though Shaz can fly between venues like a tracer bullet if he chose to, he doesn't. Thank goodness, then, for Simon Doull, who stepped bravely into the breach, greeting viewers with a stentorian "Sat Sri Akal, Mohali" at yesterday's Punjab v Rajasthan game.
If you fear you may have to do without the refreshing, exfoliating tones of Ravi Shastri at some games, think again. Yes, there are two matches on many days, many hundreds of miles apart, and though Shaz can fly between venues like a tracer bullet if he chose to, he doesn't. Thank goodness, then, for Simon Doull, who stepped bravely into the breach, greeting viewers with a stentorian "Sat Sri Akal, Mohali" at yesterday's Punjab v Rajasthan game.