Dilshan: Okay, let's start with the openers. Any ideas?

Sangakkara: Well, we could get Murali on early and… oh.

Dilshan: "Oh" indeed. We've no Murali. We need some different plans.

Jayawardene: I don't like it. I'm not happy.

Sangakkara: England have got two left-handers opening the batting. I think we could ask the quicks to go round the wicket to them. That might work.

Dilshan: Why? Do you think they'll struggle with the change of angle?

Sangakkara: Not so much that. It's just that going round the wicket will create more rough for later in the game.

Dilshan: For what?

Sangakkara: Well, for… oh.

Dilshan: We haven't got Murali. I can't emphasise this enough. We have to come up with plans that don't revolve around him.

Jayawardene: I really don't like it. I'm really not happy about this at all.

Dilshan: But the round-the-wicket idea isn't necessarily a bad one. We can try that. And we have still got an offspinner.

Sangakkara: We have?

Dilshan: Yes, we have - Randiv.

Sangakkara: Randiv?

Dilshan: Yes, Randiv. Suraj Randiv.

Sangakkara: It's not ringing a bell.

Dilshan: He's played for Sri Lanka about 30 times. Suraj Randiv.

Sangakkara: No. Nothing. I'm drawing a complete blank.

Dilshan: Tell you what, I'll get him in here. See if it jogs your memory.

Jayawardene: This isn't good. I'm not happy. Not happy at all.

Dilshan: Suraj. Suraj, get in here. We want a quick word.

Jayawardene: Not happy. Not happy. Not one bit.

Dilshan: Suraj, Kumar was just, er, wondering if you had any ideas about bowling to the England batsmen.

Randiv: Just keep it tight, you know. Good lines. Wait for mistakes.

Dilshan: Mahela, stop doing that. Stop looking at him like that. Stop staring. It's intimidating. Give the poor lad a chance.

Jayawardene: Who does he think he is?

Sangakkara: Hmm. I dunno. I'm just not sure whether this is really going to work. I mean he's not Murali, is he?

Randiv: No, I'm not Murali. If I can do half the things he did, I'll be proud of myself. I'm sure I can do a good job for Sri Lanka, though.

Sangakkara: Could you, er… Could you maybe open your eyes a bit wider, Suraj?

Randiv: Sorry?

Sangakkara: Just, you know, open your eyes as wide as they'll go. Good and wide.

Randiv: What, like this…?

Sangakkara: Yeah, that's kind of it. That's kind of a start.

Dilshan: See? It's not so bad. We can cope without Murali.

Jayawardene: Don't say that. Take that back right now.

Dilshan: No, it's fine. It's not ideal, but we've got Suraj. This can work.

Sangakkara: I'm still not really feeling it.

Dilshan: No?

Sangakkara: No.

Dilshan: How about if he bent his wrists a bit further? Would that help?

Sangakkara: Maybe.

Dilshan: Suraj, could you sort of flap your wrists back as if you've got extra joints?

Randiv: Well, no…

Dilshan: Oh… This is a problem.

Sangakkara: This is a problem.

Jayawardene: Get out… Just get out of my sight… Get out of my sight right now.

Alex Bowden blogs at King Cricket. All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up (but you knew that already, didn't you?)