The Heavy Ball
Behind the scenes at England's India defeat post-mortem
Behind the scenes at England's India defeat post-mortem
Alan Tyers
24-Sep-2012
"Gather round, lads," said Stuart Broad. "Let's have a session of positives-taking and then see if we can't concentrate on our momentum."
Reluctantly, players put down their PlayStation controllers and stopped tweeting. Tim Bresnan picked listlessly at a Heinz All-Day Breakfast in a Can, one of 144 that he had brought over from home. The food in these subcontinental countries could be as dodgy as the spinners. The chef in the hotel hadn't even heard of Branston Pickle when he'd asked for some on his king prawn curry yesterday. Bresnan wondered if the bloke was even a real chef at all.
"So where did we go wrong?" asked Broad. "Why did our plan of blocking the first five and then closing our eyes and swinging hard at the sixth one fail to execute despite our focusing and preparationing?"
Full postSri Lanka Cricket slams unfounded expectations
Board criticises media and fans for demanding a well-run cricket administration
Damith Samarakoon
21-Sep-2012
Sri Lanka Cricket has launched a vitriolic attack on the media and fans for "delusional and grandiose" expectations placed on the board.
"It's absurd," said a spokesman. "We have proven time and again, over many years no less, that we are completely and utterly baffled as to how to run this organisation, but people continue to hope this will change. We've racked up hundreds of millions of dollars in debt, built grounds and facilities which we've since abandoned, and defied all logic by picking Kapugedera. And what do we get for it? Some condescending BS about how the SLPL might change Sri Lankan cricket. Honestly, the board is getting a little fed up of it all.
"We can understand that people like to be optimistic but you need to be fair in your assessments. I challenge anyone to produce evidence or facts that would lead to such utopian thoughts about the SLC. As an organisation we feel that it is quite selfish on the part of those who place this pressure on us."
Full post'The wolves were right behind me, inches certain death!'
Deranged ramblings? We've got those and more in this week's Twitter round-up
Alex Bowden
20-Sep-2012
The hero
Matt Prior's son has some very specific demands when they play backyard cricket together.
Matt Prior's son has some very specific demands when they play backyard cricket together.
The gibberish
What's happened to Albie Morkel?
Full postWhat's happened to Albie Morkel?
The lazy pundit's guide to why your team lost
Only one team will win the ICC World Twenty20. All the others will lose. But where there's a loss, there's a reason
Alex Bowden
18-Sep-2012
Fortunately, there's no need to sit through the lengthy post-mortem that will be carried out by presenters and ex-cricketers. Simply consult The Lazy Pundit's Guide to Why Your Team Lost. Print it out, run your finger down the page until you reach your team's name and then read the explanation for the travesty you've just witnessed. This will save you a great deal of time, which can now be spent disseminating your new expert knowledge via the comments sections of various cricket websites.
Australia
They just weren't tough enough. It's not like the old days. This team just isn't hard-nosed, aggressive or Australian enough. They don't need to be any more talented. They just need to be angrier. Bring back Lillee and Thommo.
They just weren't tough enough. It's not like the old days. This team just isn't hard-nosed, aggressive or Australian enough. They don't need to be any more talented. They just need to be angrier. Bring back Lillee and Thommo.
England
It was almost certainly the IPL. Not enough players are appearing in it and too many players want to appear in it. Secondly, they were over-confident because they were the reigning champions, but simultaneously lacked confidence following a summer of major setbacks. It might also have been something to do with playing spin and Sri Lankan weather and conditions. Also, Craig Kieswetter. Bring back KP.
Full postIt was almost certainly the IPL. Not enough players are appearing in it and too many players want to appear in it. Secondly, they were over-confident because they were the reigning champions, but simultaneously lacked confidence following a summer of major setbacks. It might also have been something to do with playing spin and Sri Lankan weather and conditions. Also, Craig Kieswetter. Bring back KP.
So Ajmal didn't get an award. Good thing
The benefits of not winning Cricketer of the Year, or any other such prize
Imran Yusuf
17-Sep-2012
Pakistanis love Saeed Ajmal. This statement seems obvious, but, as in every other use of the word "love", there's a lot more to it. I mean, love, my word, it's the root of all sorts of things. Compassion, jealousy, joy, pain, sacrifice, positive pregnancy tests. All very different destinies, you'll agree, apart from the last three.
The love for Ajmal is a cloudless affair. A holiday romance in the south of France, sans paparazzi zoom lenses. He wins matches, he smiles, he wins more matches, he smiles again - and Pakistan smiles so wide that Afghanistan and India threaten war for incursions into their land.
Naturally, much of the Ajmal-love stems from his professional brilliance. He is the best bowler in the world and fascinating to observe. But just as important: he's a lovely guy.
Full postEngland squad enjoy well-earned rest
A look at what the various members of the side got up to on their break
Alan Tyers
14-Sep-2012
England's victory at Edgbaston on Wednesday night brought the curtain down on the English summer and ensured that the players went into their break with a spring in their step, the squad revelling in the luxury of up to 13 hours leisure time before taking a plane to Sri Lanka to defend their World Twenty20 crown. How did they spent their downtime?
Stuart Broad: "Showed my new-found maturity by definitely not having anything whatsoever to do with a hilarious new Nottingham-based website called Kevin Pietersen Is A Prat that was coincidentally designed in my bedroom by person or persons unknown."
Jonathan Trott: "Arranged furniture in house in alphabetical order, re-indexed collection of interesting bits of tree bark. Got in cardboard box full of straw until they wake me up for the Test matches."
Full post'The asparagus I had has made my pee stink'
Full and frank confessions in this week's Twitter round-up
Alex Bowden
13-Sep-2012
The skinflint
Is Shane Warne short a bob or two?
Is Shane Warne short a bob or two?
Those ice-cream vans, eh? It's just a licence to print money. It's great news that poverty-stricken Shane Warne is standing up for us all and arguing for a fair price for frozen dairy products.
Full postAjmal overlooked because too short - ICC
And Tendulkar dismisses talk that he is ageing
R Rajkumar
11-Sep-2012
Fair warning
After the latest controversy, the ICC has decided to make it official: from now on, a bowler will not be able to run out a non-striking batsman without warning him at least once, and at most three or four times. According to the new law, it is incumbent upon the bowler to ensure that not only has the offending batsman had prior warning, but that the well-being of his family has been politely enquired about, and, in certain unique circumstances, his cheeks playfully, but not forcefully, pinched, "as would an affectionate uncle to a slightly dim-witted child".
After the latest controversy, the ICC has decided to make it official: from now on, a bowler will not be able to run out a non-striking batsman without warning him at least once, and at most three or four times. According to the new law, it is incumbent upon the bowler to ensure that not only has the offending batsman had prior warning, but that the well-being of his family has been politely enquired about, and, in certain unique circumstances, his cheeks playfully, but not forcefully, pinched, "as would an affectionate uncle to a slightly dim-witted child".
Ajmal overlooked because too short - ICC
In what could prove to be a major embarrassment for the ICC, the sport's governing body has admitted that the real reason why diminutive Pakistan spinner Saeed Ajmal was overlooked for a Test Cricketer of the Year nomination was because they couldn't see him. "When we were scanning the room for potential candidates, we unfortunately didn't see him standing there," said ICC CEO Dave Richardson. "Apparently Ajmal was right in front of us but we missed him because he was, well, below our field of vision. All we saw were some of the bigger lads at the back." Richardson agreed that the situation wasn't helped any by the fact that the selections were being made for a shortlist.
In what could prove to be a major embarrassment for the ICC, the sport's governing body has admitted that the real reason why diminutive Pakistan spinner Saeed Ajmal was overlooked for a Test Cricketer of the Year nomination was because they couldn't see him. "When we were scanning the room for potential candidates, we unfortunately didn't see him standing there," said ICC CEO Dave Richardson. "Apparently Ajmal was right in front of us but we missed him because he was, well, below our field of vision. All we saw were some of the bigger lads at the back." Richardson agreed that the situation wasn't helped any by the fact that the selections were being made for a shortlist.
Deccan Chargers to throw in free year's subscription to Reader's Digest for buyer
After struggling to find a buyer, the Deccan Chargers have decided to sweeten the pot by throwing in a year's free subscription to Reader's Digest. The popular magazine will be available to the lucky buyer upon signing the cheque for the struggling franchise. "He or she can enjoy such Reader's Digest classics as Laughter is the Best Medicine and Humour in Uniform," said a miserable-looking Kumar Sangakkara. "We figured that whoever it is who decides to buy us has to have a twisted sense of humour, so our offer can't hurt."
Full postAfter struggling to find a buyer, the Deccan Chargers have decided to sweeten the pot by throwing in a year's free subscription to Reader's Digest. The popular magazine will be available to the lucky buyer upon signing the cheque for the struggling franchise. "He or she can enjoy such Reader's Digest classics as Laughter is the Best Medicine and Humour in Uniform," said a miserable-looking Kumar Sangakkara. "We figured that whoever it is who decides to buy us has to have a twisted sense of humour, so our offer can't hurt."
'Wisden down underpants time'
Cricket-bible desecration and other jolly hijinks in this week's Twitter round-up
Alex Bowden
07-Sep-2012
The Women's Institute
Ravi Bopara reveals that England's latest attempts to foster team unity revolve around swapping preserves with one another.
Ravi Bopara reveals that England's latest attempts to foster team unity revolve around swapping preserves with one another.
Rumours that Kevin Pietersen has been excommunicated as a result of his hugely disappointing green tomato chutney are yet to be confirmed. Incidentally, the one-day international side's monthly cake sale will be taking place on the 14th of the month at the village hall. As ever, a prize will be awarded for the best Victoria sponge.
Full postAmerica to go crazy for Crickball
The 498th time's the charm. USA, you've been warned
Alan Tyers
04-Sep-2012
Upon the news that an American business consortium plans to set up a US T20 League during next summer's Ashes, England cricket chiefs have acted swiftly. Relatively swiftly. Swiftly for them.
With the US league promising "baseball on steroids" in a bid to interest American viewers in T20 cricket, England will hit back by marketing Test cricket as "baseball on barbiturates, washed down with a nice cup of milky tea".
"We're fully confident that a nation raised on the frenetic, bombastic hyperactivity of basketball, baseball, NASCAR and competitive hotdog-eating is going to embrace the prospect of a gritty Jonathan Trott rearguard like it was a delicious stuffed-crust pizza-burger dipped in buttermilk," said an English cricket spokesman.
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