Did someone say club v country?

International A selection committee will traipse the country to find a player who has got "something". Like with a cult handshake, if you have to ask what "something" means, then you don't need to know. Pore over a laptop and statistical analysis forms to pick a squad relative to conditions, opposition weaknesses and form, then "liaise" on the morning of the game to select a final team.

Club Pick the best 11 players available. Write this team down, sit back and take a moment to enjoy what you have done. This will not be your team on Saturday. Spend the rest of the week finding replacements as weddings, dubious-sounding injuries and ill-advised Friday nights out decimate your team. Take to the field with nine bowlers, no batsmen, four Under-15s and an over-60.

International Digital analysis cameras and Hawk-Eye will help you define whether your left elbow is exactly perpendicular when leaving a wide delivery. Kit your spinner out in a lycra suit and some electric balls, then watch a video of him bowling to make sure his doosra is still legal. Use fielding equipment that was designed by NASA to finish.

Club It's time to flex your muscles. A position of authority gives you the opportunity to do as you please. Turn up at training half an hour late and kick someone out of the net so that you can have a hit. Back away to the leg side and try to thump it over cover as usual. Once you have finished, bowl a couple of filthy offspinners at the next batsman before retiring to the pavilion.

International The preparation has been done, now it is time to let the back-room staff take over. Get the 12th man to bring you a calorie-controlled breakfast. Drink lots of fluid with phenylalanine and electrolytes in - anything with that many vowels in must be good for you. Have a hit, and then take a stroll with the coach to decide what to do at the toss. Debate which roller you will use throughout the match, and try to work out exactly how you will get 20 wickets on this slab of concrete.

Club An army marches on its stomach, so a full English breakfast should suffice. Turn up an hour before the start and try to busy yourself so that you don't have to put the boundary flags out. Inspect the pitch by feeling it with the palm of your hand and perhaps bouncing a ball on it. Pretend you know what this means, then bat first like always. Note that the pitch has not been rolled (again) and is the same colour as the square.

International A solid 17-hour team meeting should help you sort this out. Does Sachin clip the ball off his pads slightly in front of or slightly behind square? Should fine leg be your fastest player when Kamran Akmal is keeping? All this can be worked out with a laptop, a complicated equation and a large pot of coffee.

Club Work out who the worst fielders are and hide them at square leg and third man. Station yourself at mid-off to talk/shout at the bowler, ensuring that the quickest members of the team are at mid-on and extra cover so that they can collect the inevitable half-volleys instead of you. Make sure these players can also be bullied into moving the sightscreen. Lose interest in changing the field as the innings wears on and the runs pile up.

International Complete press conferences and post-match interviews. Make a point of ignoring the tabloid journalist who photoshopped you with donkey ears last year. Use phrases such as "bowled in the right areas" and "he's an important member of the squad". Discuss various aspects of the match with the team analysts before winding down with a relaxing massage.

Club Avoid buying anyone a drink at all costs. Having sucked up to the umpires all day, you can now relax and bad-mouth them behind their back. Have a cursory glance through the scorecard, making a mental note of all the players you would like to drop. It won't matter, though - you're stuck with these no-hopers for at least another season.