England to replace Delhi Daredevils in the IPL

In a surprise development, Indian Premier League chief Sundar Raman today revealed Delhi Daredevils were to be kicked out of the tournament and replaced by the England ODI side.

The struggling franchise, which has finished in the bottom two of the standings in each of the last three seasons, is thought to have angered BCCI chiefs with a constant refusal to be "vibrant" and "thrusting" enough for the modern era, while Imran Tahir's celebrations were also believed to be "insufficiently enthusiastic". The present England ODI team, having been revolutionised by bold and innovative captaincy - although admittedly from the captain of New Zealand rather than their own - are seen as ideal replacements and will now take the place of Daredevils in the 2016 event.

Although initially shocked at receiving Raman's invite, England director of cricket Andrew Strauss agreed that the move was a perfect fit for all parties: "With our batting now based on the principle of 'see ball, obliterate ball', but our seam attack still about as potent as Ashok Dinda bowling with a soggy doughnut, we feel we'll be right at home in the IPL. Some of our fielding in the third game against New Zealand on Sunday also resembled Amit Mishra trying to wrestle an eel coated in baby oil, so again we really feel we can make a mark.

"It's pretty exciting, to be honest. Delhi may have had a bad run the last few seasons but there's still a lot of things we can learn from them as we make our debut in the tournament. Their decision not to pick Kevin Pietersen this year was one thing I'll be particularly keen to replicate."

New ECB chairman Colin Graves echoed Strauss' enthusiasm and explained how England would get round the problem of having a weakened team for the May Tests because a lot of their players would now be performing in the IPL: "We'll just invite the West Indies every year," he said.

"People criticised me when I suggested they were mediocre, but to be frank, any side whose batting manages to make a Michael Clarke declaration look ridiculously conservative has got pretty serious problems." When reminded England actually lost the last Test they played against Denesh Ramdin's side, Graves walked off somewhere.

Back in India, the news has also brought a smile to the face of BCCI president Jagmohan Dalmiya as he continues his public relations quest to convince cricket fans around the world his board hasn't been staging an elaborate remake of The Sopranos in recent years.

When asked if it wasn't a little strange that the country that has been most consistently opposed to allowing its players to participate in the IPL should be the one invited to contribute an entire national team, Dalmiya explained it was all part of the board's new plan to be more inclusive.

"Look, we all know that in the past the BCCI was seen as being about as cuddly as a crocodile wearing a coat made of cactuses, but that's all behind us now and we're extending the hand of friendship to all. If we can invite Haroon Lorgat to the IPL final, we can invite England to play in the IPL. Heavens, we might even ask James Anderson to present the trophy - though I guess that might be pushing it."

Commentator Danny Morrison was similarly chirpy, claiming he was especially looking forward to working on matches involving England's exciting young pairing of Buttler and Billings, who he said he would be calling the "Double Bs".

England's inclusion has not been universally well received, however, with Delhi fans taking to the streets to burn effigies of Mark Wood and David Willey and chanting, "Save Manoj Tiwary!".

Daredevils captain JP Duminy also said he was crestfallen at the decision, but accepted it was for the best. "Obviously to be kicked out like this is a bit of a blow," he said. "But as a South African I'm well used to leaving tournaments in hugely disappointing circumstances. So I guess I'll get over it."