The Heavy Ball
'Straussy bought a dog last year'
Revelations about the former England captain and about embarrassing bodies in this week's Twitter round-up
Alex Bowden
30-Aug-2012
The retirement
Michael Vaughan has been in Andrew Strauss's position.
Michael Vaughan has been in Andrew Strauss's position.
"Can't believe Straussy didn't Cry."
@VaughanCricket
@VaughanCricket
Always display a stiff upper lip, old chap.
Full postPlay the KP punditry game
Sit in front of the telly during the World Twenty20 and start scoring
Alan Tyers
27-Aug-2012
With the news that KP has a punditry gig for the World Twenty20, we look forward to his stints in the analyst chair, and you can enhance your enjoyment by playing along at home. Tot up the points, and the player with most points wins an England central contract.
Kevin is asked his opinion about an England colleague. You learn a colourful new Afrikaans swearword - two points
Who would have thought a simple word like "gap" or "sausage" could be applied so effectively by those clever Boers? - two points
Full postPietersen signs for Pakistan
All things considered it's surprising it took so long
Imran Yusuf
26-Aug-2012
In a shocking development, Kevin Pietersen has signed for Pakistan.
Pietersen's move from Surrey to Sialkot is the third eye-catching transfer of the summer, after Robin van Persie became a Manchester United player and Kristen Stewart became single.
At a hastily convened press conference in Lahore, Pietersen was quick to emphasise that his move was not motivated by money. "It's a freedom thing," said the 32-year-old batsman. "There's a flexibility about Pakistan which will suit my style."
Full postHow to talk about cricket like an expert without knowing anything
So you know the basics of what to say. Here's how to take it to the next level
Sidin Vadukut
21-Aug-2012
Imagine our surprise when an old friend of this column sent us an email earlier this week. Once again I reproduce the letter here in its authentic entirety.
My Adonis,
In May 2011 you taught me everything I know today about cricket. Until then I had been a complete cricket virgin with no cognisance of the basics, nuances, strategies or retired Englishmen who make this sport great. But you, Vaducute, helped me deal with my cricketing virginity.
Full postMeet KP's advisors
A flatmate of the two men whose job it is to counsel Kevin Pietersen reveals all
Alex Bowden
20-Aug-2012
One of the things I keep hearing during this protracted Kevin Pietersen saga is that he's been getting bad advice. I couldn't disagree with this more. I happen to live with his two advisors, Adrian and Heinrich, and so I can offer a first-hand account of just how seriously these guys take their job and just how dedicated they are.
People notice Heinrich first, because he is naturally more gregarious. Tall and slight, he is always dressed immaculately and he has a thin, waxed moustache. Sometimes he gently strokes his moustache between thumb and forefinger when he is thinking.
You probably imagine that he is a cold, sinister individual, because that is the impression one gets when reading the papers. Nothing could be further from the truth. Heinrich is incredibly warm and forever on the brink of laughter. He has a loud, almost melodramatic, laugh that is hard to ignore. Some people might describe it as a cackle.
Full post'Does George Michael look like Merv Hughes?'
And other poignant musings in this week's round-up
Alex Bowden
17-Aug-2012
The headline
Turns out the parody Twitter account KP Genius (@KevPietersen24) was being written by @Bailsthebadger. As someone who writes a weekly Twitter round-up, I'm delighted to see the social networking site giving rise to stories of such earth-shattering importance.
Turns out the parody Twitter account KP Genius (@KevPietersen24) was being written by @Bailsthebadger. As someone who writes a weekly Twitter round-up, I'm delighted to see the social networking site giving rise to stories of such earth-shattering importance.
The gold, silver and bronze
Nikita Miller watched the men's 200m final.
Nikita Miller watched the men's 200m final.
"New area code for jamaica (123)."
@nktmiller
Full post@nktmiller
The real Kevin Pietersen parody account
And other such news you have been dying to hear about
R Rajkumar
14-Aug-2012
T&T sports minister discovers new species of animal
The Trinidad and Tobago sports minister, who recently declared that he had no doubt his star cricketers would choose to play for their country over their respective IPL teams, confirmed yesterday that the strange creature he had seen flying outside his window the other night was, in fact, a pig. "You'd be surprised at how graceful they are," said the minister, before retiring to his room to check once more if the tooth fairy had left him a dollar for the premolar he'd left there as a child, a charming habit he has had since the age of four.
The Trinidad and Tobago sports minister, who recently declared that he had no doubt his star cricketers would choose to play for their country over their respective IPL teams, confirmed yesterday that the strange creature he had seen flying outside his window the other night was, in fact, a pig. "You'd be surprised at how graceful they are," said the minister, before retiring to his room to check once more if the tooth fairy had left him a dollar for the premolar he'd left there as a child, a charming habit he has had since the age of four.
"The tweets are coming from inside the dressing room. Get out now"
While ESPNcricinfo has been able to confirm that the tweets issuing from the @KevPietersen24 parody account that has so irked Kevin Pietersen are not coming from the England dressing room, there is still some doubt as to whether the same can be said for the other, even more hilarious, Kevin Pietersen parody account: the verified @kevinpp24 one, blue tick and all.
While ESPNcricinfo has been able to confirm that the tweets issuing from the @KevPietersen24 parody account that has so irked Kevin Pietersen are not coming from the England dressing room, there is still some doubt as to whether the same can be said for the other, even more hilarious, Kevin Pietersen parody account: the verified @kevinpp24 one, blue tick and all.
"Honestly thought there was an 'i' in 'team'" - Pietersen
In related news, KP has revealed that the reason he has been so demanding of late is that he thought the word "team" was spelled like his own last name, with an "i" before "e". "It was an honest mistake," explained Pietersen. "Now that I know there's no 'i' in 'team', I'll be sure to play less for myself and more for my... nation. Well, well, well. I think I just found a new favourite word."
Full postIn related news, KP has revealed that the reason he has been so demanding of late is that he thought the word "team" was spelled like his own last name, with an "i" before "e". "It was an honest mistake," explained Pietersen. "Now that I know there's no 'i' in 'team', I'll be sure to play less for myself and more for my... nation. Well, well, well. I think I just found a new favourite word."
In which KP secures his glorious future
We take a look at the latest viral video starring the Great One
Alan Tyers
13-Aug-2012
Interior of a well-appointed living room. Pictures of Kevin Pietersen on walls. Camera pans round to reveal Kevin Pietersen, dressed in full military uniform of North Korea.
KP: Hi. I'm Kevin Pietersen. You may remember me from such triumphant public relations videos as "Let Me Back In The Team - I've Got Kids To Feed", "I Never Texted Them Things", and the YouTube sensation "Peter Moores: His Role In 9/11".
Flunky runs across screen to fiddle with tape recorder. Pietersen looks on impatiently. Tape recorder eventually plays noise of crowd cheering and shouting "We love you glorious helmsman KP". Suspicion that they may just be one South African voice overdubbed several times.
Full post'Sorry London for my mum's escalator positioning'
Heartfelt apologies, reckless chicken consumption and more in this week's round-up
Alex Bowden
09-Aug-2012
The parody
It has been reported that Kevin Pietersen thinks that one of his team-mates is responsible for the parody account "KP Genius", @KevPietersen24
It has been reported that Kevin Pietersen thinks that one of his team-mates is responsible for the parody account "KP Genius", @KevPietersen24
The person responsible disagrees.
Full post