The Long Handle
Operation: Extraction Ajmal
In episode two of Tuk-Tuk and Boom-Boom, Lahore PD, a cunning plot is hatched
Andrew Hughes
20-Sep-2014
Episode Two
In a dingy office in the basement of Lahore PD, the T20 squad has assembled. They sit nervously, awaiting the arrival of their senior officer. Suddenly the door is smashed down and a man with impeccably brushed hair leaps into the room brandishing a semi-legal semi-automatic weapon.
Afridi: Everybody freeze! Ha! Just kidding! Guess what! Boom-Boom is back!
Full postThe great British moan-off (feat Shoaib)
An all-star cast of whingers face-off, to impress Boycs and Athers
Andrew Hughes
16-Sep-2014
It's the reality show that's taken the cricket world by storm! Each episode sees four amateur moaners compete to avoid elimination from the Moan-Off pavilion. This week it's the turn of Bob Willis, Ian Chappell, Shoaib Akhtar and Ian Botham to prepare their moans for the scrutiny of expert judges, Geoffrey "Mary" Boycott and Mike "Hollywood" Atherton.
Geoffrey: Right. You're all evenly matched, which is to say you're all equally roobish. This is your last chance. You've got 20 minutes to come up with a proper bit of moaning, and your time started five minutes ago.
Narrator: This week, Bob has decided to prepare a traditional grumble.
Full postMore exclusive earth-shaking excerpts
It's the book you can't wait to read. It's the book we've got a sneak peek of
Andrew Hughes
10-Sep-2014
Thanks to an arrangement with the man who empties Kevin Pietersen's ghostwriter's bin we are able to bring you another installment of the book that has already been longlisted for next year's Booker Prize for Paranoid Fiction. Read the sensational story of one man's struggle to stay in the headlines as we give you part two of our exclusive serialisation:
24th April
Pumped for first game as captain of the Daredevils. Stand-in captain has done an okay job - a bloke called Danish or Dishy or Diana, or something like that. One win, two losses. He's done his best. But the players can only get you so far, it's the captain who makes the difference. So cheers, Diana, I'll take it from here!
Pumped for first game as captain of the Daredevils. Stand-in captain has done an okay job - a bloke called Danish or Dishy or Diana, or something like that. One win, two losses. He's done his best. But the players can only get you so far, it's the captain who makes the difference. So cheers, Diana, I'll take it from here!
Checked my phone. Crazy level of support from England fans, another 217 Tweets saying I should still be in the team! The KP bandwagon is rolling!
Full postA shocking book about English cricket
How did they lose the last Ashes? It's all explained in this corker
Andrew Hughes
06-Sep-2014
It's the publishing event of the century! Next month sees the launch of the book that will blow the lid off English cricket's can of worms like a worm-seeking laser-guided can-opening missile. Don't Cry For Me Piers Morgan is the heart-rending story of one young man's struggle for justice, freedom, and an extension to his central contract, and you can read the first exclusive extract from this blockbuster only at the Long Handle:
24th November
Warmed up for the rest of the series with a punchy 18 and a dangerous 26. Frustrated with my dismissals. The Aussies had a fielder at midwicket and another at long-on. So why couldn't our so-called team of so-called analysts give me a heads-up about the danger of playing loose shots into the on side? So much for Flower's meticulous preparation! But hey, I don't pick the coach (for the time being).
Warmed up for the rest of the series with a punchy 18 and a dangerous 26. Frustrated with my dismissals. The Aussies had a fielder at midwicket and another at long-on. So why couldn't our so-called team of so-called analysts give me a heads-up about the danger of playing loose shots into the on side? So much for Flower's meticulous preparation! But hey, I don't pick the coach (for the time being).
Message from Piers: "Chin up buddy. You've got them on the run. England 4-1."
Full postTuk-Tuk and Boom-Boom, Lahore PD
Two ace detectives go in to handle a hostage situation
Andrew Hughes
03-Sep-2014
Episode One
A red sports car speeds into shot, swerves, and demolishes a row of dustbins. Detective Afridi leaps out of the car. He waits. Thirty seconds later a grey, medium-sized family saloon trundles into view, pulls alongside, reverses, inches forward, reverses again and finally parks the regulation distance away. Detective Misbah climbs out, locks the door, checks that he has locked it, double-checks that he has definitely locked it, and joins his colleague.
Afridi: What took you?
Full postIs it harsh to hurl feline-related insults at England?
Or is Alastair Cook being a bit catty?
Andrew Hughes
30-Aug-2014
Not so long ago, England's disaster stew was simmering away nicely and we were preparing to tuck into a hearty feast of failure and recrimination. Then they won the Test series and we all felt a bit empty.
So thank goodness Graeme Swann has given us something to chew on. On Monday he flung a deadly animal analogy at his former captain, claiming that England have "a cat in hell's chance" of winning the World Cup.
He speaks with authority. As the holder of an Intermediate Diploma in Cat Rescue, Graeme is well acquainted with the inability of cats to escape from tricky situations.
Full postWas Michael Vaughan right?
We'll find out next year. Sadly, all signs point to yes
Andrew Hughes
27-Aug-2014
On Monday, tea salesman and part-time troll Michael Vaughan said that England's one-day cricket is old-fashioned. They are, according to Michael, ten years out of date. Ask England's one-day batsmen who Miley Cyrus is, and they'll give you a blank look.
He did preface his opinions with a disclaimer, admitting he had been wrong about Alastair Cook, so could be wrong about this too. This is a good idea. Every pundit lured into a studio should have their wild speculation or ludicrous guesswork preceded by a statement explaining exactly how often they had been utterly wrong in the past:
"We now turn to former England captain Michael Vaughan for his take on these events, but before we do that, we should warn listeners that since he began speaking his brains into a microphone for a living, Michael has been completely wrong on 27 occasions and partly wrong on a further 35. The full details are available on our website, just click on 'Michael Vaughan', 'Totally Wrong' and scroll down the A-Z List."
India's new tall, shouty envisioneer
Who will be completing Duncan Fletcher's sentences and performing complicated surgeries on the players
Andrew Hughes
23-Aug-2014
There comes a moment in the story of any failing organisation, when someone high up decides that what they really need is a tall, shouty, expensively suited consultant from outside industry. For Indian cricket, that moment is now.
Usually, out of deference to the person who is still nominally in charge, the shouty consultant is given a limited role. So what is Ravi Shastri's remit?
"My role is to oversee everything."
Full postTime for a refund?
Two middleweight boxers faced off. After two rounds, one chose to stop fighting
Andrew Hughes
20-Aug-2014
Tuesday should have been the last day in the last Test of a thrilling summer series. Instead, as I write, The Oval's plastic seats are unencumbered by bottoms, the scent of lager has almost faded, and tumbleweeds are blowing across the pitch, scattering the crowd of angry pigeons still hoping to get their money back.
For the second time this decade, India have been thrashed in England. Three years ago, it was like watching a tribe of barbarians running amok in a museum, toppling famous statues and smashing reputations. It was shocking and compelling.
But this time around, it was just depressing. Imagine you've paid to watch a bout between two middleweight boxers. You've enjoyed two rounds of bruising, enthralling pugilism, but then one of them decides to curl up in a ball, hedgehog style, in the middle of the ring and stays like that for the rest of the fight. You woud demand a refund.
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