The Heavy Ball

As one of the world's leading cricket writers from a southern Indian state on ESPNcricinfo's Page 2 section, I am often approached by cricket fans for my views on several aspects of this sport. They want to know what my opinions are on various players, various teams, various formats, various cricket boards, and on the state of the international sport in general. And most of the time I am more than happy to spend time with fans and share my thoughts with them in detail, in exchange for modest considerations in cash or kind.

However, of all the questions I am asked, the most popular by far is:

"So Cricinfo is letting anybody and their father write for them, is it, saala !@£$^%%!^@?"

From: ecb1981@cricket.co.uk

To: Ozrules@lookingforaspinner.com.au;
safferboys@thisisnochoke.co.za;
windiesstrike@carib.com;
banglatigers@minnow-bashing.com;
slcricket@gov.lk;
blackcaps@hadlee.co.nz;
pcb_zakadarocker@iluvimmy.com;
zimcricket@mugabe.com

Chaps,

Unable to flash hard, batsman turns to pills
Manny Keitel is a young New Zealander with seemingly all the shots in the book. But he has one shortcoming, so to speak: when Manny flashes at the ball, he is unable to flash hard, in the manner recommended by many a coaching manual and commentator. Poor Manny's problem is that he flashes soft. This desperate young man has tried everything he knows to overcome this embarrassing problem, to no avail.

Thankfully, however, this story has a happy ending: Manny finally turned to a tactful family doctor, who recommended he take a small blue pill at least an hour before he went out to bat. The batsman has since been flashing happily away, and he has never flashed harder* outside off stump.

If you want to read about hairdressers, cutlery and Taylor Swift, read on. If you prefer one-word exclamations, skip to the Kemar Roach section further down.

The choke
Mitch Marsh played scissors-paper-stone for a parking space.

Agarkar not in line for comeback
Ajit Agarkar deserves to be in the reckoning for a comeback to the national team, said nobody yesterday after the former India international put in another decent performance in the Ranji Trophy, this time to give his team Mumbai the crown.

"Though Agarkar is bowling even slower than he did when he played for India, and still trundles up to the crease like a man trying to run underwater, the important thing is that he's still taking wickets at regular intervals," said absolutely no one, I mean not a single soul yesterday, as Mumbai enjoyed the fruits of their toils.

"Who knows, maybe he could once again be the answer to India's fast bowling needs," added not even his mother, I mean come on.

Even though I really am trying my best, everyone who is even peripherally involved in New Zealand cricket seems to think I'm a terrible meanie. Even my mum refuses to speak to me! I'm getting pretty tired of this. Do you think that I should try my hand somewhere else - somewhere that they don't seem to mind bad guys? I'm thinking of heading to the BCCI, asked Coach Villain
I'm afraid I will have to scupper your plans. For if you are who I think you are, your problems don't come from your evil manipulations, rather from your inability to keep your evil manipulations under wraps. You also haven't managed to cultivate an aura of being misunderstood, put upon, or even picked up an adorable pet to distract the masses.

Quite frankly, dear, you're more a henchman than a supervillain, and the BCCI would eat you alive. I would suggest either finding a supervillain whose cause you can support, or beginning work on building a secret lair in a volcano.

I may have made some silly comments regarding losing in the 2007 World Cup being more painful than a couple of overseas Test defeats. How can I live this down? asked Foot-in-Mouth
We all say some silly things, often under the influence of alcohol. Were you drunk at the time? That may go some way to explaining your faux pas. If not, I would look to politicians for an indication as to how long this will be held against you.

If this week's Twitter round-up has a theme - and it doesn't really - it's that cricketers have really, really, incredibly tough lives. I'm not sure anyone's outdone Rob Key's story from last week in which he lost one iPad and couldn't find his other one, but even so: brace yourselves for some harrowing tales of hardship and woe in 140-characters and fewer.

The trials and tribulations
Kevin Pietersen has a hard life.

Class not always permanent, study finds
In a revolutionary report that threatens to turn the cricketing world as we know it upside down, a team of German sports scientists has determined that the well-worn adage "form is temporary and class is permanent" is not as accurate as it has long been believed to be.

"Like with many great moments in science, me and my team kind of stumbled upon this discovery by accident," explained Dr Hans T Muckenfuss, whose work on "subatomic cricket realit(y/ies)" is increasingly being mentioned in the same breath as Einstein's revolutionary work on relativism. "We were at dinner after another hard day's work at the lab, when we saw Virat Kohli seated at another table. The waiter had just brought him his meal, but when Kohli saw a fingerprint smudge on the plate, he lost his head and started yelling and cursing at the waiter and hurling terrible epithets in what I am sure he was aware is a family establishment.

"Now what's classy about that?"

January 18, 2020: The Bangladesh board has rejected India's request for a one-off Test later this month because it wants to rest its players before the marquee series against New Zealand in February.

The BCCI said it was "disappointed" by the cancellation but hoped the tour could be rescheduled whenever the BCB found it convenient.

"Our players are all playing in the Dhaka leagues, so they have a good grasp of the local conditions," said a BCCI spokesperson. "So when the tour does take place, Bangladesh can expect a tough fight. We won't roll over easily this time."

The feast
Graham Onions has been trying to eat well.