The Surfer

Against the current crop of West Indian fast bowlers, however, England's batsmen are able to wander down for a mid-pitch conference, and discuss, with reasonable confidence, their evening dinner plans. It was never something Gooch and Gatting would have talked about, on the basis that there was more than a decent chance that their dining arrangements would have been confined to sipping soup through a straw from adjoining hospital beds.

The Australian Over 70s had an average age of 73 years 213 days, and the days mattered. The oldest was 83, the next oldest 79. The latter was Brendan Lyons, son of former prime minister Joe Lyons. All, mindful of ring-ins, had birth certificates with them.

Added to that, left-handers seem to have a divine right to play and miss without ever getting a touch, and to get one out lbw is like passing through US immigration. Your attempt must meet stringent entry requirements.

Nobody with a genuine love for cricket will take any satisfaction from the current plight of the West Indian cricket team. There were aspects of the cricket they played in the mid-Eighties, when an attack containing four frighteningly fast bowlers was at its most brutal and unforgiving, that were unappealing, but cricket needs a strong and competitive West Indian side because no other team on the planet has the ability to thrill and entertain like they do.

In fact, from September this year, the Australian team will have only three weeks' break until March 2009. Soon afterwards, it will begin another 12 months of continuous cricket. It will be the clockwork team, playing in perpetuity.

Kolpaks are signed because they are relatively cheap and counties know they will be able to do a job. They are plucked off the shelf without the need for years of investment. “So what if they come with a “made in South Africa or Australia” tag, they’re eligible to play and there’s nothing anyone can do about it,” seems to be the attitude, although county spokesmen will dress it up differently.

The central issue is that cricket in Zimbabwe needs nurturing in the hope that when the ageing Mugabe is gone, the country and its cricket will begin to recover. International cricket is too small a pool to simply cut teams adrift.

It is transparent that neither Sutherland nor Speed could figure out that Australia was not touring Zimbabwe because the nation will not validate and give succour to a murderer. This is undeniable. Because if they had the slightest idea that's why Howard stepped in then Sutherland and Speed would not have suggested playing Zimbabwe on neutral territory. That is truly an ignorant and irresponsible proposal.