'Where I come from, if someone kicks you once you kick 'em twice'
The former batsman, umpire, coach and now commentator answers readers' questions on bowlers who frightened him, being diplomatic, England's dry run in the 80s and 90s, and more

Lloyd's greatest achievement in cricket: being England's coach during their win over South Africa in 1998 • Getty Images
No. I thoroughly enjoyed it. It was a good time in my life. But I probably knew I would go into coaching because I'd done lots of coaching badges. But when I was an umpire my ambition was to be an international umpire - and if I'd got that far, I would maybe still have been doing that, I don't know.
John Sullivan, who was at Lancashire in the 60s. He gave me the nickname because I looked like one of the characters on Michael Bentine's show, the Bumblies that was very much like The Simpsons.
It would be when I was captain of Lancashire, mid-70s. I'd have a good guess at it being Liverpool Cricket Club. I think I just had to introduce the team and told a couple of anecdotes about each one. Someone in the audience said they'd like to book me to speak at a function and I said, "No, I don't do any of that." But it moved on from there...
[Emphatically] No! I came back [into the one-day side] in 1980 and I should never have been picked. Botham was captain and you know how bad a captain he was - he chose me to play in that game. He must have been mad. I couldn't see, for a start. I mean, I could see all right for county cricket but he brought me back against West Indies. And there was no chance of seeing them.
"Botham was captain and you know how bad a captain he was - he chose me to play in that game. He must have been mad. I couldn't see, for a start"
One I played with who was ferocious was Colin Croft - and against, Sylvester Clarke [of Surrey]. He was frightening. Both nasty on the field. They didn't like cricket, I think, basically. They thought the faster we can get this bloke out or kill him, the quicker I can get off.
Well, I hope all fast bowlers go out to hurt people. That's part of the make-up: "I'm gonna hurt you, you're not going to bat". Having a ruthless streak is part of it. We had Malcolm Marshall come to Lancashire as a specialist bowling coach once and he said to the fast bowlers: "The first thing you do is break the spin bowlers' hands."
There's only one winner there! Bloody hell! (Actually, Kent won six titles in five years and Lancashire won six in seven. But still.) They were good, Kent were a good side. But we kept having to go down to London to play in finals. It were bloody costly to keep going down there to play! You had to pay for your wife… you got a bob or two but you'd spend more than that. I don't think we got a share of the prize money…
[Emphatically] No. In Austin's case we canvassed every opening batsman in county cricket and asked them who were the two most difficult bowlers to play against and they said Chris Lewis and Ian Austin.
Central contracts are the be-all and end-all. That's what made England a competent team. Andy Flower is a wonderful bloke, he has a wonderful team. His management set-up is perfect and he has a world-class team, a cracking team. We suggested central contracts when I was coach, then Duncan Fletcher took them on and now Andy is getting the full benefit of it.
Paul King, who is executive producer of Sky cricket, gave me the Fall CD. And he said, "You'll either get this or you won't", and I got it immediately. But I'm still into the Rolling Stones. You're either the Stones or the Beatles… and I'm the Stones. I mean, I like Sinatra, I think he's terrific, but I'm a bit more punk rock.
Beating South Africa, when I was England coach in 1998. They were a hell of a side: Cronje, Klusener, Pollock and Donald opening the bowling. They were a good set of lads and a bloody good side. They had a team and a half.
Well, we were playing fewer major series for one thing: we were just embarking on split tours - an odd game here and two Tests there - I remember in '96 we were just getting our teeth into what would now be a fantastic series against India, but it was over after three matches. We won that 1-0, then Waqar and Wasim's Pakistan came with a great side and beat us 2-0 and we beat them 2-1 in the one-dayers. The ultimate in that came straight after that South Africa series: we'd given everything to beat them 2-1 and then they stuck a single Test against Sri Lanka at The Oval onto the end. You might as well have played on Galle beach. We just gave Murali a pitch that he wanted. I was up in arms about that. He took 16 wickets and it was just like an exhibition: "Look at these lovely chaps." They turned us over good and proper.
I wouldn't do it. I wouldn't tow any diplomatic line. If that's what they wanted when they employed me, then they had the wrong bloke. I come from an area where if someone kicks you once you kick 'em twice. So it wasn't difficult for me! I wouldn't change it. I wouldn't be anything different. I assumed they knew what they were getting.
The result was terrible, but as a tour it was enjoyable... I'd never been out of England before. I come from a rough area. We didn't go abroad. I didn't come from Weybridge or Maidenhead, I came from Accrington! And there were plenty more on the trip who'd never been out of England. I know Ken Shuttleworth, who went in 1971, had never been out of England...
No, no, they pay for what they get and I ain't changing. I like a bit of fun, I enjoy myself - but I can be serious and fight my corner. There's no casting. But there are plenty of times where they despair and they've got their heads in their hands!
The man who I think is fantastic - in fact, he's on my ringtone - is Bill Lawry. "Got him!" I think he's fabulous. Just the enthusiasm… he's well into his 70s and his patriotism, his love of the game and his enthusiasm is fantastic. He was a dour player, a very dour player. But as a commentator he brings it all alive. But my all-time broadcasting hero is Fred Trueman. He was the first northern voice on commentary, as far as I can remember. The first one who didn't speak like Mr Cholmondeley-Warner.
Yeah, it's a great comparison. John Player cricket came in because the rest of it was completely on its arse. Playing a Sunday League you had the Sunday Observance lobby to get past as well: there were certain players who wouldn't play on Sunday. I had to reconcile it with my dad. We were a real big church family. We'd go two or three times to church on a Sunday, but my dad said, "Play - it's what you do."
Duncan Edwards. I was 11 when he died in the Munich air disaster. But he was the complete footballer.
Don Shepherd of Glamorgan. Spin bowler. Just check his record: 2000-plus wickets! [2200 wickets at 21 each, between 1950 and 1972]. I played against him. He was playing into the 1970s and he's still totally involved in the game now, at 80-odd. He overlapped Jim Laker a little bit, and Fred Titmus and Ray Illingworth, so he never got a chance with England. But he was a wonderful bowler. The lad who's missed out right now is Glen Chapple. It's just never quite happened for him: wrong place, wrong time… he's been in that many squads and missed out.
No. Definitely not. I'd be quite the other way. Engage with the fans. Graeme Swann and Jimmy Anderson are very clever with it. They tell you if they've had a bad day - but don't go into any details - but there's also little nice snippets. Swanny's a card, he'll have some fun. But they don't go into anything in-depth that they shouldn't do. It's vital. In any sport, players are so isolated from the public - particularly soccer - you just never see them about now.
"My all-time broadcasting hero is Fred Trueman. He was the first northern voice on commentary, as far as I can remember. The first one who didn't speak like Mr Cholmondeley-Warner"
Yeah. I think you've got to try and mirror international cricket. The 18 counties rule the roost because they are the ECB. But my mild criticism is that I'm not sure they put the England team on the pedestal. I think it should be.
Loads of times! Loads. But I haven't done after-dinner speaking for years. This tour isn't like after-dinner speaking. I don't have to sit next to some bloke I've never clapped eyes on before for four hours and drink water... I got out of that game a long time ago because standards were dropping. People were chatting on their mobile phones while you were up there doing your best and getting home at two in the morning. So I took a view: why am I doing this? I could be tucked up in bed!
David Lloyd's Start The Car tour takes in Buxton, Norwich, Derby, Malvern and Salford, between October 29 and November 17. This article first appeared in the November issue of the Spin magazine. Click here to subscribe