The Heavy Ball

The Indian board, my friends, is a much shrewder outfit than you think. But first, some context.

Over the last few weeks there have been one or two articles questioning the current status quo in Indian cricket. The reason for this sudden outpouring of unsolicited analysis is quite obvious to anybody who has followed the outcomes on the ongoing English tour of India. Results have not gone in India's favour.

(But why is anybody surprised by these defeats? Bereft of the challenge of playing a world-class team, and hampered by a meandering format that places no emphasis on urgency, the Indians simply haven't seen the need to perform at their best. Test cricket is not an emotional Ponzi scheme like Masterchef Australia where contestants, even when asked to boil three cups of water in 45 minutes with nothing more than a stove, a few saucepans and a scripted outcome, immediately decide "to give 200% or I could be going home today". Then just go home, man. Nonsense.)

Player alights from bus without headphones
Reports are coming in that a player recently alighted from his team's bus without his iPod headphones plugged into his ears (note: this website has made the decision not to publish the player's name, in order to protect him and his family from further ridicule and embarrassment). Rumours are aswirl that the player may not have even been wearing sunglasses as he emerged from the bus. The shocking incident, which has sent the cricketing world into a tizzy, is currently under investigation.

Taylor reveals struggle with split-captaincy disorder
An emotional Ross Taylor appeared on TV recently to bravely reveal his struggle with the crippling disease of split-captaincy disorder. "Living with this affliction is no joke," Taylor sniffled in front of a live studio audience. "And I hope that my talking about it here will give many others who suffer from it the courage to open up."

According to doctors, four out of five captains contract split-captaincy disorder at some point in their careers. Symptoms of the disease include imagining hearing decision-making voices other than your own on the field of play, a diminished sense of worth, and vindictively missing important series. There is no known cure for this disease other than taking plenty of bed rest and/or vacuously looking forward to the next IPL.

The Test victory
If you played for England, how would you have celebrated an historic Test win? Steven Finn gives us an unpleasant insight into a murky world.

"Thank you all for coming," said Ravi Shastri. "Welcome to this lovely conference suite that has been laid on by the wonderful senior management at BCCI. What a sensational job they have done on organising this meeting, with the little bottles of water and breath mints and so on.

"As I brilliantly joked to Alastair Cook, the cook may have become a Masterchef, but our glorious masters at the board have cooked up such a feast of outstanding leadership and organisation that they are like a hotel with full board and a Michelin star."

Hot Spot ruins commentator's moment, life
A commentator who waxed ecstatic about a square drive, explaining why it was "the shot of the day so far", had his world cave in on him when Hot Spot showed the ball had actually been edged, and not middled "off the meat of the bat" as he had suggested. The chastened commentator went home later that day, drew a hot bath, poured himself a drink, and stared emptily into space as he contemplated the sobering thought that maybe he hadn't found his true calling in life after all. "Maybe I'm not as good at this as I think I am," he whimpered to his wife. "Could it be that I've chosen the wrong path? Should I have pursued my passion for painting instead?" "No," his wife said in response. "Oh God, no."

SA credit fabulous, handsome new-look attack for series win
It was South Africa's tit-for-tat tactics in the final Test that enabled them to win the series against Australia, according to Gary Kirsten. In order to neutralise any advantage Australia might have held over them by fielding a fresh, new-look pace attack they hadn't yet faced in the series, the Proteas decided to counter with a new-look attack of their own, the coach explained.

"Our bowlers certainly looked different," said Kirsten. "If you looked closely at Dale Steyn, for example, you would have noticed that he had some new highlights in his hair. Similarly, Morne Morkel had a certain glow about him due to the mudpack facials we were forcing him to get every morning, and Robin Peterson had a botox injection to remove stress wrinkles. As a result, our attack was unrecognisable (and not to mention fabulous) and, well, the Aussies didn't know what hit them. You can't say it didn't work."

The tired old story that doesn't amount to anything
All it takes is a single tweet from Shane Warne.

The enemy
Kevin Pietersen's got his sights set on a new opponent.

In the recent past there have been many discussions on how to revive interest in Test cricket. Every day when I log on to social networks like Twitter, Facebook or CNN, there are links to very long articles and blog posts about how something must be done immediately to make more people watch Tests.

These articles are usually extremely detailed and very academic, and often I have to read them in one or two sessions. I don't understand why these writers don't break their pieces up into small portions and post them one after the other.

Anyway.

Vaseline makes the man
Michael Clarke has revealed the secret of his soft hands when playing the ball. "I soak my hands in Vaseline overnight," Clarke had apparently no problem admitting. "It helps my batting so much that I even wear gloves lined with the stuff on match days." Clarke explained that batsmen raised on pitches outside the subcontinent had to go the extra mile to get soft, "touchable" hands. "And did you know that Vaseline's great for the face too? Keeps those pesky premature wrinkles away. That's a tip I learned from watching the Tyra Banks Show."

The Wall is dead. Long live The Wall
Rahul Dravid has officially endorsed Cheteshwar Pujara as the next Wall. At a small function to mark the occasion, Dravid went out of his way to give the young pretender some unsolicited advice on what he can look forward to.

"It's not going to be easy," Dravid warned. "Being a wall, people will look to take advantage of you. Many are going to want to use you, mainly to urinate against. But you should stand firm," the legend advised. "What you have to remember is, if you look after your foundations, not lose too many bricks along the way, and keep your structural integrity from being compromised, you can withstand even the most sustained and corrosive blast of fast bowling and/or human waste."

The opportunity
Graham Onions is looking on the bright side.