The best way to promote cricket

What has Stuart Broad been up to recently? Well, in between not taking any wickets and shaving his head, Stuart has found time to get himself into Twitter trouble. His 140 characters on relative global prosperity is the latest in a proud tradition of celebrities causing controversy with their public remarks, which began with a famous tweet in 1789 from the @RealMarie_Antoinette Twitter account:

'I heard you can buy twenty custard éclairs for two francs from Le Froufou's patisserie #stayhumble #peasants'.

Stuart's remarks certainly read badly, providing you carefully remove them from context, turn them upside down and squint, a bit like you would with a "Where's Wally?" puzzle, the difference being that with a "Where's Wally?" puzzle, the discovery of the eponymous hero usually induces a smile and a glow of satisfaction, but when you play "Where's The Offence ?" the end result is scowling, intestinal discomfort and the urge to abuse people you've never heard of on social media.

Stuart Broad's face has since illustrated a thousand comment pieces across the English-speaking world, which is massively depressing, and another example of the toxic brew of overreaction, hysteria and lazy media hackery that threatens to engulf human civilisation in an avalanche of vitriolic drivel.

On the other hand, it's good news for cricket. Once upon a time, cricketers were isolated from the normal news cycle by their obscurity. Cricket did have its own news cycle; it was a news penny-farthing and it went like this:

Teams are picked for a Test match
Test match is played
Distinguished journalists describe Test match in high literary style
Weeks pass
Teams are picked for a Test match

But thanks to social media, the higher-profile cricketers have found that, just like politicians, actors, and comedians, they too can be sucked into the crushing abyss of the modern news cycle, which, like a black hole, distorts everything, and can utterly destroy anyone who goes near it. It works like this:

Person A says something that could be misconstrued
The internet reacts angrily
Newspapers report that the internet has reacted angrily
Columnist C explains how Person A has insulted the poor
Person A apologises
Columnist D asks whether Person A's apology is good enough
Columnist E explains how Person A is certainly a misogynist
Columnist F explains how Person A is undoubtedly a racist
Columnist G explains how Person A is a martyr for free speech
Cartoonist draws picture of Person A with a big nose
Some actor says something that could be misconstrued
Everybody forgets about Person A.

But thanks to the operation of this news cycle, many people who had never heard of Stuart Broad suddenly became very very angry with him, and, more importantly, discovered that he is a cricketer. On the grounds that there is no such thing as bad publicity, it's time for the ICC to exploit this opportunity to raise cricket's profile

So if you're an international cricketer with access to social media and a half-baked, poorly researched theory about a serious issue, don't hold back! Tell the world what you think, and make sure you phrase it in the worst possible manner. We can even give the campaign it's own hashtag: #justsayinWC15. And who can lead it? There's only one man with the skills; a man whose ability to cause mass offence on seven continents simultaneously without even trying is legendary. Over to you, Mr Vaughan.