The ICC's World Cup behavioural regulations revealed
You could get to throw rotten fruit at abusive players
Andrew Hughes
24-Jan-2015
David Warner: Soon to be seen wearing a dunce cap and writing "I will never tell Virat his stubble looks like a baby elephant's backside" • Getty Images
The World Cup is cricket's big day out, or more accurately, cricket's big six and a half weeks out, and so naturally the chaps at the ICC want everything to go smoothly, but like nervous wedding planners, they are having trouble sleeping.
What is it that causes them to wake up screaming in their penthouse suites?
It isn't match-fixing, or ball-tampering or illegal bowling actions, or the fact that two weeks into every World Cup most viewers feel like they are stranded in purgatory facing a trudge through a barren fixture list devoid of surprise, tension or even passing interest, a schedule that could have been designed by Dante to furnish one of his outer circles of hell.
None of that is a problem. What worries them is the thought that the carefully orchestrated extravaganza they have spent months planning will go the way of all disastrous weddings and end in an enormous punch-up.
A football-style brawl on the field of play has long been prophesised, and having spent the last few decades doing absolutely nothing about deteriorating player behaviour, the ICC is now panicking at the prospect of all the world's surliest tantrum-flingers and abuse-dispensers being on the same continent at the same time.
So in the finest traditions of sports administration, it is trying to sort it all out at the last minute with some poorly thought-out emergency measures. These updates to the ICC playing regulations aren't official yet, but having hacked into Dave Richardson's email account (password: BigDave123) I can exclusively reveal them to Long Handle readers:
On-field security
Every World Cup game will be attended by two highly trained security staff, kindly provided by Knuckles Ltd of South London. These shaven-headed gentlemen will be employed to stand around wearing jackets that are too tight and fierce expressions. In the event of anyone causing a bit of bother, they will be invited to "take it outside, sunshine" and propelled in the general direction of the dressing room.
Every World Cup game will be attended by two highly trained security staff, kindly provided by Knuckles Ltd of South London. These shaven-headed gentlemen will be employed to stand around wearing jackets that are too tight and fierce expressions. In the event of anyone causing a bit of bother, they will be invited to "take it outside, sunshine" and propelled in the general direction of the dressing room.
Language police
Bad language has been part of the game ever since the Duke of Richmond first invited the Duke of Cumberland to "kiss my ****** sir!" in a grudge match at the Royal Artillery Ground in 1736. But not any more. The ICC is releasing a 107-page guide listing the swear words, curses, sarcastic phrases and mildly opprobrious remarks which will from now on result in a $1 million fine and a stiff talking to from Richie Benaud.
Bad language has been part of the game ever since the Duke of Richmond first invited the Duke of Cumberland to "kiss my ****** sir!" in a grudge match at the Royal Artillery Ground in 1736. But not any more. The ICC is releasing a 107-page guide listing the swear words, curses, sarcastic phrases and mildly opprobrious remarks which will from now on result in a $1 million fine and a stiff talking to from Richie Benaud.
Gagging order
In the event that any player fails to get it into their tiny brain that verbally abusing an opponent is no longer acceptable, umpires will be permitted to fit gags to the offender's face, preventing them from polluting our ears with their witless badinage. The gags will be provided by Shastri Jaw Ache Solutions of Mumbai, and sponsorship opportunities are available. Act quickly and it could be your company's name emblazoned across David Warner's stopped gob.
In the event that any player fails to get it into their tiny brain that verbally abusing an opponent is no longer acceptable, umpires will be permitted to fit gags to the offender's face, preventing them from polluting our ears with their witless badinage. The gags will be provided by Shastri Jaw Ache Solutions of Mumbai, and sponsorship opportunities are available. Act quickly and it could be your company's name emblazoned across David Warner's stopped gob.
Public humiliation
It is a fact that poor behaviour by cricketers was unheard of in the Middle Ages, so the ICC has taken its inspiration from the penal code of 14th-century England. Should any player disgrace themselves in public during the World Cup, he and his coach will be fastened into ICC-approved stocks and the general public invited to pelt him with rotten fruit, putrid vegetables and unsold copies of Kevin Pietersen's book.
It is a fact that poor behaviour by cricketers was unheard of in the Middle Ages, so the ICC has taken its inspiration from the penal code of 14th-century England. Should any player disgrace themselves in public during the World Cup, he and his coach will be fastened into ICC-approved stocks and the general public invited to pelt him with rotten fruit, putrid vegetables and unsold copies of Kevin Pietersen's book.
Andrew Hughes is a writer currently based in England. @hughandrews73