The Long Handle
The Outlaw Jesse Ryder
In which Wild Abe de Villiers and his vile gang get their just desserts. Or maybe not
Andrew Hughes
25-Oct-2014
Starring
Russell Crowe as Jesse Ryder
Kermit the Frog as Sheriff Hesson
Hugh Jackman as Deputy McCullum
Lee Harvey Oswald as Dangerous Dale Steyn
Matt Damon as Wild Abraham de Villiers
Harry Potter as "Mild" Dan Vettori
Russell Crowe as Jesse Ryder
Kermit the Frog as Sheriff Hesson
Hugh Jackman as Deputy McCullum
Lee Harvey Oswald as Dangerous Dale Steyn
Matt Damon as Wild Abraham de Villiers
Harry Potter as "Mild" Dan Vettori
Scene: A dingy saloon bar in the dangerous frontier town of Auckland. Old Coney is playing a tune on the piano while dodging the flying beer bottles from his appreciative audience
First Cowboy: Give me a shot of rotgut, bartender.
Full postAn infiltrator in the West Indies proletariat
The on-strike players find the enemy is within
Andrew Hughes
22-Oct-2014
In a dingy, smoke-filled room somewhere in Trinidad, the inaugural conference of the Amalgamated Union of Batsmen and Bowlers is about to get underway.
Dwayne: Comrades, thank you all for coming, particularly Christopher, who has taken time off from tweeting to show his solidarity. Comrades, we must stand united, in order to overthrow the capitalist WICB and its lackeys at the WIPA, who, by not giving us quite as much money as we would like, have shown their true face, the face of tyranny…
Jerome: Point of order, comrade.
Full postThe adventures of Captain Cool and Angry Boy
In which they take on a dangerous mission to rescue the BCCI from penury
Andrew Hughes
18-Oct-2014
A few days ago, in an underground base at a secret location (a pleasant suburb of Chennai) India's caped crusaders prepared for another day of fighting injustice and battling evil!
Captain Cool: Erm, what is this?
Angry Boy: It's your breakfast drink
Full postThe Kevin Pietersen I've never met
A random selection of the world's most prominent personages give us their ten cents worth
Andrew Hughes
15-Oct-2014
Kevin Pietersen's revelation that he didn't always get on with his former team-mates has gripped the entire planet. So whose side are you on? We invited a random selection of the world's most prominent personages to give us their ten cents worth.
Vladimir Putin
This handsome, occasionally bare-chested man is misunderstood. He is clearly responding to the naked aggression of his neighbours. For years, the other players had been encroaching on his half of the dressing room, mocking him by their proximity. A man can only take so much of Stuart Broad's smelly kit bag before he has to defend himself. In annexing Graeme Swann's reputation and assassinating Matt Prior's character he is showing admirable restraint in the face of severe provocation. History will prove him right.
This handsome, occasionally bare-chested man is misunderstood. He is clearly responding to the naked aggression of his neighbours. For years, the other players had been encroaching on his half of the dressing room, mocking him by their proximity. A man can only take so much of Stuart Broad's smelly kit bag before he has to defend himself. In annexing Graeme Swann's reputation and assassinating Matt Prior's character he is showing admirable restraint in the face of severe provocation. History will prove him right.
The Dalai Lama
Life is suffering. This is the first noble truth. From where does this suffering arise? From being picked to play for England. What is the nature of this suffering? A Twitter parody account. How can this suffering be prevented? By publishing a book dishing the dirt on your enemies whilst going easy on anyone who might still be in a position to facilitate your return to the England team. This is the path of Pietersen.
Full postLife is suffering. This is the first noble truth. From where does this suffering arise? From being picked to play for England. What is the nature of this suffering? A Twitter parody account. How can this suffering be prevented? By publishing a book dishing the dirt on your enemies whilst going easy on anyone who might still be in a position to facilitate your return to the England team. This is the path of Pietersen.
A search-and-cajole mission
In which detectives Tuk Tuk and Boom Boom go to find a miffed colleague
Andrew Hughes
11-Oct-2014
Detectives Afridi and Misbah have been sent on a dangerous mission in their country's hour of need and are wandering through an unknown jungle location.
Afridi: I'm hungry, bro.
Misbah: We don't get to eat our first set of rations until 08:15 precisely
Full postEarth-shaking extracts
Exclusive snippets from the book you're all dying to read
Andrew Hughes
08-Oct-2014
It's the publishing sensation of the decade. In an exclusive to the Long Handle, we present extracts from Falling Down The Rabbit Hole: My Wonderland Hell by Alice Pietersen.
On Wonderland
I was young, I was naïve, I didn't always tread wisely - which is why I fell down the rabbit hole. But they weren't ready for someone like me. I was, big, boisterous and annoying, which is why they made me drink from that bottle. They just wanted to bring me down to their level. Then they gave me a cake that said "Eat Me" on it. So shoot me, I ate the cake. I grew back to full size again and they said I was big-headed. I couldn't win.
I was young, I was naïve, I didn't always tread wisely - which is why I fell down the rabbit hole. But they weren't ready for someone like me. I was, big, boisterous and annoying, which is why they made me drink from that bottle. They just wanted to bring me down to their level. Then they gave me a cake that said "Eat Me" on it. So shoot me, I ate the cake. I grew back to full size again and they said I was big-headed. I couldn't win.
On the White Rabbit
Rabbit is a nice bloke, don't get me wrong, but he's utterly hopeless. He's a company rabbit, always has been. He's a safe pair of paws, won't rock the warren.
Full postRabbit is a nice bloke, don't get me wrong, but he's utterly hopeless. He's a company rabbit, always has been. He's a safe pair of paws, won't rock the warren.
Escape from St Thrower's
In part two of our hospital drama, two chuckers try to trick the doctor
Andrew Hughes
01-Oct-2014
Episode Two
Scene: The crowded reception at St Thrower's Hospital, where a number of recent arrivals have thrown the Elbow Reorientation Clinic into chaos.
Dr Kink: Nurse Vaughan, what on earth is going on?
Full postA history lesson with David Lloyd
Why cricket is all about manning up, children
Andrew Hughes
27-Sep-2014
Following David Lloyd's widely praised intervention in the Anderson-Jadeja controversy this summer, the BBC has commissioned the professional beer-drinker, anecdote-peddler and microphone-botherer to film a new series. Here is the pilot.
Manning Up: A History of the World with David Lloyd
Our hero is standing in front of Michelangelo's David, in Florence
Full postA fable of West Indian cricket
In which WIPA and WICB kiss and make up and live to fight another day
Andrew Hughes
24-Sep-2014
A press conference in Bridgetown, Wonderland. At a table sit two rotund gentlemen, one wearing a badge with the letters WICB on it, the other wearing a badge with the letters WIPA on it. They have their arms around each other and are beaming broadly.
Tweedledum: I shall stand up to speak.
Tweedledee: I shall listen with great attention to what you have to say.
Tweedledum: Or perhaps you would like to have the honour of speaking first?
Tweedledee: Contrariwise, it would be an honour to let you have the honour.
Tweedledum: We shall speak together.
Tweedledee: An excellent notion. I am glad that you thought of it.
Tweedledum: I am glad that you are glad that I thought of it.
Tweedledee: I shall listen with great attention to what you have to say.
Tweedledum: Or perhaps you would like to have the honour of speaking first?
Tweedledee: Contrariwise, it would be an honour to let you have the honour.
Tweedledum: We shall speak together.
Tweedledee: An excellent notion. I am glad that you thought of it.
Tweedledum: I am glad that you are glad that I thought of it.
They rise to speak.
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