The Long Handle
What's the solution to illegal bowling?
The answer lies in urinating in a cup
Andrew Hughes
29-Nov-2014
Cricket administrators are renowned for their sagacity, and as ICC big cheese, Dave Richardson is the uber pen-pusher, the bureaucrats' bureaucrat, the Socrates of cricket. Like all wise men, he has the ability to reduce complex problems to their essence. So what's the solution to illegal bowling?
"Pick people who can bowl legally."
Clearly, Dave belongs to that proud philosophical tradition of resolving apparently insoluble difficulties with deceptively simple prescriptions, known as the Marie Antoinette School. And he's got more advice where that came from.
Full postCoach-speak: a crime against humanity
You can tolerate players' incoherent babbling but when coaches start giving explanations, it's time to run
Andrew Hughes
26-Nov-2014
One of the unfortunate side effects of watching a lot of sport is having to watch a lot of sports interviews. This is because sport occurs at odd non-advertising friendly intervals, there's a lot of standing about waiting for the thing to start, and television has yet to come up with a better way of filling this time than asking sports people to open and close their jaws whilst passing air through their larynx and capturing the sound for posterity.
These days, the interviewees receive training so that when their personal space is invaded by Ian Ward or Ramiz Raja, they don't run off and hide behind the sightscreen for fear that the microphone will steal their soul. And the easiest way to train a sports person to cope with interviews is to teach them the zombie technique: as soon as you see a camera lens, imagine you are a zombie.
"Congratulations on your fifty, generic opening batsman, you must be pleased."
Full postA post-mortem of England's 2015 World Cup campaign
You've read enough previews and moaning, why not just skip right to the operational bits?
Andrew Hughes
22-Nov-2014
We cannot escape. The World Cup has us in its gravitational field and over the next few weeks we will be pulled inexorably towards the hype event horizon, as waves of previews, pull-outs, predictions and patriotic page-filling piffle batter remorselessly against our cynicism shields.
But if you're an English cricket fan already suffering from World Cup preview fatigue, I can offer the antidote, courtesy of the future.
It is a little known fact that if you read the final chapter of Kevin Pietersen's recent book backwards, removing the third letter of every negative adjective used to describe Andy Flower, the text reveals a viable method for constructing your own working time machine.
Full postEngland's World Cup chances
Ask Miley Cyrus about them, why don't you?
Andrew Hughes
19-Nov-2014
England have not won many World Cups. In fact, England have won as many World Cups as I have. Admittedly I have yet to reach the final of a World Cup, but the bottom line here is trophies, and at the moment we are all square, England and me, in the matter of World Cup silverware.
In any case, I couldn't really fit a World Cup on my tiny mantelpiece. But the ECB could. They have an secret dossier, stored on an Amstrad floppy disk, containing a plan, in the event of a World Cup miracle, to pack up the little brown urn in a cardboard box and put it into storage, in order to give over the whole of the Ashes display section of their museum to the triumphant England team's success. Sadly, judging by the history of the last 22 and a bit years, Operation Flying Pig will never be put into practice.
It is a sobering fact that the last time England got a sniff of winning the World Cup, Miley Cyrus had not even been born. She has grown up in a world when England not coming close to winning the World Cup has become the normal state of affairs. In fact, if you were to ask Miley Cyrus what it would be like to watch England in the final of the cricket World Cup, she would shrug, look at you blankly, and have her minders kick your ass.
Full postA new, revolutionary selection method
The Sanath will end all debates about faulty team-picking
Andrew Hughes
15-Nov-2014
Sometimes great leaders cannot help but speak profound truths, even when they aren't trying. For example, worried that the Gettysburg Address didn't have enough laughs in it, Abraham Lincoln inserted into the original draft some humorous lines on the subject of stove pipe hats, remarking that: "four score and seven years ago, our fathers brought forth on this continent a new piece of millinery, little realising that it would make the wearer look as though he were balancing a chimney upon his head".
Sadly these lines didn't make it into the final version, but on the subject of the stovepipe hat, Lincoln was ahead of his time, and just 151 years later, almost no one goes out of doors wearing one of those ridiculous concoctions.
Cricket too has its visionary. Sanath Jayasuriya, the Muscles from Matara, the man who almost single-handedly turned 50-over cricket from a microwave version of Test cricket into a full-blooded, six runs an over slogathon via the power of his Popeye-proportioned forearms and a flashing chunk of willow, is also something of a prophet.
Full postWhy we need the lousy FTP
The answer lies in why democracy is preferable to dictatorship
Andrew Hughes
12-Nov-2014
It is best to be right for the right reasons, but we humans often fall short of that standard, in which case, I think we should be sympathetic towards those who turn out to be right, but for the wrong reasons.
Take Colonel Lamprey-Tickler-Smythe, who, in the summer of 1934, launched a disastrous pre-emptive invasion of Nazi Germany. Landing at Berlin airport with his valet Bernard and an old school chum from Eton, he took a taxi to the Reichstag, which he attempted to storm, armed only with a stout umbrella and a commanding tone.
After a brief skirmish with some elderly clerks, the colonel and his band were rounded up and promptly repatriated to Blighty, where he explained his actions to the British press. He said that he'd become convinced that Hitler posed a deadly threat to Europe and had to be stopped when he read in the Telegraph that the man was a vegetarian. In the Colonel's opinion, if good people stood by and did nothing, then the traditional British Sunday roast dinner would be trampled beneath the vegetarian jackboot.
Full postTough Pup meets some top dogs
And learns Russian bone-shattering techniques and the importance of avoiding demeaning stereotypes
Andrew Hughes
08-Nov-2014
Following the publication of his book, How To Be Macho: The Art Of Looking Tough While Wearing a Green Hat, Michael Clarke has been holding drop-in surgeries for those wishing to learn from the master:
Clarke: Good morning madam. Can I just say, I love your scarf. It really brings out the colour of your hair, where did you get it?
Michael's agent steps in to whisper in his ear
Full postIs Tuk Tuk the new Boom Boom?
The continuing adventures of our favourite two Pakistani detectives
Andrew Hughes
05-Nov-2014
Episode Four
It's Tuesday morning in downtown Lahore. Having stopped off at his favourite shop to pick up a specially ordered item, Detective Afridi of Lahore PD is reporting for duty. On his way to the restroom mirror, he pops into the staff canteen for a quick snack.
Afridi: Chicken biryani, please, and three kebabs.
Full postWhy Marlon changed his tune
It's obvious, isn't it? Not really
Andrew Hughes
01-Nov-2014
When the writers of a successful comedy are asked to cough up a sequel, they often fall back on the wheeze of sending the characters on tour, enabling them to use all the same jokes from the first film, only this time set in Hong Kong.
Some people apply the same principle to their personal lives. Your relationship may be a simmering cauldron of resentment and bitterness; your friends may be embroiled in a tangled web of secrets that will one day unravel like the plot of a bloody Shakespearean tragedy, but hey, maybe a holiday is just what we all need.
Sadly, as Hangover 2 and Garfield: A Tale Of Two Kitties, not to mention the persistently high divorce rate, prove, relocating to a more exotic setting cannot save a marriage or a comic idea that has passed its sell-by date.
Full postAngry Boy to rescue BCCI's ad revenues
Captain Cool's sidekick is taking the India-Sri Lanka series very seriously
Andrew Hughes
29-Oct-2014
In their top-secret, desirably situated, elegantly appointed underground base, our heroes are preparing for another day of fighting villainy. Well, at least one of them is...
Angry Boy: Breakfast is ready. I already called you three times!
Captain Cool: Yeah, yeah, I'll be there in a minute.
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