-------------------Today--------------------
To - Kumar Sangakkara
Subject - Good food
Dear Kumar,
We just came across your interview with Discovery Travel and Living where you told their reporter that you'd never had better food at training than at the IPL. Just wanted to send a quick note to say that we were not amused. Do you take us for a joke? Don't answer that.
We can spot an underhanded comment when we see one. So are you above the bananas and Dilmah tea we provide at the SSC nets now? Consider this a mild warning, and we would appreciate it if you kept the choices of your taste buds to yourself in future
Regards,
SLC
-------------------Last week--------------------
To- Kumar Sangakkara
Subject - Re: Sangakkara upgraded to Category 1
Kumar, Please disregard previous email. Sent to you by accident. Please delete.
Regards,
Media Manager
------------Original message-------------
To-Kumar Sangakkara
Subject - Sangakkara upgraded to Category 1
Guys,
Here is a draft list of the latest Media Firestorm Categories for the players. As discussed added Sangakkara to all categories
Category 1
Kumar Sangakkara
Category 2
Kumar Sangakkara
Mahela Jayawardene - threaten to pull all tests from SSC if he gives interviews?
Category 3
Kumar Sangakkara
Lasith Malinga - Downgrade to Cat 5? No one takes him seriously with that hair anyway?
Regards,
Media Manager
-------------------Last month--------------------
To - Kumar Sangakkara
Subject - Cute kitten playing with baby lion cub - SO CUTE!
Kumar,
Sorry for the misleading subject but we have "read receipts" turned on and we never get yours so we had to be sure you got this.
We would like to draw your attention to a report filed by our PI. It indicates that you have been spending suspiciously large amounts of time in your hotel room during the IPL. Given your track record, this naturally rang some alarm bells for us. Are you writing another speech? Need I remind you about your obligations to keep your opinions to yourself.
SLC Media Management
-------------------Two months ago--------------------
To - Kumar Sangakkara
Subject - Save the SLC Campaign
Hi Sanga,
Did you send this to ten people yet? The five minutes are almost up. Did you send the bank details to them yet? Please don't be difficult about that again. I know we made a mistake last time and accidentally took money out instead of depositing. But this is legit. I can already see that they took out $500 servicing fee from my account. Could have sworn their website said $29.99. But I'm sure we can sort it out.
SEND THE EMAILS OUT NOW.
Regards,
SLC Finance Head
------------Original message-------------
To - Kumar Sangakkara
Subject - Save the SLC Campaign
Dear All,
The SLC are proud to announce our new business venture with Emails4Money, another significant step in the right direction to help our finances. Emails4Money is a reputable company which has been in business for over six months and have a proven track record in Eastern Europe and operates out of Magadan, Russia.
The newly implemented system will require you to forward this email to ten or more unique people in the next five minutes. The system works such that every time you pass this on, a dollar will be donated to the Save SLC Fund. For the transfer of money you will need to send Emails4Money your bank details. You can email them at emails4money@e4m.ru
Please do the needful within the next five minutes.
Regards,
SLC Finance Head
-------------------A year ago--------------------
To - Head of SLC
CC - Kumar Sangakkara
Sir, Stop clicking Reply All. It's not on your computer. It's on the internet. We can't do anything
SLC IT Dept
------------Original message-------------
To - SLC IT Dept
CC - Kumar Sangakkara
Subject - Re: URGENT: Amazing Sanga speech
How soon can we delete this off the all the SLC computers?
Head of SLC
------------Original message-------------
To - All SLC Staff
CC- Kumar Sangakkara
Subject - Re: Amazing Sanga speech
All, Please disregard and delete last email.
Head of SLC
------------Original message-------------
To - All SLC Staff
CC - Kumar Sangakkara
Subject - Amazing Sanga speech
Dear All,
What an amazing speech by Kumar at the MCC party! Simply superb. I felt so proud to be a Sri Lankan. There were some parts that had me in tears. The way you built up the drama in the Pakistan bus scene. How you highlighted the early colonial problems we had. I urge everyone to listen to this wonderful man speak so eloquently. I hope you give these kinds of speeches regularly. Sanga you are truly a great person. I'm waiting for part 2 of the speech to buffer on my laptop and cannot wait to hear the parts about the cricket board. There is a seat waiting for you in the boardroom when you retire, Sanga!
Keep up the great work.
May the triple gem bless you.
Regards,
Head of SLC

Damith Samarakoon is a Sri Lankan cricket fanatic living in Sydney. He blogs regularly at www.theflyslip.net

All quotes and "facts" in this article are made up, but you knew that already, didn't you?