The Heavy Ball
'Shall I have my sausages now or wait until morning?'
Desperate questions are posed in this week's Twitter round-up
Alex Bowden
17-Oct-2012
The non-bestial weekend
Ramnaresh Sarwan has been relaxing.
Ramnaresh Sarwan has been relaxing.
"Had a great weekend, time to go back into beast mode."
@ronniesarwan
@ronniesarwan
Why on earth would you spend the weekend outside beast mode if that option is available to you?
Full postWindow opens for cricket tournament
Administrators move swiftly to address issue of yawning gap between T20 cups
Alan Tyers
15-Oct-2012
ICC bosses and Indian TV chiefs have acted swiftly to plug a gap in the fixture calendar by scheduling a new T20 tournament to start on Monday, October 29, the day after the final of the current Champions League tournament.
"Basically, someone dropped the ball and left a window between the end of the Champions League and the start of the England and India matches," said a spokesman. "We were looking at potentially several days without an international cricket competition. That person has now been terminated, and we are working around the clock to correct this oversight."
There had been serious concern in the corridors of cricket power when it emerged that there might be up to two days without a major T20 fixture at the end of October, and cricket chiefs were understandably concerned that a fickle public might watch something else other than cricket on TV for a day or two.
Full postSuresh Raina's nephew speaks out
And other declarative statements are made this week
R Rajkumar
12-Oct-2012
Raina's nephew speaks out
Suresh Raina's nephew has broken his silence. After being accused of having used his uncle's phone to tweet a controversial message taunting Pakistan for being kicked out of the World Cup, the little boy of seven confirmed that not only had he been unfairly set up by Raina, but that Uncle isn't stopping there. "He wants me to take the rap for another tweet he wants to write and quickly delete," said the hapless youngster. "It reads: 'Dhoni needs to give up the captaincy already and grow his hair back for the sake of Indian cricket.'
Suresh Raina's nephew has broken his silence. After being accused of having used his uncle's phone to tweet a controversial message taunting Pakistan for being kicked out of the World Cup, the little boy of seven confirmed that not only had he been unfairly set up by Raina, but that Uncle isn't stopping there. "He wants me to take the rap for another tweet he wants to write and quickly delete," said the hapless youngster. "It reads: 'Dhoni needs to give up the captaincy already and grow his hair back for the sake of Indian cricket.'
"Come to think of it, I might be willing to take the blame for this one," he added.
Another cricketer injured by falling kitchen sink
Yet another cricketer has been hospitalised by a falling kitchen sink, adding to the recent spate of such injuries occurring during the course of play. While it's been no secret that the increasing frequency of T20 matches has been responsible for more and more batsmen throwing the dangerous plumbing fixture at the cricket ball in the hopes of sending it over the ropes at any cost, the practice is being criticised as the number of injuries continues to rise. In a recent youth match in Afghanistan, to take just one example, a number of young fielders were almost crushed to death by a communal hand basin. And then there was that unfortunate lady in the crowd in Colombo who copped it on the head with a pink ceramic number sent into orbit by Chris Gayle.
Full postYet another cricketer has been hospitalised by a falling kitchen sink, adding to the recent spate of such injuries occurring during the course of play. While it's been no secret that the increasing frequency of T20 matches has been responsible for more and more batsmen throwing the dangerous plumbing fixture at the cricket ball in the hopes of sending it over the ropes at any cost, the practice is being criticised as the number of injuries continues to rise. In a recent youth match in Afghanistan, to take just one example, a number of young fielders were almost crushed to death by a communal hand basin. And then there was that unfortunate lady in the crowd in Colombo who copped it on the head with a pink ceramic number sent into orbit by Chris Gayle.
'Why does this X Box sound possessed by a ten-year-old?'
Get your spook on with this week's Twitter round-up
Alex Bowden
11-Oct-2012
The barnet
Jade Dernbach's getting ready for a holiday.
Jade Dernbach's getting ready for a holiday.
Actually Jade, it doesn't matter how overdue your haircut is. Recent advancements in haircutting technology mean that the amount of hair to be removed has no impact on haircut duration.
Full postWhat India said
Our ace correspondent reveals the talk on the field during India's last match of the World Twenty20
Sidin Vadukut
07-Oct-2012
Exclusive: In an international first, renowned ESPNcricinfo columnist and well-known male model Sidin Vadukut employed an experienced lip reader to carefully monitor conversations between Indian players during their match against South Africa in the Super Eights of the World Twenty20, in the course of which India established their superiority over the… cough, cough, racking cough from blocked air passage… South Africans.
Shortly before the innings commenced
Balaji: MS! If you want, I can open the innings with a burst of explosive bowling…
Dhoni and Raina and Yuvraj and Rohit and Gambhir: Ha ha ha ha ha ha
Sehwag: Good idea, Balaji.
Harsha: Rift in the team?
Virat: *Expletive*
Balaji: MS! If you want, I can open the innings with a burst of explosive bowling…
Dhoni and Raina and Yuvraj and Rohit and Gambhir: Ha ha ha ha ha ha
Sehwag: Good idea, Balaji.
Harsha: Rift in the team?
Virat: *Expletive*
After third over, shortly before Pathan took Kallis' wicket
Virat: Come on, boys! Come on, boys! We can do this! We can qualify for the semis *expletive*!…
Dhoni: Yes boys! Come on! Even if it looks highly unlikely that we will qualify, what with that rain during the Australia game that basically stole our chances away from us, we must still strive...
Full postVirat: Come on, boys! Come on, boys! We can do this! We can qualify for the semis *expletive*!…
Dhoni: Yes boys! Come on! Even if it looks highly unlikely that we will qualify, what with that rain during the Australia game that basically stole our chances away from us, we must still strive...
The Kevin Pietersen reintegration package
England's players work together to bring KP back into the fold
Alan Tyers
05-Oct-2012
The "reintegration of Kevin Pietersen into the group", aside from making him sound like an exotic zoo creature that has been bullied by rival males for having an intimidatingly gaudy plumage*, has necessitated some concessions and commitments on all sides. Like the following:
Kevin has agreed to…
… nod politely and pretend to be interested when senior professionals express concern about important matters of squad harmony, such as the vital question of who gets first go on the team PlayStation after nap time.
… nod politely and pretend to be interested when senior professionals express concern about important matters of squad harmony, such as the vital question of who gets first go on the team PlayStation after nap time.
… not walk around in favourite t-shirt that carries the message "Moores… Strauss… You're next, buddy".
Full post'I didn't pick up the courage to spoon him, though'
Nearly lurid revelations float our boat in this week's Twitter round-up
Alex Bowden
04-Oct-2012
The pastime
Ravi Bopara didn't get much cricket during the World Twenty20. Still, at least he was in one of the most beautiful, idyllic places on earth.
Ravi Bopara didn't get much cricket during the World Twenty20. Still, at least he was in one of the most beautiful, idyllic places on earth.
And after England were knocked out, did he experience a moment of clarity that caused him to reappraise things, perhaps leading him to feel a little differently?
Full postFan held for saying Gayle not cool
And commentators to be sued for gross exaggeration
R Rajkumar
01-Oct-2012
Person found claiming to think Gayle not cool
In shocking, inconceivable and just plain wrong news, a man was found yesterday claiming to think Chris Gayle was not cool. The scarcely believable person was overheard at the ground during the West Indies-England game saying, "Oh, man, now he's just embarrassing himself", while Gayle celebrated the fall of a wicket off his own bowling.
In shocking, inconceivable and just plain wrong news, a man was found yesterday claiming to think Chris Gayle was not cool. The scarcely believable person was overheard at the ground during the West Indies-England game saying, "Oh, man, now he's just embarrassing himself", while Gayle celebrated the fall of a wicket off his own bowling.
When taken into custody and asked to explain himself, the clearly deluded and possibly dangerous fan said the reason he'd fallen out of love with Gayle was because of the batsman's insistence on attempting the "Gangnam Style" dance as a celebration on the field. "I just don't think it's cool," said the fan, shrugging his shoulders. "In the first place, he's not even doing it right. His legs need to be spread out more. And secondly, even if he were doing it right, he'd still look just as awkward and embarrassing."
The ICC Anti-Corruption Unit has been called in to investigate whether the man was acting on his own or whether he is one of many indulging in such illegal behaviour.
Full postMeat of the bat to be removed from veggie-friendly version
And other weird and wonderful news from recent cricket
R Rajkumar
25-Sep-2012
Kevin Pietersen's jawline ruptures face
Kevin Pietersen's new avatar as a World Cup television pundit got off to a horrific start yesterday, when his painfully clenched jawline suddenly scythed through his own face and left him a dribbling, bloodied mess. The horrible moment was captured live on TV when KP was explaining to fellow pundits Wasim Akram and Sourav Ganguly the importance of keeping your head still over the ball before a shot. The accident occurred when Pietersen, dressed in an expensive dark suit by Armani, tastefully offset by a hilarious orange tan by Idioci, appeared to clench his teeth too hard as he strained for a more exaggeratedly defined jawline. His visibly alarmed co-hosts beat a hasty retreat as KP staggered around the stage, one hand clasped to his torn face, the other desperately texting a select few South African cricketers a revealing joke involving Graeme Swann he had sworn he'd tell them before he died.
Kevin Pietersen's new avatar as a World Cup television pundit got off to a horrific start yesterday, when his painfully clenched jawline suddenly scythed through his own face and left him a dribbling, bloodied mess. The horrible moment was captured live on TV when KP was explaining to fellow pundits Wasim Akram and Sourav Ganguly the importance of keeping your head still over the ball before a shot. The accident occurred when Pietersen, dressed in an expensive dark suit by Armani, tastefully offset by a hilarious orange tan by Idioci, appeared to clench his teeth too hard as he strained for a more exaggeratedly defined jawline. His visibly alarmed co-hosts beat a hasty retreat as KP staggered around the stage, one hand clasped to his torn face, the other desperately texting a select few South African cricketers a revealing joke involving Graeme Swann he had sworn he'd tell them before he died.
Meat of the bat to be removed from vegetarian-friendly version
Vegetarian batsmen needn't worry any longer, as Woodworm, a company that will henceforth be known simply as Wood, has come out with a revolutionary new bat which has the "meat" part of the so-called sweet spot removed. In its place, hardcore vegetarians like Virender Sehwag will be pleased to find a massed gob of tasteless soya.
Vegetarian batsmen needn't worry any longer, as Woodworm, a company that will henceforth be known simply as Wood, has come out with a revolutionary new bat which has the "meat" part of the so-called sweet spot removed. In its place, hardcore vegetarians like Virender Sehwag will be pleased to find a massed gob of tasteless soya.
"Indiyaaah, Indiyah!" rallying cry analysed
Some say it is the greatest rallying cry in cricket. Others maintain it is the most creative expression of fan support in any sport. Long admired by professional songwriters, shameless admen, effete literary types and ineffectual aesthetes as much as by testosterone-bleeding sports fans and Virat Kohli, the inimitable chant of "Indiyaaah, Indiyah!" continues to entertain even as it undeniably eggs the team on. What's the secret?
Full postSome say it is the greatest rallying cry in cricket. Others maintain it is the most creative expression of fan support in any sport. Long admired by professional songwriters, shameless admen, effete literary types and ineffectual aesthetes as much as by testosterone-bleeding sports fans and Virat Kohli, the inimitable chant of "Indiyaaah, Indiyah!" continues to entertain even as it undeniably eggs the team on. What's the secret?
