The Long Handle
The World Cup all-star commentary line-up
Starring a giant fast bowler and a divisive South African Englishman
Andrew Hughes
07-Feb-2015
Many qualities distinguish cricket lovers from the rest of humanity. There's our ability to appreciate a game that can last a week and never at any stage look as though it is going to produce a result. There's our propensity to retain endless pieces of useless statistical information such as Chris Old's batting average, the score at lunch of the first day of the Headingley Test in 1981, and Ian Bishop's inside leg measurement.
Above all, there's our fascination with compiling fantasy teams. You know the kind of thing: all-time left-handed Sri Lankan XI; combined Anglo-Australian Ashes sides whose surnames began with Z; 1970s hairy New Zealanders. We all do it.
The problem with these fantasy selections is that they only ever include cricket players. When we were young, these were the kind of clean-living, enthusiastic, ten-times-round-the-playing-field-before-breakfast characters who were always picked first in PE and were forever collecting trophies from the headmaster. We hated them when we were at school with them, so why celebrate them now?
Full postEnough with the ghosts, New Zealand
How low will a country sink to get an advantage at the World Cup?
Andrew Hughes
03-Feb-2015
Why does the World Cup have two hosts? Surely Australia could manage it alone. It's big enough. In fact, it's unnecessarily big. If you utilised the vast empty bit in the middle, you could host five World Cups simultaneously. It might be a bit hostile to play cricket in an arid wasteland under the merciless sun but then that didn't stop Qatar getting a World Cup.
The reason is that the ICC, like any long-suffering parent of siblings, just wanted a quiet life: "If you are doing something exciting, Australia, you know that New Zealand will want to do it too, and I really can't cope with the tantrums."
An alternative solution was to let New Zealand host it themselves, but there could be a problem cramming all those international teams into one tiny country (although that didn't stop Qatar getting a World Cup.)
Full postThe best way to promote cricket
Cricketers, please get on social media and voice your ignorant opinions. That will get you noticed by millions
Andrew Hughes
31-Jan-2015
What has Stuart Broad been up to recently? Well, in between not taking any wickets and shaving his head, Stuart has found time to get himself into Twitter trouble. His 140 characters on relative global prosperity is the latest in a proud tradition of celebrities causing controversy with their public remarks, which began with a famous tweet in 1789 from the @RealMarie_Antoinette Twitter account:
'I heard you can buy twenty custard éclairs for two francs from Le Froufou's patisserie #stayhumble #peasants'.
Stuart's remarks certainly read badly, providing you carefully remove them from context, turn them upside down and squint, a bit like you would with a "Where's Wally?" puzzle, the difference being that with a "Where's Wally?" puzzle, the discovery of the eponymous hero usually induces a smile and a glow of satisfaction, but when you play "Where's The Offence ?" the end result is scowling, intestinal discomfort and the urge to abuse people you've never heard of on social media.
Full postAll about KP's new tattoo
And why teams ought not to be allowed to spend on players as they like
Andrew Hughes
27-Jan-2015
Regular readers may be wondering why, a full ten days on from the news that shook the cricket world, I have made no mention of it. I mean, it isn't every day that Kevin Pietersen gets a tattoo. Have I not been reading the papers?
Well, firstly, I'm not a serious cricket writer and when something as big as a new Pietersen tattoo happens, I think it's appropriate to leave it to the proper journalists to cover.
But the truth is, I have also been trying to kick a dangerous habit. They say that acceptance is the first stage of dealing with an addiction, so here goes: I have a KP problem. If I don't write about KP for a few days, I begin to get the shakes. I take on a distracted, haunted appearance, and I find myself actually watching cricket.
Full postThe ICC's World Cup behavioural regulations revealed
You could get to throw rotten fruit at abusive players
Andrew Hughes
24-Jan-2015
The World Cup is cricket's big day out, or more accurately, cricket's big six and a half weeks out, and so naturally the chaps at the ICC want everything to go smoothly, but like nervous wedding planners, they are having trouble sleeping.
What is it that causes them to wake up screaming in their penthouse suites?
It isn't match-fixing, or ball-tampering or illegal bowling actions, or the fact that two weeks into every World Cup most viewers feel like they are stranded in purgatory facing a trudge through a barren fixture list devoid of surprise, tension or even passing interest, a schedule that could have been designed by Dante to furnish one of his outer circles of hell.
Full postThe tale of Davey Warner and the mythical line
We all know there is a line that must not be crossed, but where is it, who drew it, and did they use a ruler?
Andrew Hughes
21-Jan-2015
As a result of his latest faux pas in Sunday's one-day international, David Warner has been fined by the ICC. "So what?" you might be thinking. Seeing the words "fine", "match referee" and "David Warner" in the same sentence is no more remarkable than observing that the sun has risen this morning at roughly the same time that it did yesterday.
But on this occasion I think the wee fella has been the victim of an injustice. I happen to know that Dave is three weeks into the Shout Hindi With Ravi Shastri course and at the moment has only a tenuous hold on the basics of Hindi-shouting grammar.
Sharing a field with several Hindi speakers therefore offered an ideal opportunity to try on a few irregular verb-noun constructions for size. But while wrestling with the subjunctive case, he found himself struggling to follow what was being said and so asked for a translation. This perfectly innocent request has been sadly misconstrued by the ICC.
Full postAn efficient WICB is simply boring
What would we do without their incompetence livening up our existence?
Andrew Hughes
17-Jan-2015
West Indies cricket has been entertaining us for decades, and since the region stopped producing awe-inspiring cricket teams, the players and officials have kept the show on the road with their hilarious administrative pratfalls and wacky squabbling.
So the announcement that the WICB will be taking the advice of their own task force and making big changes, is, at first glance, worrying. As a fan of obscure cricket satire, I have a vested interest in incompetence, and since we can't always rely on the PCB to deliver these days, it's vital that we don't lose another natural resource of amusement.
Fortunately, on closer examination, it seems that this particular plan to save West Indies cricket is no more likely to succeed than the previous 186.
Full postWhy tradition is all-important in cricket
Why county cricket, verbal abuse and threats of physical violence are what our game is all about
Andrew Hughes
14-Jan-2015
When I was young I used to believe that every human being who wanders the surface of this spinning rock does so with an open and enquiring mind and that life is a wonderful journey of discovery in which your ideas evolve with experience.
Life is, of course, no such thing. Generally speaking, what happens is that as a youngster, you are donated certain ideas by your parents, your school friends, music magazines, internet celebrities or random people on television, and then you wear this eclectic collection of second-hand principles for the remainder of your life.
There are exceptions. If you were brought up in a remote rural community founded on the idea that the giant cheese monster that created the universe would return to bring on the fondue apocalypse in 1996, then the arrival of 1997 would have been something of a disappointment, requiring you to at least consider re-evaluating your life's guiding principle.
Full postThe tale of Steven and the spider
Arachnophobia is alive and well in our game, and it's all good
Andrew Hughes
10-Jan-2015
People who play sports are an honourable breed. Other areas of human endeavour may be rife with corruption, deceit and implausible expenses claims, but when a sports player gives you their word, you can depend on it.
When a golfer tells you she only took one shot to get out of the bunker and that the 12 explosions of sand you witnessed were produced by a burrowing meerkat, you know she's telling the truth, because she's a golfer. When a professional footballer pirouettes to the ground inside the penalty area, you know he is really hurt. And when a cricketer insists that the ball did not bounce, you may rest assured that it was so.
It naturally follows from this truth that sports people never ever attempt to excuse their mistakes by reference to outside forces. They may, on occasion, seek to apportion blame where it is properly due, but that is entirely different.
Full postThe definitive guide on how to retire
Cricketer past his sell-by who's mulling the big decision? You've come to the right place
Andrew Hughes
07-Jan-2015
An international cricketer has to do many difficult things: promoting supermarkets, remembering which end of the bat to hold, talking to cricket journalists without being rude to them. But the hardest thing for an international cricketer to do is to retire.
Unless you're Shahid Afridi, retiring from international cricket is something you only get do once, and there are no retirement nets in which to hone your retiring technique. So to help them get it right first time, here is the Long Handle guide to packing it all in:
Timing
Like batting, retirement technique is all in the timing. You don't want to be too early, for example. Retiring from Test cricket at the age of 22 because you got an offer to appear in Series 27 of Celebrity Underwater Cobbling is unlikely to evoke global tributes or glowing career retrospectives.
Full postLike batting, retirement technique is all in the timing. You don't want to be too early, for example. Retiring from Test cricket at the age of 22 because you got an offer to appear in Series 27 of Celebrity Underwater Cobbling is unlikely to evoke global tributes or glowing career retrospectives.
Most Read
Writers