The Heavy Ball

"'If you want feedback listen to Hendrix's Star Spangled Banner. I'm off to the nets' - things the Dog Ate My Homework 4 wished they'd said..."
Former England batsman Mark Butcher on how the sacked Australian players should have responded to Mickey Arthur

"Mickey Arthur: 'This is a line in the sand.' It's called a crease. Behind it are are three poles: they're called stumps ... #laughingstock"
Australian journalist Greg Baum on the coach's standards of discipline

"I want views of Chappelli, DK Lillee and Rod Marsh on punishments for not doing homework. This feels like a seminal moment in Aus manliness."
The National's Osman Samiuddin says aloud what everyone else is thinking

Brendon McCullum called for quiet. A hush descended on the room, punctuated only by the sounds of cans of lager being opened and Jeetan Patel singing loudly.

"Right boys," said Brendon. "That was a pretty good effort all told."

Watson still not talking about Dirty Dancing
Shane Watson is still refusing to talk about the whole Dirty Dancing thing, even though it refuses to go away and continues to threaten the Australian allrounder's credibility as a serious cricketer.

"That's an episode we prefer not to talk about," confirmed Watson's agent yesterday. "Yes, Mr Watson starred in Dirty Dancing with Jennifer Grey. And yes, he continues to sport the same hairstyle as the dance instructor he played, but all that is in the past. He's a serious cricketer now, and would like to be considered as such. To that end, we welcome questions of a cricketing nature only." The agent was then interrupted by Watson himself, who leaned over and urgently whispered something into his ear.

"Mr Watson has just informed me that he will also take questions about the right kind of shampoo and hair conditioner to use in various circumstances," continued the agent in a small voice, before clearing his throat and adding: "as that continues to remain one of my client's enduring passions."

This week on Twitter, we learn how Chris Gayle sees himself, how Matthew Hayden spends his free time, how Lou Vincent's passing his retirement and how Dale Steyn measures fun. There's also the intriguing mystery of Kemar Roach's lost hour.

The fence-sitter
Matthew Hayden's so afraid of offending people, he won't even commit to a favourite pickle.

England are playing in the Land of the Long White Cloud, but for their supporters back home, it'll be more like the Land of the Long Dark Night. With Test matches kicking off at 9.30pm UK time, fans will have to focus on executing their skills and getting things in the right areas if they are to stay awake. This guide explains how.

Pace yourself
Yes, the prospect of watching Nick Compton and Jonathan Trott compile a painstaking two-an-over partnership against New Zealand's battery of dobbers is obviously very exciting, but you don't want to peak too early and use up too much nervous energy in wild fits of ecstasy. Try to take regular naps while Jonathan is marking out his guard or holding up play to wonder if that man 50 yards behind the sightscreen might have some very distracting egg down his tie.

Warm up and warm down properly
After a long day's work and/or binge-drinking, the cricket fan is advised not to just throw himself or herself on the sofa with abandon. This sort of poor body positioning can lead to serious injuries that can plague a viewer throughout an entire series, and unlike the England cricket team, the fan at home does not have the luxury of constantly rotating substitute viewers.

In this week's Twitter round-up, we learn when it is and isn't appropriate to cheer for your team, we discover a new use for Botox, and we find one cricketer going beyond merely smashing his food. We also get another vivid insight into the life of Kemar Roach, but be warned - it's like you're actually there, living his experiences for yourself. It's not for the faint-hearted.

The runner
Pat Cummins deserves better.

Ailing T20 format under threat again
The troubled, impoverished format of international T20 cricket received yet another jolt recently with Hashim Amla becoming the latest player to announce he was quitting it for the more bountiful rewards of Test cricket. Already rocked by the departures of Sachin Tendulkar, Michael Clarke, Daniel Vettori and other stars disillusioned with this bankrupt version of the game, it remains to be seen whether the sport's youngest and most brittle iteration will be able to come back from this latest blow.

In a bid to popularise the troubled format, the ICC is said to be considering the unprecedented move of allowing T20 games to be played in the middle of the day, with a red ball instead of white.

Sehwag makes a spectacle of himself
After being diagnosed with vision problems and advised to wear spectacles at the crease, Virender Sehwag proceeded to get himself out in the first innings against Australia while in the act of searching for the ball (as it fell back onto his stumps in slow motion) like a blindfolded child waving a stick at what he thinks is a piñata but is in fact kindly old Aunt Esperanca visiting from Tijuana. Said Sehwag: "The great thing about wearing spectacles is that you can attribute each successive failure with the bat to a pending adjustment in lens power." The batsman then realised he had been talking into a shoe instead of a microphone, and that he wasn't at an interview after all but in a women's footwear store he had wandered into somewhere on Mount Road.

This week, the world's cricketers help us answer questions such as: "When is an abbreviation not an abbreviation?" and "How many breakfasts is it acceptable to eat in one day?" We also see a resurgence in interest in the sport's favourite chicken restaurant and learn a valuable lesson about road layouts. Never let it be said that you don't learn anything useful from this column.

The RAS syndrome (redundant acronym syndrome syndrome)
Scott Styris has been abbreviating.

Cricketers, eh? They live wild, unpredictable lives. This week we learn of a cricketer who has eaten something other than chicken, get in-depth reviews of the major cities of Australia from a West Indian fast bowler and discover which soft drink is difficult to come by in New Zealand. Brace yourselves. It's going to be a wild ride.

The major development
A big day for Lancashire's Simon Kerrigan.